What do you really want?

This is a good question to ask oneself now and then. I don’t know what you want but I can tell you what I want.

I want my credibility back. That is, I want to be trusted and believed just like everyone else is. I am tired of bring seen through other people’s “take her with a grain of salt” filters. Thankfully, most of those people are out of my life now.

I had to face the facts. Why even bother trying to communicate with someone who only sees me as “crazy”? It’s worse when they don’t admit it but make it obvious in other ways.  I would encourage anyone in this position to ditch those who don’t believe your story.

I was thinking today about someone who no longer is my friend. I remember one day, must have been the beginning of September 2011, she chewed me out.  I look back and wonder if she was drinking at the time. I sure didn’t need a lecture. I was tired of being accused of faking my need for water. I was tired of being told that MGH was right to deprive me of water. How could anyone judge, if they didn’t know what it was like to be me?

I am angry that it took 27 years before the diabetes insipidus was diagnosed. I look back and marvel at the fact that for nearly three decades, no one even thought to measure output volume. I repeated over and over that I really did need a lot of water. Instead of confirmation,  I got a slap in the face and was told I was “faking it.” Or “self-harming with water” when I was only thirsty. Decades of that bullshit! I am angry about so many things. For failure to see the truth, and failure to listen.

Now, I am finding out that many others who took Lithium are still being lied to. I am not the only one. I heard that a lot of what happened to  me is gross medical malpractice. Yeah, no kidding. They will lie and lie and lie to avoid admitting fault.

Isn’t that what we are told in Driver’s Ed? That if in an accident, do no admit fault. Know something? If I were at fault, I would admit it right away and APOLOGIZE. I think right now an apology would mean so much to me, much more than money. Although others are telling  me they would like to see their abusers in prison. I wouldn’t. I would rather m make peace with my past. I am a believer in restorative justice. If I had my way, all those parties who wronged me would promise that they would never do the same thing to another person and will actively work to stop others from abusing in a similar manner.

I dream of this. That someday, instead of cyberbullying me, I got a real apology from some former provider who harmed me, or some staff member who treated me with disrespect.

“I’m sorry I assumed incorrectly about you. I should have asked, but I didn’t.  From now on, I won’t stereotype people according to diagnosis and I will work to end psych diagnosis harm.”

“I’m sorry I believed your old medical records even though  you provided what was a very accurate update. I’m sorry I believed the other doctor’s opinion over what you were saying. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I support the end of records-sharing unless the  patient specifically requests it.”

“I’m sorry I interrupted you. I’m sorry I walked out on you. I’m sorry I treated you like a kindergarten kid.  I realize that I was rude and disrespectful.”

“I am sorry I purposefully shoved you. I will stop working in health care since I cannot control my violent urges.”

“I’m sorry I obeyed orders even though I knew that what I was doing was wrong.”

“I’m sorry that I assumed you were psychotic when you mentioned abuse. I realize that as a mandatory reporter, I should have investigated your claim. I am sorry that I assumed you were ‘just angry.'”

“I am sorry  that I didn’t recognize the signs of trauma. I am sorry that I denied that you were abused.”

“i am sorry I acted in an antisemitic way. I will stop practicing my profession and learn about racial and cultural profiling.”

“I am sorry I was manipulative. I will stop doing therapy and not practice again until I have worked out my own deep-set control issues.”

“i am sorry I believed the rumors.  I won’t listen to gossip anymore. Instead, I will speak out against it.”

“i will turn in my license and apologize to those patients that I made sexual advances to. I will work to end sexual abuse in therapy.”

“I will return to my home state and serve the prison sentence I avoided. I will turn in the license I got in the other state. I will apologize to others.”

“I know I cannot bring back those who committed suicide because of my manipulative actions. I will confess to the courts that I provoked patients to suicide.”

“I am sorry I threatened and I realize that threats harm people.”

“I am sorry I wrongly accused. I realize that such accusations are demeaning and insulting.”

“I am sorry I deliberately turned my back. I will speak out against that type of behavior and work to end such bigotry.”

“I am sorry I didn’t listen and instead, jumped to conclusions. I realize I was wrong. I judged you based on some doctor’s wrong diagnosis.”

“I’m sorry I jeered at you. I’m sorry I gossiped. I am sorry I called you names behind your back.  I am sorry I rolled my eyes, and I realize that such gestures harm others and give a clear message of disdain.”

“I will uphold the sovereignty and dignity and worthiness of all humans. I will stop referring to certain patients as Sub Human PIeces of Shit.”

“I am sorry I acted like a haughty know-it-all.”

“I realize that my actions killed a person’s soul and caused them so much harm that they no longer wanted to live.”

“I will immediately apologize directly. I will not apologize for my victiim’s feelings but will apologize for my wrong actions that caused these feelings.”

If you abused, apologize, for godsakes.

I think I make myself available enough. I am waiting for that apology.  Just one would mean the world to me.  It’s so sad that the ones who apologize are so often not the ones responsible. I feel sad that some people feel responsible for what happened to me when really I have no issues with them. Why is it that the real abusers are allowed to keep abusing? They love ruining their victims’ credibly by trashing reputation.

It’s also sad that there are people out there I would like to apologize to but they have cut me off. No chance now. I guess they don’t want an apology. They only want to stay hateful.

Dang.

Who was the “poor historian”, eh? According to Mount Auburn Hospital…..

They gave me Mellaril in the hospital in 1983. I got tachycardia (rapid heartbeat) from it. I was told this was not an allergy but an “unpleasant reaction.” I was told to not take it again if offered, though.

