I need to make this writing a priority this morning over a number of other activities because I need to get this off my chest. It does not take priority over certain things that are vastly more important. I have walked Puzzle. I need to make sure she can get groomed tomorrow. So I need to stop writing at some point and remember to call Pooch Palace to get her scheduled. Hygiene–hers and mine: essential…but today I haven’t showered yet and writing takes precedence. I’ll make time to brush my teeth again. My hair…yeah, I gotta do something with this mop before I go to therapy.
I need to say some things. I need to be straight with my T about certain things. About a week ago I realized that I don’t have much time left on this planet. I thought about things realistically and figured that my 54th birthday is in January and I’ll probably make it to that, but the chances of making it to 55 are next to nil. My body won’t hold out. I see the statistics and it’s amazing that I’m still alive. The statistics are different depending on the source, but by far the majority of patients who end up with anorexia nervosa don’t make a full recovery. A small portion do. Many do, and deal with it for the rest of their lives. A portion die. A portion suffer a great deal for the rest of their lives. A portion commit suicide by other means. And so on. The younger you get it, the worse your chances are. The longer you’ve had it, the worse your chances are. And so on. You can interpret the data a number of ways but it’s a fatal illness no matter how you look at it and no matter how you look at it, it’s clear that this illness is the most lethal mental illness.
Dear T: The truth is that I want you to just go along with this. Quit trying to stop me and quit trying to change me and quit your assumption that I am trying in any way to get better and change and grow. It is useless. I gave up on myself. Just let me die and keep me company. A week ago I decided to self-starve because I have no will to live. I am not trying to make myself die I am just trying to lose weight. If I die I don’t care.
Okay, I’m tired now and I’ll take a t0-minute nap and come back.
I’ve been permanently sleepy for a couple of days now. Back.
As you know, I get these breakthrough binges (you I’m sure are bored of hearing about this) and I have binged a few times but get right back to starving and continuing to lose weight. I don’t think I lost anything over the weekend and I haven’t been able to get anything like an accurate reading with a belly full of food.
I have had a couple of instances of drinking high amounts of zero-calorie liquid (water or zero-calorie sports drink, occasionally diet soda) very quickly and then peeing it all out. I can’t seem to stop myself when I do this. I’m not trying to hurt myself. It is automatic. Maybe I am just thirsty. I drink to the point of physical discomfort. I looked up on the Internet how much you have to drink to get a serious problem and I’m reasonably sure I’m not in the danger zone. When this happens, my pee is bubbly afterward.
I believe the last couple of times that I binged, my food wouldn’t go down my throat. It got caught there. I got some water and pushed it down with the water. I found that I was able to stuff food down faster than ever. At 53? weird. Maybe I’m just remembering wrong. I have some junk food in the apartment right now that I should probably get rid of.
For a while, when I binged, it “showed.” Oh, no, when I binge it shows anyway. Duh. Stomach and intestine overload. I have heard that your stomach or intestines can burst from this. A doctor once told me that this was the truth but I looked it up and there have been cases. Of course you don’t survive that at my age. When I say that it showed, I meant that my ankles and legs and entire body swelled up. As of sometime yesterday, this stopped happening. They’re fine. My torso is huge and full of food but the rest of me looks normal. I have to wait until I poop it all out.
Okay, back to life. But the body changes again. I am making all kinds of spelling errors and am falling asleep…again. Something’s horribly wrong that I have to sleep all the time. Another ten-minute nap and I’ll be back.
I woke up two minutes before the alarm.
I sleep…I don’t sleep…well, duh…I play with food and it messes real bad with sleep. Real bad. Serves me right.
I don’t know why I do all the stuff I do but I can’t make it stop. Losing weight…it is just ridiculous.
My DMH person seems to think everything’s hunky-dory with me. Whatever. It’s her job to make sure people shower and get to their appointments and fill their prescriptions. I don’t think they have people with anorexia in their program much. I dress with my shirt right-side out and she looks at me and figures I’m fine. ADL’s. That’s “Activities of Daily Living,” meaning, again, showering, taking meds, brushing teeth, getting to your job, cleaning the house, laundry, paying your bills, taking public transportation…I do everything but one: eat. A big one. I guess that one’s a given for most of her people. And sleep.
I don’t even sleep responsibly anymore. Night blends into day which blends into night. All a blur.
There are things going on that are very good right now and I thought I’d mention them. My relationship with Frank. My relationship with L. Puzzle. Puzzle’s walks. Puzzle’s walks have been a little crazy and driven because I think about death while I’m walking her. I enjoy myself anyway. I keep my appointments and that’s a good thing. Church is just a fabulous addition to my life. Absolutely a fantastic thing I’m doing. I’m going to print out what I wrote yesterday and bring it into today’s session.
Okay, here’s another thing I haven’t made public but I will. I ran it by my T Friday and she feels it’s a very positive step I’m doing to help myself. I’m taking a trip to London to attend a seminar my publisher is putting on for its writers. The trip will be in a month. I can’t believe I’m doing this. It will give me a sense of purpose and I don’t want a sense of purpose but it’s weird because at the same time I really want to meet my publisher and get to work with him, and I assume get to meet the other folks at the publishing house as well. I won’t be gone long. I made the plane reservations and hotel and am all signed up.
This was in fact very difficult to do. My bank decided that whatever transaction I did was suspicious activity, and shut down my credit card after I made each purchase. This started with the transaction with my publisher, because it was a UK transaction. My bank doesn’t take chances. I appreciate this.
I have been spending the month of October working on my outline for November’s National Novel Writing Month. National Novel Writing Month probably won’t happen for me because of this trip. I’ll be gone for four days but it’s going to zap much of my energy for November. It was a sacrifice I had to make. I will still create the outline. Why? I’m excited about the book. I think Nano is doing another Nano later in the year. Nano got so big that they do one in a month other than November now. So I’ll have another opportunity maybe. I haven’t talked much about this outline. I will.
I’ve run out of energy and there’s more I wanted to say. Later.