Have you ever had trouble getting over a breakup?

It’s odd to be writing about this, since this is not a topic I frequently explore. I have read, though, that being depressed over a breakup is likely a common reason why people fall for the therapy trap. I suspect what happens, or can happen, is that a person feels an empty hole that the ex used to fill. They go to therapy, whether they know it or not, to fill that empty hole.

I did, in fact, a very long time ago, have trouble getting over a breakup. I think this only happened one time. I was 18 years old when I met HIM. He was older than me. I used this as a way to think I was cool, or some such thing.

I remember he knew a lot more about the world than I did. I looked up to him for that reason. He had what I thought was good common sense. He was also a hard worker and was good at finishing what he started. I had only finished my freshman year of college and he was a few years out.

I recall he had a very tough time getting a job. I believe this was because there were no jobs and the area was overrun with college students and grads who were filling up the job market. Finally he got a job washing dishes. It was all he could find at the time.

I was washing dishes, too. I liked the job because it was just me and the dishes. Washing dishes isn’t monotonous at all! There’s a rhythm to it, and you get used to that. It isn’t repetitive since you aren’t just washing one thing, such as plates. You might wash cups, or pans, or trays….and that changes throughout the shift. The dishwashing apparatus does make noise, but the noise isn’t obnoxious like McDonald’s loudspeaker noise.

HE came home late at night and so did I. Things seemed good over the summer. But I think the reason why I had such a hard time with this breakup, eventually, when it happened, was because inside, I never fully trusted him. I was always a bit on guard.

I don’t even remember feeling jealous, but just angry when he was clearly dating someone else. I convinced myself I wasn’t “good enough” and had to be “better” to win him back. He did not break up with me. After a while, though, I figured it out.

I don’t recall crying or anything, except one time when I burst into tears during my trumpet lesson. Other than that, I pretty much kept my utter frustration and feelings of loss to myself. I suspect a few people knew, though.

I got over it by relocating. I felt that I had get away from where I was, because HE was there, and I’d forever be tempted to woo him back, or think I was, as long as I stayed in the same place. This turned out to be an advantageous move for me. After all, there were very few jobs in the area. I moved primarily to take a new job, but in the back of my mind, I knew it would help me with the grieving I felt. It did.

After that, I don’t recall ever feeling like I was going to fall apart after a breakup. I strengthened myself. A lot of the time, I was the one who ended the relationship. A few times the guy got intolerable, and other times, I figured out early on that I was being used. I stopped putting a whole bunch of stake into these partnerships. I was much better off due to that decision.

Come to think of it, there was one time when I felt the loss very deeply, but now that I look back, a lot of what I was going through was mostly drug-induced.

These courtships go through the same cycle every time. I’m so used to it that whenever I meet someone, I tell myself it won’t last, or in many instances, that I don’t want it at all.

Book recommendation….or maybe not

Here is the book I purchased and read today:

I am not going to review it on Amazon, mainly because my feelings are mixed.

It didn’t help my overwhelming feeling of insignificance. Not at all. Besides that….

Some readers may be insulted by his style. I was not, but I didn’t exactly find it uplifting.

I don’t read books for “feelgood” anyway.

I like what he says about taking responsibility for your actions. He also says something about failure being part of life that I liked.

I did not like reading about getting negative people out of your life. I started reading his description of “negative people” and I said to myself, “Uh oh, I’m one of those people. Now what? Get me out of my life?”

Negativity is perceived. It’s not a real personality trait and it’s not something you can prove. A lot of people call those they dislike “negative.” In fact, they will use worse words such as various psych diagnoses, mainly due to their own inadequacies, their own failures.

Either way, when I was done with the book, I told myself the last thing I want to do is to get into a conversation with the author. I am not sure how much you can see in the preview but if he’s as insulting in real life as he is in his writing, I can’t see that anyone would want a dose of him.

How to kill off massive amounts of people

Maybe I have been thinking too much about science fiction novels where the world comes to an end. Or maybe reading too much history, instances where many were killed.

