Another one that fell into the rabbit hole

Note: She left Hollywood “on advice from her psychiatrist.” Sound familiar? Clearly it was her choice, too, but still….

I found this flick to move way, way too slowly, and those annoying commercial breaks every minute….those need to be edited out….

I remember her well. I think I saw one of those movies. Little Darlings. I remember noticing how good she was. I am saddened that so many out there believe in “chemical imbalances” when it’s far more likely that this was caused by Hollywood itself.

Check out this beautiful song on YouTube

I found this at random.

Isn’t it beautiful in Yiddish? I think so. I don’t speak Yiddish, but I remember my relatives spoke it when they wanted to talk about something private that they didn’t want the kids to hear. I think my mom understood it but she didn’t speak it, not that I know of. I think also my paternal grandmother, who lived from 1900 to 1995, knew some Yiddish.

Amazing Jewish survival song…why do I think of psychiatric survivors when I hear this?

We will outlive them…

Which I think would be a cool song to sing outside the APA Conference as part of the protest. This year’s slogan is DO NO MORE HARM. Maybe next year, “We will outlive them.”

Hitler’s highest assistants were psychiatrists.

Antisemitism, and just about any form of hatred you can imagine, all these are alive and well in the practice of psychiatry! No more!

Thoughts on the California synagogue shooting and antisemitism as a whole

Jewish leaders were afraid that there would be copycat incidents. I believe their fears were realistic. These shootings reflect an overall feeling of hatred and anger in our society. These shooters are not people living in total isolation. There are others who have influenced their hatred, rage, and racism.

Where does this hatred come from? The group called Bend the Arc states that Trump is partially responsible. They say that he sends hateful remarks up on Twitter. Any leader is also a role model. They have a point here, but I do not totally align with this group because they also claim that “conservatives” are to blame. I think this is way too much of a generalization. There are many causes on the conservative agenda, or what is generally called conservative. While some of it is certainly based in ignorance and racism, this is also true of any political group out there.

Is psychiatry a liberal or conservative agenda? I think both, although a person might view psychiatry differently depending on which side you’re on. For instance, a so-called liberal might think “Health care for all,” and therefore, state that all crazies have the right to “treatment,” when in fact it’s not treatment at all, but suppression of power. A conservative might say, “We have the right to less government control,” but also say, “Except the crazies. They should be properly locked up.”

Anti-gun advocates also are a double-sided coin. While they might say, “Let’s keep the guns off the streets,” they might also say, “Let’s keep the guns  away from mentally ill people because they’re scary and dangerous,” thus pigeonholing diagnosees into a role that they rarely fit into. (We’ll be more scary if you treat us like criminals!)

Gun advocates say about the same thing. “We have the right to guns because we don’t have diagnoses. We are the gun-owning elite.” This is a scary concept indeed! What do they plan to do with these guns? I wonder what one of these folks would say if I asked that question. Some claim that guns “keep us safe.” This is so illogical that ironically, it borders on either psychosis or total fanaticism (about as fanatic as some of those crazy new diets out there…). So who are the crazy ones?

In terms of statistics, if we are to take a realistic view of the gun lobby’s claims, we find they do not hold water. However, I don’t think the gun/crazy policies that even the government touts is doing anyone any favors. “We have to keep guns away from mentally ill people” makes no sense. How about keeping guns from anyone who is ever angry, drunk, or, especially, jealous? How about keeping guns away from anyone who is racist…which doesn’t only mean hatred or non-inclusion of black people, but hatred toward Muslims and Mexicans, and also against anyone deemed to be nuts (who unfortunately had exposure to the MH system, otherwise, they wouldn’t be diagnosed). Does it make sense to keep guns out of Trump’s hands? Think on that one for a bit.

Most therapy IS conversion therapy, whether we realize it or not

Conversion therapy, therapy that attempts to coerce a person to become heterosexual, is banned in only 16 states. This is long overdue since the APA took homosexuality out of their list of mental disorders. I’d like to propose that a lot of therapy is conversion therapy in disguise.

Can we all look back for a minute and recall being told in our therapy sessions, “You feel sad because you have a disease called depression,” or, “You aren’t engaging in therapy because of your depression.” Here, very normal human feelings and behavior such as sadness and disliking therapy is interpreted as a “symptom” of depression. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. What is happening is subtle coercion to get the patient to believe they have a real disease that requires “treatment” that is detectable and can now be used as an excuse.

Looking back, I can recall being told that my dislike of eating disorders treatment (getting locked up and stared at while I do private thing) was “ED speaking.” It wasn’t, of course, as there is no “ED” that I’m secretly married to or who speaks to me. The idea of the personification of ED, to me, is anti-woman and degrading. I am not married to an evil, invisible Devil figure who barks commands at me to do terrible things. I’m not bewitched or possessed. Imagine telling that to a child, that they have an evil spirit inside them that makes them intrinsically bad! Imagine how it feels for the family to be told their child is possessed! This kind of thing belongs in fiction only, not as “healthcare.”

Therapy for ED consists of an attempt to coerce a young, vulnerable person that they have this “ED” inside them. It is indeed conversion therapy given how many unfortunate patients buy into this.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I had a bad night last night with very poor quality sleep. I got up several times due to inability to sleep. I did not have sleep in the first hour or so of the night the way I often do, which is about the only restorative sleep I ever get anyway. I was grumpy yesterday due to MIA comments that thankfully, have been taken down. I am glad I did not respond in any way to the comments (except to alert Steve, the moderator…).