I was given Zyprexa (Olanzapine) in 1997. It made me sleep 16 hours a day, and the other 8, I was a zombie. It also caused binge eating. I’ve since learned that I’m not the only one who has had this reaction. After a few days, my shrink said, “I am taking you off of this right away. You should never take Zyprexa again. Don’t worry, I will never put you back on it,” I was underweight at the time, and even though I needed to eat, I didn’t need destructive eating.

In my hospital records at Mount Auburn from 2013, they wrote that I was delusional because I said I had no medication allergies. Their records stated that since I said this, I was a “poor historian” since apparently I had “forgotten” that Mellaril gave me “palpitations.” Palpitations means your heart beats harder, isn’t the same as tachycardia, and also isn’t an allergy per se. I knew that an allergic reaction had something to do with histamine, such as a swollen tongue, rash, or respiratory problems.  I was absolutely right on. So I ask, who was the “poor historian”?

They also seemed to think that just because I had once taken Imipramine, then of course, two years later, I must certainly still be on it. Apparently they were at such a loss as to what my “meds” were, though I had carefully written for them the names and doses, that they resorted to calling CVS. I suppose my last shrink didn’t remember? Did she not have records?  Who is the irresponsible one?

The correct spelling of my name, my birth date and address were never verified so they gave me Julia’s drugs, not mine. They continued to call me a “liar.”  Who was the stupid one  here?

I got yelled at and called liar, and other names, over and over. They assumed I was an idiot since I didn’t seem to recognize this other person’s drugs, I said again and again that these weren’t mine.’t mine. I finally asked, “Did you verify the address?” They hadn’t, and didn’t apologize. Who was the one who “lacked insight”? They began to abuse worse.

Next thing you knew, they told me they wouldn’t let me out unless I took Zyprexa. I told them I had had a bad reaction in the past. I’m sure by then they were discrediting everything I said. They also tried to give me Abilify, which only two months previously had given me insomnia and mania after three days.

However, my prior shrink had told them I hadn’t seen her for “months.” This wasn’t true. I saw her every month until July 10, a month prior to admission at Mount Auburn, when I had fired her, telling her that I had already scheduled with new providers and told her who my PCP was. I saw her write this down. Who was the “poor historian”?

Oh, so I was supposed to forgive? Next thing you know, completely unbeknownst to me, they had someone (the police most likely) do an illegal search of my apartment. I never found out till I got home and found the place torn apart. On one of my tables were two bottles, which they assumed were the correct pills. One bottle was two years old, the other, three years old, and both were empty, and in a remote drawer with my art supplies.

One was 600 mgs of Lamictal. I was given the entire 600 all at once. I almost took it, trusting them entirely, since they had just roused me, but I spat it out, saying, “I don’t take this.” Again, called a “poor historian.” No, I spat out those pills to save my life. Then, they claimed I was “suicidal.” Who was the one who lacked common sense? I asked myself over and over how they were getting away with this.

Is anyone going to call me “stupid” for not taking the labels off those bottles at home? My ex-friend did.  One would assume these bottles would be safe way back in that drawer. Should I expect an illegal search on a regular basis? Had I tossed the bottles in the trash bin, for sure I would have removed the labels, since I’ve heard that adventurous teens can go get refills somehow. Believe me, they tore apart everything and left the place a mess. The same “friend” told me, “No one cares about patient rights. Why don’t you drop the subject.”

I’ve since found out otherwise. Thousands are joining the Movement, more and more each day.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, I was assumed to be delusional since I spoke of “rights.” Apparently I had none. Because I wasn’t seen as human any longer. I cannot count how many nurses rolled their eyes at me after that, and how many times the “sitters” also abused me.

This, folks was “treatment.” I got out.  I was condemned in my community for not being “grateful,” because I reporting Mount Auburn for abuse. Who are the bigoted ones?

I’d rather die than go back to Mount Auburn Hospital. I now live far, far away. Because what they did to me nearly destroyed me.

Malpractice 101, what every doctor needs to know, especially shrinks

This course is most likely taught in most major medical schools in the USA today. In case you missed classes, here’s a brief overview. I was fly on the wall and took notes during all the lectures, so I’m here to clue you in on the essentials of Malpractice 101!

1. First do no harm. But if you do, don’t panic!
2. By harm, we mean measurable, provable damage. This would be something that we’d fear might be noticed by relatives of the patient. We wouldn’t worry if this is only picked up by the patient herself. We only worry about malpractice when the harm is so great that it might be noticed by others, especially those that might have leverage to hire an attorney, something that may seem disturbing to them. For instance, Tardive Dyskinesia is so noticeable that this may lead to a lawsuit. It may mean that we’ve blown it so badly that now, the otherwise employable patient is now unemployable.
3. Do not admit fault. NEVER. Never apologize because this makes you appear at fault.
4. Before the concerned relatives have a chance to gather steam, REDIAGNOSE the patient. All the new symptoms now must add up to a new psych diagnosis. So TD becomes OCD or anxiety. The patient is restless. Nervous. It couldn’t possibly be TD. Naw, she wiggles her hand because she’s compulsive. Or manipulative. Or attention-seeking. Now, give her more drugs for OCD. Have her totally convinced and playing the part.
5. See to it that there’s a gag order. This won’t be called a gag order, of course. No one can talk about such things. Just slide this one under the rug. Twenty years later, who cares?
6. You can keep harming all you want. Just keep following the formula and get rich quick.