Here is how to really kill off a lot of people, though. The good news is that mostly, you’re going to kill off seniors. Who needs ’em, anyway?

No, I’m not talking about opening fire in a nursing home. That would be downright stupid and illogical.

Here is what WILL work, though. I don’t know why I keep thinking this is really going to happen. I guess because it CAN happen. That’s the basis of a lot of really good science fiction out there. The possible.

This crazy notion I have started in late 2013. I went to see a doctor I had never seen before. During the entire appointment, I could tell that he saw me as a lowlife, someone he didn’t want to bother with.

Before I could even make a decision, he was suddenly giving me a flu shot, insisting on it. Because of his attitude, I kept saying to myself, “Anything could be in that shot. How do I know it’s just the flu shot?”

You don’t know, do you? You don’t! They say it’s killed viruses, but what else is in it?

I hear about seniors lining up for the flu shot or the shingles shot like sheep. They trust that they’re getting a vaccination, but they don’t know, do they? How much would it take to substitute something else?

Think of how fast you’d kill people off, or seriously maim them with something poisonous. It seems far too easy.

It could happen. So here I am, playing on people’s fear, you say. But it could, and I bet someday, it will.

Psychiatric diagnosis as a form of classism

My late boyfriend Joe had a volunteer job for a while. He had chosen the location himself, approached the folks in charge and they gave him a job. However, after the first day on the job, Joe seemed discouraged. I asked him why.

He said they had him sitting at a desk and told him to give people directions if they asked. He also had to answer the phone if it rang.

For the entire four hours, he said, no one asked him for directions and the phone did not ring once.

I am well familiar with this sort of volunteer job, where they take one look at you and then, put you in some position where you aren’t really needed. Or wanted. I think it was 1983 that I went to volunteer in a hospital, the same hospital where I had been a patient. I did the exact same job that Joe did.

We talked about this at length. The reasons why these volunteer coordinators put us in useless jobs were different, but it amounted to classism, which was at the root of their snobbery. In my case, they decided that since I was an MP, I was useless and incapable. In Joe’s case, they came to the same conclusion because he had a visible disability. Neither of us was given a chance.

You won’t last long at such a job. That’s what they want, of course.

The real killer was that we both watched “candy stripers,” who were high school kids, doing real work. Mostly they delivered parcels from one unit to another. It was disheartening indeed that we weren’t even considered worthy of that.

There have been times in my life since then that I have been completely disregarded. I’m sure you guys have been through, it, too. When people look right through you like you aren’t there. It was like that for me at that supposed liberal church, too. For two years in a row I was left out of the “greeters” list. I was told this was an oversight. I was fairly sure this couldn’t happen twice accidentally. Yes, they did know I was an MP. I told them. Because I was stupid enough to do so.

I think this kind of thing happens in everyday life, too. If you work, I bet there are people at work who think they’re above you in some fashion. They never give you meaningful responsibility because they see you as incapable.

Yesterday I had an aide working with me. By all means, the teacher and the aide need to work cooperatively, that is, they need to at least communicate. I noticed that the kids like this aide. They definitely gravitate toward certain teachers and staff members more than others. They interacted with him a lot, joked around, etc. I knew he would come into my classroom during one of my classes. I said hello to him early in the day. He walked right by me.

Then, in the classroom, several times I spoke to him, mostly about trivial matters such as the fact that the door stopper didn’t work. I was shocked at his attitude. He didn’t react when I spoke to him. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence. It wasn’t that I felt invisible. To him, it was reality. I was indeed totally invisible.

Okay, Dude, maybe I am not quite young enough for you. Maybe I am not pretty enough, or too short to be worth your while. I’ll never know.

This, to me, symbolized how I was treated the whole time I was a known MP. That casual disregard. Behind it was their desire to make me totally disappear, get out of the way, because they had important things to do that they perceived were completely beyond me.

There is no place in my life for such snobbery. If you think you’re better than others, just get out of my life, please.

Diagnosis creates an excuse for non-diagnosed people to exclude and discriminate. Diagnosis is a form of classism at its very heart. While there are other forms, such as racism and homophobia, diagnosis gives people a reason to exclude when they can’t think of other reasons.

