House of Horrors case, Erika Murray found insane….and not guilty

This is one for Peter Breggin…..

Was she on anti-d pills? That apparently was not covered by the press.

Now as far as the abusive boyfriend is concerned, if it was narcissistic abuse, then that itself causes insanity. Being abused by a narcissist is not a mental illness, by the way! It is torture.

Even if she wasn’t on drugs, the very fact that this boyfriend was abusive, and especially, as the article states, emotionally abusive, then this could cause a person to act in a way that is antisocial. This may mean the person commits a crime. I truly believe that this sort of abuse can cause this type of behavior. It can make you look like you have a personality disorder. But you don’t. You just have to get away from the abuse.

I have myself been subject to this sort of abuse. My high school best friend. or shall I say, “best friend,” was emotionally abusive to me. I’d say narcissistic. Funny, though, if anyone out there knew me when I was in high school you would likely agree with that statement. Kate was narcissistic. This affected me for four years. During those years, I felt desperate to get away, desperate to do anything to end what was essentially torture.

I even considered suicide. That was during the darkest part of it all, junior year. I considered it because it would have been a way out. However, college was also a way out. I put up with it another year, and then, I was freed. Freed by college.

What next? I don’t think anyone in my life was narcissistic like that until I met Maria Mellano, LICSW, who was my therapist from 2010 until 2012. It was actually just over a year.

That woman was so abusive that it almost killed me. Her office was near a major subway station. I used to leave her office and then I felt like jumping in front of a train. I didn’t.

During that year that she was abusing me, I lost all my friends. I lost everything that year. Afterward, after you leave a narcissistic situation, you go through very bad grieving. I continued to lose friends during that time. 2012 was one of the worst years of my life. I’m lucky I survived it.

I was very lucky. If you have read this far, then you’re likely one of the people in my life who has stuck around, god only knows why, because I acted like a jerk when I was going through all this. The fact that I have had real people in my life means more to me than I can possibly say. The fact that real human beings still speak to me, still give me a chance after all that…

It is a testimony to the human spirit. I held on. You held on. We all do the best we can in this life. You didn’t give up on me and I didn’t give up on me, either.

I did not commit a crime. Due to narcissistic abuse, combined with an anti-d drug I took 2011-2012, I really could have. I didn’t. I didn’t even come close. I almost killed myself, though, which is the flip side of homicide, but that, too, is past tense now. Almost-killed-self is not dead. You’re either alive or you are dead. That’s really a black and white issue, unless you’re going to tell me about afterlife or about near-death-experiences, but I’m not going there right now. Alive or dead? I’m alive.

I am by all means okay now. I got over Maria, and I got over anti-d withdrawal. Isn’t that cool? I think so!

Being able to remember gives me the gift of hindsight. Hindsight, which is wisdom, is the flip side of trauma. If you choose to remember, which I do, you get the hindsight but you can also feel trauma from all this.

Pain, borne of trauma, is a gift. It is a gift that has given me strength and resilience to get through just about anything.

Remember the nightmare job experience I had working for the cyber school? It hurt like hell, but that, too, is a gift. I wrote an expose on the school and the agency that hired me out as a contract worker. I’m not sure when it will be published. I am waiting to hear back. I’m wondering if maybe they’re waiting for Back to School time. I’m not afraid to mention this because any asshole from that corrupt agency that has decided to read my blog most likely won’t get this far down in the article. I’m boring and all I talk about (nonstop) is antipsych. They don’t understand the link. They don’t have to. My readers will.

Pain is a gift. I broke my ankle on May 20th and the pain, the nature of it and the way it felt, told me the bone was broken. I survived the ER, and actually, given the bill I have now received, I wish I never went to the ER. Had I known, I would have waited through the night and gone to the nearest walk-in clinic. MedExpress would have charged me about $150 and that would have included x-rays and follow-up visits. The ER has charged me almost $300 for the doctor, about $150 for the x-rays, because they insisted on doing a CAT scan, and they charged me $3k for the ER, a “facilities fee” which I think is so bogus that I challenge it. Looks like I can get a fee reduction because legally, they have to offer it. Bet they hate that. While it’s very true that bankruptcy is often caused by medical bills, I wonder if people take advantage of “the system” or even know how.

My experience as MP was a gift (a heavy price to pay, though!) that taught me how to play the system. It taught me how to apply for every “benefit” in existence, simply because I had to do that to get by. Now, I don’t need most of those “benefits” but getting an ER fee waived? that one I’ll take.

In 2015, when I ran out of money, I became homeless, unable to find a habitable place to live that I could afford. I believe my credit score at that time took a dive to 500 or so. It has been almost four years since then. My credit score has been over 700 for a while, and I’ve been employed for well over a year. Actually, since technically as independent contractor, it counts for the full year, it will be two years now come January. And in January, I’ll have the tax records to prove it, which will look great to lenders. It’s hard to believe I’m looking at homes to purchase! I was looking before, I don’t know when it was, and at that time I suspended the search, feeling that I might want to relocate at some point. Now, though, I believe there is an upswing of available online jobs and likely also an increase in jobs in my area.

