I can’t sleep. I’ve been mulling things over and mulling thing over, and it’s doing me no good. I’ve got to stop. People, places, things…can’t let it all get to me. I’ve been out of the hospital a week, determined to life life perfectly, and life hasn’t been perfect. Far from it.
The good part: I’ve gotten tons done on my novel revision. I worked over five hours straight at the library yesterday and I’ve been able to work just as hard every day since I’ve gotten out. I’m nearly caught up on my assignments for my novel revision class.
The bad part: My depression is returning. I’ve binged a couple of times, and fasted and overexercised in response. Yesterday, I walked ten miles. The temptation to break into a run would be irresistible if I weren’t so fatigued. I haven’t changed my clothes for a couple of days, and have slept in them and not taken them off or showered. Bad sign. I just can’t bear to do so.
I have this horrible fear of losing all my friends. A horrible fear of everyone, absolutely everyone leaving me for good. People who have promised me they would never leave me have left me. I do not believe such promises anymore. How can I trust anyone now? How can I trust humans? The only one I trust is Puzzle. I called one of the few friends I had left tonight, feeling like begging her not to leave me, but what would have been the point? It is offensive to do such a thing, I suppose.
If I could get down on my knees and pray right now, I would. But what would I pray for? For a day of eating sanity? That seems kind of selfish to me. That I stop losing friends? That, too, seems a selfish thing to pray for. Maybe I could pray that I am a strong, healthy, giving, loving person. But I don’t really believe in God anymore. I wish I did. I wish I had a capability to pray.
I am not a strong, healthy, giving, loving person. Not according to anyone. Period. I suck.
Okay, self-hate fest over. Tomorrow, I plan to (sorry) go to the track and walk. It isn’t on my schedule, but that’s what I’m going to do. Then I will walk Puzzle and then I will head off for the library eventually, work like crazy, and then come home. I’ll pretend everything’s okay. And everything really, really, really is okay.