I will be seeing Dr. P today. Hopefully, she won’t spend the entire session lecturing me about my weight. I think we have been over that a zillion times. I will start the session by saying, “I have a list,” and hopefully this will start off the session without the lecture!
First of all, I will mention the vertigo I have been experiencing. This is how I will present it to her:
When I wake up, I feel just okay. I’ll tell you about that in a minute. I shower and walk Puzzle. Then, I feel fabulous. My mood is really high. I feel absolutely terrific. I have a smile on my face. I even feel good when I pick up the poops. [I have more to say about this that I’m going to not say here–not about poops but about something else.] Then, I come home and have the first morsel of food of the day. Within ten minutes, I get vertigo. Dr. K has confirmed that this is vertigo by the way I have described it to her. I even feel dizzy while seated.
At this point, my mood rapidly drops. Recently, the vertigo has started to become extremely distracting, and I have started to become mentally confused. Fifty percent of me suspects that the vertigo is a sign of the return of “It,” given that so much of “It” was physical. At this point, my day is ruined. I can’t do anything for at least 2-1/2 hours, often more, waiting for the vertigo to end, and even after that, I feel crappy for hours, usually into the afternoon. Every now and then, the vertigo has lasted all day.
Here’s what I want to say about the bingeing:
I have had maybe three bingeing episodes since I last saw you. These happen two or three nights in a row, then I stop. I’m not talking about two sandwiches. I’m talking massive binges. I do not throw up. I repeat, I do not throw up. The binges have to do with self-destructiveness and sudden dip in mood. As you know, I do not binge voluntarily. They cause really bad edema. I am extremely concerned about the health consequences of these bingeing episodes. My list of physical consequences, in addition to the edema, is something I want to get into with Dr. K, but it’s serious, and I’ve got to stop.
Here’s what I’m going to confess about that Trileptal:
I cut back on the Trileptal back in April. I halved it. This immediately stopped the swaying. I had to do this to enable me to run on the treadmill. As you know, I have been diagnosed with arthritis in my right knee and have been advised to stop running and walking for fitness. The treadmill is a thing of the past. I chose to bring the Trileptal back to its original dose as of nine days ago. The swaying returned. A couple of things about the swaying that might interest you include the fact that if I don’t sleep well, the swaying is worse, and if I take a nap that’s too long and I’m groggy, the swaying is extreme.
She will ask, “How’s your eating?”
I will say, “Good and bad.” Bad, actually. “Mixed.” Of course, my response means nothing.
I don’t know what she will say to that, except, “Your last weight wasn’t good.”
I will probably hang my head. Not so much in shame but in hiding the fact that I am hiding the fact that I am hiding something. Well, I am not hiding but leaving out the facts. I am not ready to tell her. I am not ready to tell any human all the details of my food problems. Maybe, I will write them down and let it all spill out in this Notebook.
The session will end there.
As we speak, I am experiencing the vertigo I experience almost daily. It’s pretty bad at the moment, and has been going on for about an hour and a half. I am sitting here typing at the computer. I am sitting here, discouraged. As usual, except for Puzzle’s walk, it’s not a good morning. I wish there were answers. Maybe Dr. P will have some.