Certain people in my life are trying to discourage me, also urging me to get health insurance, but at this point I don’t believe it’s in MY best interest to have health insurance. Not having health insurance will protect me later on, because I won’t have coverage for a nursing home. See the motive here? No coverage = Freedom. Freedom of Mind is the most important freedom we have! I’d rather die alone than die in a nursing home.  Even if it hurts. Because pain is a gift.

As for homeownership, I think certain people likely think I’m not capable of homeownership. It means a lot of responsibility. To me, responsibility is a joy, not a hassle. If I have a lot to do to keep up with the maintenance, so be it. It is something I welcome. Pain is a gift, as is hardship.

When I broke my ankle, it felt like it was almost too much. The pain itself was minimal. What felt like too much was the fact that for a while, I couldn’t find a dog walker. I broke my ankle Monday and I was in the ER on Tuesday in the wee hours. Friday I believe was when I found the dog walkers.

These folks were more than awesome. I knew Puzzle was in good hands with them. I also had one of the dog walkers take out my trash, which was a concern since I was not able to do this myself. I paid for two weeks of dog walking, and also, they took Puzzle to get groomed! I’m so happy! They did a perfect job!

I did natural medicine the whole time. On Wednesday I got a foot boot, but was told to keep off of my foot for now. After one week I was able to put weight on my bad foot, but only a little bit. That Friday, nearly two weeks afterward, I went and got more x-rays. They couldn’t even detect the ankle fracture anymore! They said I had sprained my foot, though. I got a cast at that point, which looked more like an Ace bandage but wasn’t. One week after I got the cast, I decided I was done with it. I took it off and was quite thankful because it turned out to be the right decision. (I have casting tape in case I ever need a cast again!).

The cast was just the right thing, although it occurs to me I could have used the ankle brace I had before when I had tendinitis. Gotta laugh…the cure for tendinitis was to stop wearing flip-flops!

I believe I developed something else, secondary to being sedentary now for nearly a month. I think I need to get back to vigorous exercise ASAP.

It started in the shower. I think humid air seems to make it worse, whatever it is, and I suspect it’s pulmonary edema. I feel rather normal most of the time, but something happened in the shower that was truly scary. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like the air wasn’t right, or something inside wasn’t processing the air right. I had to get out of there. Thankfully, I was all done rinsing off anyway. It was scary because not having air IS scary! It didn’t get to the point where I was scared I’d die, but still, I just had to get out of that shower ASAP.

Last weekend I tried walking on the track near my home. It was a truly awesome experience. I wasn’t yet ready to run. I am indeed ready now! I walked two miles then, but it was hard. Then, twice this week, I walked two miles. The first time, on Sunday, I found it tough on my foot. Yesterday I walked to a five-and-dime nearby (really must call by the old-fashioned name…). That time, I had no pain and no difficulty walking!

Today, what happened, and keeps happening, was similar to the shower incident. I was walking up a steep hill and suddenly had to stop and catch my breath, but there was nothing to catch so I just stood there, stood still and waited for my body to recover. It did. Then, that kept happening every time I got to a steep hill. However, I learned that if I go slower, or stop periodically before it gets bad, I do not get that awful feeling that there’s no air. Later, I took Puzzle for a walk and broke into a run. The same thing happened after running a very short segment of a block. Ooops.

I stopped again, waited to recover, then walked a bit and then, decided that all  this happened due to not running all this time. I cannot let the pulmonary edema continue. I am positive that I can run it off.

Last night, also, I kept getting up and feeling like something was wrong. I think I got up ten times, over and over, peeing, trying to poop, trying to do anything that will make this, whatever it is, stop. I also noticed my nose was stuffed up. If that happens again tonight, I have a way (natural medicine, of course) that will unstuff it.

Now there are a lot of people out there who need to know that staying active will keep you alive. Tomorrow, I’m headed to the gym. I’ll run as much as I can but obviously will stop whenever I have that breathing problem.  I have checked out what could cause this and checked out also how to deal with it. I am also consulting my naturopath.

Please, please, please, stay active. You will be thankful later in life if you ever have a health condition (in my case, it’s caused by prescribed drugs!). I am thankful that I am an active person. If you are active you will recover faster and everything in your life will be better.

Now how fast did I recover from a fracture? Today is the 20th of June. One month from date of fracture to running.

This is how I am. Resilient. Give me a challenge, please, and I’ll beat it. If you want me to live forever, have a Western doc tell me every day that I’m about to die. If I really want some serious fun, have that person be an MH professional because they are the most fun of all to defy. Have them tell me I’m in denial and lack insight and I’m about to die if I don’t obey them. I’ll defy that and more.

Do you want resilience in your life? Do you want to bounce back from everything and feel like you are really, really strong? Feel great about being able to make your own decisions and like me, enjoy life’s responsibilities as an honor, not a drudge?

Just stay tuned. I will deliver…and I promise that.





Feedback and comments welcome!