In fact, perceived diagnosis is sometimes seen as a valid reason to exclude, while race and gender discrimination are now off limits in many sectors of society.

I don’t think things are going to change very soon. There are a lot of circles where I am not included, even now. I have given up. I would rather find the underclass, where people are seen as people, where they have this odd idea that no one is better than anyone else.

Organic vs non-organic

What foods do you think are better if organic? By far, organic eggs are superior to non-organic. There’s no comparison if you have tasted them side by side.

I also notice organic strawberries are better than non-organic. The organic ones seem to taste more real.

I do not notice much difference between organic and non-organic apples. Same goes for carrots. I think the non-organic, local bell peppers are better tasting than the organic ones shipped in from god-knows-where.

I think non-organic popcorn pops up better.

For some reason, seeing the fruit (say, apples) lined up perfectly and perfectly shiny at Whole Foods really disgusts me. I must be turning into a real Yinzer in my dislike for Whole Foods. We do not want them (or Starbucks) here! I’m quite happy not to have a WF in my county. I think we have one Starbucks and that’s it.

When I first saw a coffeeshop called Crazy Mocha, I was thrilled. Crazy is fine by me, I thought. We have them all over the Burgh. And…hmm…how many out here? One, that I know of. The rest of the coffee shops are mom and pop versions. Breakfast nooks, diners, and the like. And Brighton Hot Dog Shoppe, which is a small chain.

Does anyone think organic coffee is anything to rave about? Do you notice a difference in taste? Or…do people care more if it’s “free trade” or not? Why don’t people care about other foods and whether they are “free trade”?

Did you know that someone in the FDA got bribed by chicken farmers? Did you know that chicken called “organic” might be injected with broth? Yes, they get away with this. Hint: You can tell by the sodium count.

The harmful stereotype

I used to tell therapists that I had an eating disorder, and almost immediately, they’d react by stereotyping me. “So you must be a perfectionist,” they invariably said.

So what if I am not?

A warning to such therapists: If you tell a person enough times that she is a perfectionist, she’s likely to live up your expectations.

I have known many ED’s in my day (this is the common abbreviation…) and some were perfectionists, but many were not. Some had it shoved down their throats so many times that they had turned into perfectionists, sadly.

Now another stereotype, which has no basis in reality, is that the ED girl has an “overinvolved mother.” How involved our parents are varies from generation to generation. My parents were closer to “free range,” as it’s called now, as were all the parents back then, so that blasts away the stereotype immediately.

I did know a few girls who seemed to be wrapped up in their mothers, but this was a tiny minority in my generation. I admit it was disturbing to me to see this, only because it was so foreign to me. I saw a lot of it in the nuthouse. I remember one roommate I had, a teenager, would totally change when visiting hour came around. I observed her mother, with, I must admit, utter disgust. This mother kept running her fingers through her daughter’s hair, in a rather controlling manner, and even draped herself over the daughter’s bed. I wondered, upon seeing this childish behavior, who was the mother and who was the patient! This mother acted like the daughter was a doll, a plaything, and not a person.

However, this was the parenting style for a while, in a generation that wasn’t mine. I highly doubt it mattered what sort of mother you had. If you ended up with ED, you ended up with ED.

Another stereotype is that the family puts a whole lot of emphasis on physical appearance. My observation is that this may, or may not be true. I don’t recall any emphasis whatsoever on appearance in my family. No one talked about weight back then, not at all.

Now here’s another stereotype: That an ED girl or woman spends hours at the mirror. I don’t think this is true or not true. I know I didn’t fit that one, either. I never spent any time at the mirror at all. Even now, days go by when I just don’t look. I do not need a mirror to braid my hair, so why bother? I did not spend any time at the mirror as a teen. I don’t even know if I owned one when my ED started. I didn’t “check” my clothes or my hair. I just didn’t care. Why should I?

