I don’t know about this recovery stuff. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to feel good about it. Am I supposed to be looking forward to this? Cuz I’m not. I am NOT looking forward to gaining weight. I have no desire for it whatsoever. I dread it. I can’t believe some people come into recovery looking forward to eating normally again and being like a “normal” person. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be me. I’m not normal. Never have been, never will be.
Some say that the ED covers up who we really are. If they take away the ED, it will make me plain, like a “normal,” without personality, flat, lifeless, hating myself for being fat. Because once I start gaining, I won’t stop. I know myself and I know my body. Even though I have discipline, “they” will do something to ensure that I gain extra weight, because this is what “they” want. I will hate myself and want to die. I will hate my new, fat body and I will want to escape from it. I will no longer be me.
So, should I stay home tomorrow? I’m going. I have made this promise to myself and I’m going. I won’t like it and I can leave if I want, I suppose. I fear that I will hate it there. I fear that I will be very angry. But I will give it a chance, one chance, anyway.
All my friends are behind this move. Everyone is, except for one brother who says, “The solution is simple. All you need to do is to cook food, and then eat it.” I gave him my therapist’s number. She has my permission to talk to him.