Actually, figure this: How many of you, when faced with a major decision in life, consult your husband or wife? How many of you consult your parents? How many of you consult your therapist?
Hey, I don’t got no hubby, no kids, no parents to rely on. I go to my therapist, this new one, and she’s been no use to me. I make all my decisions myself, based on my own opinion, my own judgment, what makes sense to me. I weigh the pros and cons. I depend on no one, and I don’t fall apart when there’s no one around to pat me on the back for a job well done. I pat myself on the back (though I don’t mind compliments). And I made up my mind a while back that I’m going to reject “constructive feedback,” cuz the last bit of that wasn’t all that constructive or helpful. Those of you who have received “constructive feedback” from controlling people know just what I mean.
I am emotionally dependent on no one. I am not wrapped up in this new therapist so it’s no issue to fire her. I’ve only seen her three times and I won’t miss her. In fact, I’ll be relieved not to have to make that miserable commute, as the weather is about to turn nasty. As soon as I made the decision, I felt a lot better. Now, I will be freeing up Thursdays once more. I’m sure she’ll offer to reschedule, but no, I’m done. Given that she was not helpful, I am not losing anything at all, anyway.
I plan to schedule another appointment with Dr. P very soon, and another appointment with Dr. K to see about my liver levels. I think I’m going to have to cancel North Carolina. I get exhausted and need naps frequently. I can be mid-sentence with my writing and suddenly, I’m out cold. I simply can’t be accountable to another person for five hours a day. It’s too much. Even with a scheduled break I know I cannot do it.
We don’t know why my body won’t sleep. It’s not psychiatric. I am not manic and I’m not depressed. My thoughts don’t race at night. I do not experience anxiety or worry. I am not experiencing nightmares that wake me up. I don’t obsess over whether I”m going to sleep or not. We (Dr. K and Dr. P, who know me, and I) and my new student acupuncturist all agree that it has to do with my past eating disorder, though. Dr. P has noticed cognitive changes as well. Folks say I don’t make sense when I am speaking to them. This is an example of the cognitive problem I have. We don’t know if these changes are permanent or if I will get my abilities back. It’s funny cuz when I leave a message for Dr. P, it is barely understandable, she says. I try so hard to communicate. Just can’t communicate properly. No, I don’t need antipsychotics. This is not psychosis.
I told Dr. P I first noticed some brain stuff happening in December or January this past year. Yeah, it was psychotic-like, from starvation. No pill would have cured it, of course. What I needed was food. I got food, but I guess it was goo late, cuz I had killed off some brain cells, or temporarily disablied them.
All this affects my writing. It is affecting what I am writing now. I rarely complete a project.
Sadly, the one project I did complete recently is a piece I’m reading in church. Unfortunately, I feel like the piece isn’t even wanted. Just circumstances. Oh well. Gotta go sleep now.