Wow, I just discovered these journal entries from last year. I love these writings and there’s no reason they can’t be included in my new book as historical records of someone’s experience in a tough inner-city emergency room. I’ve got all the entries in a “category” and they come up together. You need to scroll backwards I think. The link I’m providing is to the beginning page. The first in the series is posted first, so you need to scroll up.
I also discovered some e-mails I never sent and voice recordings I made.
Saturday, July 23, 2011 #3
My case manager from DMH was here briefly and brought my things. Then I spoke with a psychiatrist. I guess I was able to impress upon her that I am not “actively suicidal” so she is letting me go home.
My blood pressure this morning: normal
My pulse: 45
They did not weigh me the whole time I was here. That’s okay. I very well may have refused to get on the scale.
Back to my life.
Saturday, July 23, 2011 #2
I have showered. I notice that the edema is gone. I know this because my socks make very little imprint on my legs. They no longer watch me except when I eat. I have not seen a doctor today. Apparently I am going to be allowed a cup of coffee. That would be nice.
OH, I MIGHT AS WELL FINISH THIS UP. THERE ARE ONLY THREE ENTRIES FOR SATURDAY, JULY 23.
Saturday, July 23, 2011 #1
They have allowed me to call my Department of Mental Health case manager to get my things, and also the person at the apartment building who can let her into my apartment. They might get me some coffee this morning. I might get a shower if I’m here tomorrow. They want me to drink fluids. I have not had anything to drink today. I have not had anything to eat today. I have no desire to eat or drink.
THIS CONCLUDES MY FRIDAY 7/22/2011 ENTRIES. THE NEXT ENTRIES ARE FROM SATURDAY, 7/23/2011, HOWEVER, I AM NOT GOING TO POST THEM RIGHT AWAY. I AM A BIT TIRED RIGHT NOW AND NEED A BREAK.
#16 Friday 7/22/11
The guy who ran off apparently took another patient’s money with him. It must have been in a plastic bag in a really obvious place. Or anyone could have taken money in a plastic bag. But it was gone. I heard someone say, “Maybe the skinny dude took it.”
What I told the nurse about my medication: I have been here since Thursday afternoon. It is now Friday night. My last dose of any medication was Thursday morning. My plan for a long time has been to stop my medication. However, stopping 3 anticonvulsives “cold turkey” is bound to give me a seizure. I do not want to have a seizure. So, I will need something soon. She will probably bring my meds soon. She said she wasn’t aware that I am on meds. I told her that I had given them this information upon my arrival at the ER.
A man came in who acted okay. They picked him up on the streets. I guess he was acting crazy. They went to search him and he freaked out. He ran out of here, past the security guys, past the nurses, through the emergency ward, and free.
I just ate dinner. It was broccoli, pasta, pudding, and apple juice. I ate the broccoli right away. I felt like broccoli was okay to eat. I eat broccoli at home. Then I checked out what the pudding was. Vanilla. I decided it was okay to eat the vanilla pudding because there wasn’t that much of it. So I ate it with the plastic spoon. The pasta I knew would be a problem I didn’t really know what was in it. It tasted pretty good. I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop eating it once I started. It was mushy and okay for my teeth. It felt good in my mouth. I took one bite, and put it in my mouth. I took another bite, and another. I ate and knew I was full but kept on eating. To me, it was a mountain of pasta, yet if filled up only a part of the styrofoam plate. How could this be? I felt like I was picking at a large heap of pasta until that large heap was all inside my stomach.
Friday, July 22, 2011 #12
The doctor came and talked to me. There is a bed at the eating disorders hospital. I will not go there. They got my T on the phone. I love my T. She said I should agree to go to the eating disorders hospital because my life depends on it. She said I should ask the part of me that is self-sabotaging to step aside. I wold her I would not go to the eating disorders hospital and we said goodbye to each other. Then the other doctor took me back into my room, saying that if I went to the eating disorders hospital, my T would take me back. I said I would not go, and requested to be allowed to go home. The doctor said she would not send me home, and tried to give me a hard time about it. I think they are having a hard time finding a place that will take me. So maybe they will just give up trying to find a place, and send me home. I have not, in face, stated why I starve myself, that is what I am trying to accomplish. They have asked but I have not answered. They do ask, “Do you know what will happen if you continue doing what you’re doing?” and I say yes, but I do not say out loud in words what I know, and they know will happen to me.
Friday, July 22, 2011 #11
This doctor they mentioned still has not come to see me. They have not given me my medications since my arrival here about 24 hours ago. That includes last night’s meds and this morning’s meds. I wonder how much longer I will be here. I wonder where I will go. It is around 2:30 in the afternoon. They have taken my vital signs twice today. Once in the night and then this morning. They didn’t say anything. I assume my tests came out normal because they haven’t said a word to me otherwise.