THE TRADE-OFF (A RANT)
Like hell I’m supposed to just accept it. Take your meds and you will feel better. Take your meds and you will be so doped up that you won’t be able to think straight and you won’t be able to write at all, you’ll nod off in workshops, you’ll yawn your way through advising group meetings no matter how much sleep you got the night before, and for godsakes how am I supposed to stay awake at my advisor’s reading tonight? I mean, folks, this is really important–my advisor is my advisor and it seems imperative that I familiarize myself with her work–shit, man, she’d better be the first reader or I’m gonna flip–readers, you’re not going to believe this:
I will have three weeks to read three books and write papers on them, start a draft of a 17 to 20 page critical paper, and come up with 15-20 pages of prose.
And I’m supposed to do all that on HOW MANY MILLIGRAMS OF THORAZINE???
It’s a trade-off, not a very nice one, I must say. The alternative isn’t pretty. Having Evil Beings shouting at me all the time while I’m trying to write is far worse, but try to convince me of this while I’m typing up a “process letter” to Paisley (my advisor) full of excuses as to why I didn’t get my work done, that I was too sleepy, the meds dope me up too much, stifle my creativity, make me stupid, take all the passion out of life…
WELL, GODDAMMIT, THEY DO!!!!
Segue to Dr. P’s office. I see Goldie on the 22nd, Dr. P on the 23rd. Goldie may actually be a pleasure because I might be able to bring Puzzle. I see Goldie at 4:30. Then Dr. P the next day.
“Well.” I can see her now. She plucks her pen out of her appointment book and nibbles on the end of it. “I guess we found out it wasn’t such a good idea to cut down on those PRN’s, huh.”
(PRN stands for something in Latin which means “as needed.” I take extra Thorazine if I need it, whether spell-check accepts the word or not.)
I can see Dr. P tapping her pen on the notes she’s writing. She takes lots of notes. “Well. I don’t know what we can do. It’s a trade-off.”
At this point, I hurl her computer monitor out the window.