As I see it, the fact that I defied the ED stereotype (except that I was female) was what led to those idiot therapists totally ignoring any complaints I had about eating. I have to laugh, because during times that my weight dropped they still ignored what was obviously ED. More than one of those fools even said I was “faking” ED. It’s really sad, because all this nonsense caused them to miss the mark. For three decades!

By then, they had already given me so many drugs I am amazed I could even stand up anymore. They had given me ECT, likely because McLean Hospital was sick of me. Still, I remember leaving those nuthouses feeling that odd disappointment I always felt. Like they had not helped. Like they hadn’t listened or heard me.

Funny how these feelings don’t lie. Half of my ex-therapists had no clue I had ED, even though I told them over and over. I suppose it went in one ear, and out the other. How on earth can that happen for 30 years?

They even told me. “You don’t fit the stereotype.”

Maybe those stereotypes need to go. Maybe they need to realize that people are all different, that you can’t categorize like that. Maybe, on the other hand, they all need to turn in their licenses, give up their all-holy profession, and find a real job. The world may be a better place if they do.

If there is a coerced suicide law, then shouldn’t there be a drug-induced suicide and homicide law?

There are clear differences between the BC suicide case and the Michelle Carter case. It looks like the BC student who coerced her boyfriend to kill himself was also abusing him relentlessly. Now with Michelle Carter it looks like Conrad Roy was abusing her and she did what she did in order to survive. Threatening suicide often is a form of abuse if accompanying this are demands to behave in a certain way. Apparently, Conrad threatened regularly whenever Michelle didn’t do what he wanted.

It looks like in the BC case, the woman was abusing the man all along. How many times do we even find out if abuse is a factor in a person’s suicide?

We already know certain drugs can cause suicide or homicide. If we are to punish those who push other people to do themselves in, then shouldn’t we also punish those who give drugs that cause similar destruction?

This would especially be relevant if the patient complains of akathesia or other warning signs, and those complaints are ignored.

And how do you decide what is a causative factor?

We do punish drug dealers who sell or give drugs to a person who later dies from taking them. Why are we not punishing psychiatrists?

Or… maybe we should just declare every person responsible for themselves. I don’t think this can stated universally, though, due to the proliferation of mind control techniques including coercion and drugging.

On a far more minor scale, I signed a paper in the ER and wasn’t told what I was signing. As it turns out, I was signing that I’d pay well over $100 for a pair of crutches. I was not told that if the crutches didn’t fit I should bring them back. So they got my signature but didn’t tell me what I was signing. I suspect that getting someone to sign something without proper informed consent is not legal. It deprives us of free will, the ability to make our own decisions.

Desperation can lead to agreeing to something illogical and possibly destructive

We have seen this already for decades. Some of you may recall being coerced into ECT. ECT is not logical. Most would not agree to putting a huge amount of electricity into their brains, causing brain damage, as a cure for anything. What causes people to agree to it?

In many cases, people are told this is the only answer, that their options have been used up. The translation might be that the hospital staff are tired of seeing you there. Or your insurance company doesn’t want to pay anymore. Or they might find it more profitable to cycle the patients and move you elsewhere (another hospital or the state hospital, for instance) and profit more by bringing in fresh new victims. Zapping your brain will impair you to the point where they’ll be sure you won’t make trouble so they might even let you out.

What they tell you is going to be quite different from the truth. The coercion is done by making you believe your situation is desperate, either telling you they won’t let you out unless you agree, or they’ll send you to State if you refuse. They might even tell you that you’ll commit suicide if you don’t get ECT. Either you’re already desperate, or they create desperation through threats and repetition. Much of this coercion is really force, since often they leave you with no way out, no other choice. Or they fool you into thinking this.

I got scammed due to my own desperation to get my book to sell, because of my fear of embarrassment if it didn’t. Maybe embarrassment is an understatement. I was devastated when This Hunger Is Secret didn’t sell. Perhaps I was afraid of going through that same devastation again. One day, I even thought of killing myself over it, when I realized that Chipmunkapublishing had done nothing to advertise my book. I sure do not want that again.

