The bus is coming any minute now

The bus will be here rather soon.  According to the “bus predictor,” that is. These handy little websites and “apps” on our cell phones are truly gems because it means that we no longer get soaked in the rain.

Well, no, I take that back.

You won’t get soaked If And Only IF

you don’t have the Cell Phone From Hell.

If you have the Cell Phone From Hell, forget it, you’re bound to miss every single bus.  The Cell Phone From Hell will ruin your life and everyone’s life who is within earshot of you, because….

Every word coming out of your mouth is this: “ASSHOLE!”

Every day, you grit your teeth and break a few trying your darndest not to throw that Cell Phone From Hell against a wall.

Texting while driving?  It can’t be done, so don’t worry. The Cell Phone From Hell won’t text when you want it to. You’ll crash trying to get it to send.  Either that, or you’ll be so pissed off that you’ll throw your car against a wall.

Do that enough times and I assure you, you’ll have six pack abs in no time.

I think I’ve invented a great Fitness Solution, haven’t I?

So what do you do about getting soaked in the rain?  You have no car cuz it’s been slammed against the wall too many times, right?

Get wet.  You do it every day in the shower anyway, or so I figure.  Meanwhile, I think the bus is taking its sweet time getting here. I don’t have time for a shower quite, but maybe I can quickly get online and order the Cell Phone from Heaven to replace the one that’s been making me mutter “Asshole” nonstop for the past year.

Just put it on my tab.

Love, Julie

Bad luck

So in the past week or so, I have sat on a pair of glasses and broken them.  Luckily, I anticipated someday having this sort of bad luck, so I do have a spare pair of glasses.  I advise anyone with poor vision (mine is around  -12) to have spare glasses.  You never know when idiots such as careless nurses or EMT’s might accidentally lose them if you are hospitalized or whatever.  And you’ll never get them back, trust me.  I’m sure they have a back room full of glasses belonging to dead people somewhere in some back room in every hospital, and when people come into the hospital and they can’t see, some nurse goes into that room full of spectacles, grabs one pair, goes to the person, and says, “Try these on, honey, do they help?”  And if they do, voila!  That’s recycling for you.

Anyway, I’m wearing my spares.  They are not so great, but they work.  Same prescription, I just don’t like them as much.

So another bad luck thing that happened was having my credit card number stolen.  I’m pretty sure who stole it.

And another bad luck thing that happened was that I bought a new cell phone and it is defective.  So I have to send it back.  It is activated and I have put money on it and that totally sucks.  I have contacted the company and I guess they will send a replacement…or they better.  And then I’m going to have to put more money on the new one just to activate it.

Meanwhile, I have to see a doctor.  Like right away. The human being I trust says I have medical issues that are important and I need medical tests done.  And every time I get on the phone, people complain that they hear beeping.   So thankfully, I have a spare phone.   The phone will run out of minutes…oh geez.

I don’t even want to leave the house.  I don’t want to wear clothes, only pajamas.

I don’t want to see a doctor.  I don’t want to see any humans.  I don’t want any humans to see me this fat.  I want to cut the fat off my body.  I don’t want to leave the house or have any humans see me until I lose this horrible weight.

I went to bed and woke up three pounds heavier.  That’s the other bad luck thing.  I don’t see how that can be possible.

I wish I had woken up dead instead.

Can’t find the manual? Don’t panic. Here’s a cell phone remedy a crazy lady with a dog knows about, and it’s free!

I’m not sure that this will work with those fancy iphones and things like that, phones that people shell out an arm and a leg for each month, but it may.  This remedy also will also occasionally cure some laptops and other electronic devices when they are not working right.

I am telling you this just to save you a call to 611 only to be told to call back on a landline, and then a long, long wait to get a real human being, only to be told to take your cell phone to a shop.  Then, you travel far and wide to get to the shop, wait in line, maybe you get charged and maybe you get talked into buying a new cell phone.  Or you Google and Google to find the manual, finally find the .pdf, open it, and if you find your answer at all, it’s probably, “Get your phone serviced.” Or all you find is a “Quick start guide” that tell you how to turn the phone on and off, and then buy ringtones and spend more money.

Now, I want you to avoid all this hassle.

Here’s what to do if, say, someone calls and instead of ringing, the phone just sits there and maybe lights up for a sec or maybe does nothing at all.   Super annoying, right?  This is 2013 and we no longer have clunker ancient cell phones that fail and drop calls all the time.  Or rings weirdly or does or does not do anything else incorrectly.  If your cell phone does it once, forgive it.  Twice is completely unpardonable.  Here’s what to do.

1. Don’t panic.

2. Sit down in a well-lit place that’s free of clutter.  You don’t want to do this, for example, in an extremely messy car because something will get lost.  You’re already frustrated, and misplacing something is going to make you doubly frustrated.

3. Shut off your cell phone.

4. Remove the battery cover.  Most cell phones have some sort of back cover that is removable.  You may need a coin to get the back cover off.  Dimes work well.  I don’t recommend using your fingernail, although sometimes these work fine, too.  Don’t be violent with the cover no matter how pissed off you are, because many of these covers are quite delicate.  Remember which way the cover fit on, because you are going to have to put it back.  Now above all, once you’ve got the cover off, put it someplace safe.  Do not lose it or step on it, or let your three-year-old use it for a teething ring.

5. Carefully remove the battery.  This may in fact not be so easy.  Don’t drop it and don’t lose it and don’t get it wet.  Once you’ve got it out, keep it out for a few seconds and then put it back in exactly how it was before.  You have now “reset” your phone.

6. Put your cover back on.  Gently.

Of course, if your phone or device does not have a battery you can remove yourself, none of this applies, but this little trick will often restore your phone to life and will save you a length call to tech support or a trip to the shop, and maybe even some dough.