Some scary things have happened.
I went to the doctor’s last Tuesday. The appointment went okay. She weighed me and took some blood, and was concerned, and I have to go back in a couple of weeks to get weighed again, and then in about three months to have my blood drawn again. Everything came out normal except kidney function. Possibly this has to do with the fact that I was on lithium, but I haven’t taken it since last August, and I only took it for a few months. I was very dizzy when I was at the doctor’s. I could barely get on and off the table, and walk down the hall to the lab. That happens to me frequently. Sometimes, when I walk the dog, I am scared to leave the house, but I bring my cell phone, and I figure if I get too weak to continue walking, I can call for help.
Something else happens. My thoughts scramble. This has happened before, when I’ve been very ill. I don’t consider myself to be ill now. I know the thought scrambling comes from not eating enough. It’s scary when it happens, and I can’t do things right, and I’m afraid to go out or walk Puzzle when I get like that. I usually wait a while, and it goes away.
I keep a supply of Gatorade around for emergencies. Seems I have little emergencies a lot. Times when I get so starved that I have to replenish right away, and that’s what the Gatorade is for. I carry it around with me.
My therapist threatened to hospitalize me last time I saw her. I told her no, that I didn’t need to be in the hospital, that I am really okay. She has stopped believing me, because that’s what I always say, but she let it go for now.
My thesis is due May 18. That means I have about 11 days before I have to print it out and mail it to my advisor and second reader. The last thing I need is to be locked up somewhere, forced to eat off trays with plastic silverware three times a day, get weighed every morning, and end up fighting with staff over menus. I’ve been there. It’s a game. It’s a cruel way to treat any human being. I don’t need that. I must get better somehow. I must eat. I can’t blow it all now.