Ajay Matta offered an alternative to that devastation I remember so well. A way out. A way to avoid discomfort. For a price.

Now let’s think about that for a minute. You can get coerced into doing pretty much anything if you are desperate enough. You might agree to taking a job you know you will hate, or a job for an unethical company, just for the paycheck you so badly need. If you are desperate for a place to live, you might agree to taking an apartment that’s clearly uninhabitable, or sharing with unreasonable roommates. Your fear of homelessness might cause you to agree to something illogical.

If you are overwhelmed with bills you might fall prey to a fake loan. These scammers offer the answer, but it’s not. (I’ve been contacted by a few of these folks and I have been forced to spam everything they send.)

A lot of abusers offer a safe haven from past abuse. “I’m the good one.” Or, “I’m the better one.” This can happen to people who were abused in childhood, or in their past marriage. We find out otherwise, don’t we?

If you are desperate enough for a good night’s sleep, you might fall prey to a scam product like Sizzurp. My experience with this was relatively benign, though. What if you agreed to putting wires in your brain, or agreed to psychosurgery? This is a little more than losing $20 and one night of sleep. This is losing your life, your freedom, and who knows what else.

This is how a person goes from the frying pan to the fire. This is how someone willingly gives in to something that very well could destroy them.

I think we need to be very careful of these situations. If we recognize what our deepest fears are, we can avoid the illogical thinking that results from our desperation. If we can recognize when the media or other authority figures induce fear in us, we can fight back against control and manipulation.

The typical advertisement plays on your fears. Take acid reflux for example. These ads will convince you that acid reflux is the end of the world, that it’s destroying your life. Or they’ll convince you that you need to eradicate pimples or menstrual cramps. Or maybe your sperm count isn’t up to par, or those few “extra pounds” will wreck your life. Feeling down? They’ll worsen it by telling you that feeling down is a disease called depression. They get you to a point of panic and then, convince you to agree to something you wouldn’t ordinarily want.

This is what is behind pretty much all advertising, behind coercion and brainwashing, and some types of abuse.

I’m wondering if simply delaying a decision will help us come to our senses. Delaying might help soften the desperation, whether it is there to begin with, or induced by advertising. This isn’t likely to work in instances of force, such as lockup situations.

Still, I’m thinking that it’s to the scammer’s advantage that you actually agree, or appear to agree, that it appears consensual. They want you to say yes. They want you to sign their papers.

What if we just said, “I’ll sign tomorrow”? Sometimes, this might work. By tomorrow, we have come to our senses.

NOTE: The Minds of Men was censored off of Amazon, still available on Vimeo

I only got to watch half of this film, but I highly recommend it. The part of it that I saw was excellent. I have read the Dykes’ blog entry about the censorship. I don’t think anyone knows why Amazon censored it.

I don’t understand why Amazon would censor such a great film, and at the same time, keep scam products such as Sizzurp on there.

Memory: It was around 2:30 in the morning in my time zone. I called up Amazon and begged them to take Sizzurp of the market. In fact, I remember that I burst into tears over the product, saying it was not only overpriced but a complete scam. I explained that pure sugar syrup is not going to put anyone to sleep as they advertise. Numerous companies sell this stuff, probably re-packaged with their own brand name, but it’s just sugary syrup. It’s ten dollars a dose, by the way, and it’ll more likely keep you up all night than put you to sleep. They probably sell it to people like me who were at their wits’ end trying to get to sleep at night, and would try anything, anything that might work. We found out. Then, they scam someone else.

I begged the Amazon representative to take this product off their site, that it had no sleep-inducing ability at all, that it was falsely advertised.

Who decides what stays on the Amazon machine, and what gets pulled?

I imagine that someone with vested interest in keeping the public in the dark about mind control (and psychiatry’s role in this) was influential enough over Amazon to get the film censored.

It’s a very long film and I do not have the patience to watch the whole thing in one sitting. Given my dislike for movies on the whole, it’s even harder. Still, I was very impressed with this film. I am not able to paste in a Vimeo link, but here’s the page on Melissa and Aaron Dykes’ page: