This is a good question to ask oneself now and then. I don’t know what you want but I can tell you what I want.
I want my credibility back. That is, I want to be trusted and believed just like everyone else is. I am tired of bring seen through other people’s “take her with a grain of salt” filters. Thankfully, most of those people are out of my life now.
I had to face the facts. Why even bother trying to communicate with someone who only sees me as “crazy”? It’s worse when they don’t admit it but make it obvious in other ways. I would encourage anyone in this position to ditch those who don’t believe your story.
I was thinking today about someone who no longer is my friend. I remember one day, must have been the beginning of September 2011, she chewed me out. I look back and wonder if she was drinking at the time. I sure didn’t need a lecture. I was tired of being accused of faking my need for water. I was tired of being told that MGH was right to deprive me of water. How could anyone judge, if they didn’t know what it was like to be me?
I am angry that it took 27 years before the diabetes insipidus was diagnosed. I look back and marvel at the fact that for nearly three decades, no one even thought to measure output volume. I repeated over and over that I really did need a lot of water. Instead of confirmation, I got a slap in the face and was told I was “faking it.” Or “self-harming with water” when I was only thirsty. Decades of that bullshit! I am angry about so many things. For failure to see the truth, and failure to listen.
Now, I am finding out that many others who took Lithium are still being lied to. I am not the only one. I heard that a lot of what happened to me is gross medical malpractice. Yeah, no kidding. They will lie and lie and lie to avoid admitting fault.
Isn’t that what we are told in Driver’s Ed? That if in an accident, do no admit fault. Know something? If I were at fault, I would admit it right away and APOLOGIZE. I think right now an apology would mean so much to me, much more than money. Although others are telling me they would like to see their abusers in prison. I wouldn’t. I would rather m make peace with my past. I am a believer in restorative justice. If I had my way, all those parties who wronged me would promise that they would never do the same thing to another person and will actively work to stop others from abusing in a similar manner.
I dream of this. That someday, instead of cyberbullying me, I got a real apology from some former provider who harmed me, or some staff member who treated me with disrespect.
“I’m sorry I assumed incorrectly about you. I should have asked, but I didn’t. From now on, I won’t stereotype people according to diagnosis and I will work to end psych diagnosis harm.”
“I’m sorry I believed your old medical records even though you provided what was a very accurate update. I’m sorry I believed the other doctor’s opinion over what you were saying. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I support the end of records-sharing unless the patient specifically requests it.”
“I’m sorry I interrupted you. I’m sorry I walked out on you. I’m sorry I treated you like a kindergarten kid. I realize that I was rude and disrespectful.”
“I am sorry I purposefully shoved you. I will stop working in health care since I cannot control my violent urges.”
“I’m sorry I obeyed orders even though I knew that what I was doing was wrong.”
“I’m sorry that I assumed you were psychotic when you mentioned abuse. I realize that as a mandatory reporter, I should have investigated your claim. I am sorry that I assumed you were ‘just angry.'”
“I am sorry that I didn’t recognize the signs of trauma. I am sorry that I denied that you were abused.”
“i am sorry I acted in an antisemitic way. I will stop practicing my profession and learn about racial and cultural profiling.”
“I am sorry I was manipulative. I will stop doing therapy and not practice again until I have worked out my own deep-set control issues.”
“i am sorry I believed the rumors. I won’t listen to gossip anymore. Instead, I will speak out against it.”
“i will turn in my license and apologize to those patients that I made sexual advances to. I will work to end sexual abuse in therapy.”
“I will return to my home state and serve the prison sentence I avoided. I will turn in the license I got in the other state. I will apologize to others.”
“I know I cannot bring back those who committed suicide because of my manipulative actions. I will confess to the courts that I provoked patients to suicide.”
“I am sorry I threatened and I realize that threats harm people.”
“I am sorry I wrongly accused. I realize that such accusations are demeaning and insulting.”
“I am sorry I deliberately turned my back. I will speak out against that type of behavior and work to end such bigotry.”
“I am sorry I didn’t listen and instead, jumped to conclusions. I realize I was wrong. I judged you based on some doctor’s wrong diagnosis.”
“I’m sorry I jeered at you. I’m sorry I gossiped. I am sorry I called you names behind your back. I am sorry I rolled my eyes, and I realize that such gestures harm others and give a clear message of disdain.”
“I will uphold the sovereignty and dignity and worthiness of all humans. I will stop referring to certain patients as Sub Human PIeces of Shit.”
“I am sorry I acted like a haughty know-it-all.”
“I realize that my actions killed a person’s soul and caused them so much harm that they no longer wanted to live.”
“I will immediately apologize directly. I will not apologize for my victiim’s feelings but will apologize for my wrong actions that caused these feelings.”
If you abused, apologize, for godsakes.
I think I make myself available enough. I am waiting for that apology. Just one would mean the world to me. It’s so sad that the ones who apologize are so often not the ones responsible. I feel sad that some people feel responsible for what happened to me when really I have no issues with them. Why is it that the real abusers are allowed to keep abusing? They love ruining their victims’ credibly by trashing reputation.
It’s also sad that there are people out there I would like to apologize to but they have cut me off. No chance now. I guess they don’t want an apology. They only want to stay hateful.