February 3 I did not write in the It Notebook. I slept all day long. Literally.
Feb 4, 2011
I slept all day yesterday. Missed my appt with my T. I woke up @ 11:30! I now know why. I had a bad reaction to DayQuil. I did not read the warning. It says right on it. I am stupid, stupid, stupid. You can read it on the Internet, too. No antidepressants, and on the Internet–drugs.com–it mentions, specifically Effexor–raised BP. Shit. I was soooooo lucky.
Not only that, I shit in my underwear overnight…
Even at 11pm, I still felt lousy.
I ended up with It 20 minutes after getting up this morning, but was able to pass the Hemingway test, so I knew I was okay enough. And in fact I improved considerably while brusing Puzzle’s teeth. My former T has said many times that brushing Puzzle’s teeth sounded like such an intimate thing to do.
I know that It is raging right now. I’m supposed to call someone at 10:15 hopefully I’ll be okay. PET PUZZLE.
2 hours till I leave for therapy. Hope I’m okay.
I can’t do math but I think I’ll be okay by 1pm.
Well, I wasn’t okay getting over there. Long story that I don’t want to delve into at the moment. Therapy was interesting and I wish I remembered more of what my T said. Something about It serving a purpose.
It is 12:35 at night
I do not want to go on.
I am tired of my sad life.
Today, I posted on a service dog message board, and all they had to say was that Puzzle was aggressive an eventually would have to be euthanized. First of all–not true. Secondly–not supportive. Thirdly–this totally got to me and I felt hurt and angry and I don’t want to go back to that board. I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t anymore. But one thing I do know is that Puzzle is not aggressive and what they said did more harm than help me. I thought message boards were places where people were supoortive and kind and caring, especially message boards where the constituents have mental illnesses.
See, I try to reach out, and it is not working.
Guess I need to reach out elsewhere, like I did, six moths ago, when I met Frank.
All I know is how much I love Puzzle.
I’d better not go to that board anymore.
The whole thing is a bummer, though, cuz clearly, my SD idea probably won’t work out.
But what Puzzle gives to me and the love we share will always be here, and hasn’t wavered. She cannot read words on a computer screen, after all. She doesn’t let a message board get to her. So why should I?
Meanwhile…My T implied today that It will be around for a good while. Guess I might as well get used to it.
She talked about coping skills.
What is there to cope with? Sadness and despair….
It is 1:30 in the morning. I feel like I am already dead. Because this is not living. Fighting off It for the next year or so is a wasted year or so. What the fuck happened to me? I remember clearly when I had The Thing, and Joe got sick, his parents did everything they could to keep the two of us separated, because they blamed me for his sickness. And so we both suffered separately.
But circumstances changed, and his parents lost their power. We were together again. I believe that this was around the time that The Thing went away for good. Of course, no one believed me, at the time, that The Thing existed. So they didn’t understand what a joyful thing is was for me when The Thing left me for good.
I am tired. Sick of it all.
Just want to bury myself.
I guess bury myself in a grave and not get our of it.
But the ground is cold and hard, frozen solid in January and February. So why would I find a grave so inviting? Why does a frozen place seem warm? Am I crazy?
They say that when people are freezing to death they suddenly feel warm, and discard their clothing.
But I am not naked yet.