I also felt grumpy because I realized that one of my jobs is not panning out. The pay is just way too low.

I was up at around 2am, puttering around, etc. Sometimes I get out of bed so angry over this long-term insomnia that I feel like I’m going to burst out crying or something. I don’t, mainly because it’ll do no good.

Of course, this immense frustration is not a good place to be. Not for long, anyway. Oddly, I think it was this discomfort that led me to kind a breakthrough in my thinking about kidney health. I’m not sure if I’m right about this yet. I’m still checking it out.

This would be a little more exciting to me if I wasn’t so exhausted to begin with. Maybe I will sleep tonight? I’ve been saying that for eight years now.  Maybe I should just accept that the answer will be no.

Positive stuff that happened over the past couple of days

I decided it is finally warm and summery enough to clean my bedroom rug.  I purchased a mini-vacuum on sale at the supermarket about a week ago and got to work. I vacuumed the entire rug, which isn’t very big but it’s stuck to the floor and is a overall pain in the butt. Then, I shampooed the rug. I have a small machine designed for small spaces, not one of those industrial ones that are just too big and unwieldy.

I am thrilled because I did this successfully and got out all the doggie dander odor. I got out a lot of the stains, too. Then, I washed my big heavy comforter and for the first time ever, got the doggie odor out of that, too. It is currently hanging to dry and is almost finished.

That’s the good stuff that happened. I don’t even want to think about the bad things. I have two jobs right now that are non-jobs. One is teaching, which I’ve been doing for the past two weeks, but the pay is just so low that I am ready to quit. The other is assisting students who are having a difficult time in school. That’s a total nonjob because I am still lacking the access I need to do what I am supposed to do (whatever that is!).  Administration is noncommunicative and when they finally respond, they refer me elsewhere. I had one phone discussion with a tech person and then he sent me some kind of writeup of our discussion that was full of spelling and grammar errors to such extreme that it was laughable. This person had an American accent so I know the “help” isn’t outsourced which would explain the errors. Do they even know what they’re doing? Kids lives and education are at stake here. Is this really a school?

The other very negative thing going on in my life is that I can’t sleep. I am tired of researching like mad, deciding on some miracle supplement that I’m positive will save the day, then, trying it and realizing it doesn’t actually do anything. I’ve tried weed and that, too, doesn’t do anything at all either. Insomnia is wrecking my work life because I’m exhausted and short-tempered.

I can’t believe it’s been eight years now. I still have very little in the way of answers.

Does anyone know where I can get help with this? How do you correct the organ damage that has resulted from irresponsible psychiatry? How can I find out for sure which organ was damaged? I waited an hour on the Breggin show yesterday but it was more like a Dr. Phil show with people calling in asking about how to get off drugs or how to help some relative. I’m very upset because with all callers, Breggin recommended therapy. Does he even realize that most therapists are complete crap?

I wanted to ask him, since he’s an expert on drugs and how they wreck your life, which organ got damaged and how to remedy this. I never had a chance. Then again, if he was going to recommend therapy, I would have been extremely disappointed.

I’ve eliminated a couple of things. It’s not anxiety or depression and it’s not sleep apnea. It’s not “sleep hygiene” and it’s not “too much screen time.” Something very serious is wrong. I want to know what it is.

I’ve heard of pineal gland transplants, but they’ve only done  this to animals. I’d be scared to do it, but really I’m so desperate at this point (which I shouldn’t be admitting) I’ll try anything.

Learning not to get on the defensive

I never had a problem with getting on the defensive until I was traumatized in 2011. After that, since I had endured something that was torture and a threat to my life, I became defensive way too much. I felt attacked a lot of the time, and if I did, I struck back verbally. I hadn’t been like that before. Often when this occurred the person did not have bad intentions at all. Because I had been traumatized I would perceive it as an attack. This harmed many of my friendships, because my friends did not recognize what was going on. (They claimed I was addicted to water and had invented the abuse.)

There were times, though, that people bashed me very badly, especially on Facebook. Some of these things they wrote were likely not intended for my viewing. Some claimed I had “negative energy,” which is about the same as calling a person “character-disordered.” One of my ex-friends wrote that I was “not a person anymore.” They all chimed in, saying I was dangerous and violent. Where did they get that from? They even talked about locking their doors even though I lived thousands of miles away. They said the State should take Puzzle away from me. Yes, it was hurtful.

Should I laugh or cry? I wasn’t sure. Was this comical or sad? I knew their fear of me doing physical harm to them was so irrational that it qualified as delusional. Should I feel sorry for them?

Someone I really cared about wrote me an email (and to drive her point home, also sent a replica via snail mail) saying I was a liar and an addict. She went on and on for a couple of pages saying what a shit she thought I was. She said I should dress like a proper anorexic. Huh? Looking back, I think she was just having a hard time and decided it was all my fault.

For a long time I felt that I could not forgive her. Oddly, I do now.

Another time, someone that was a good friend (so I thought) wrote to me several times, including messaging me on Facebook, using swear words, etc. Again, I suspect she was just having a hard time. We aren’t friends anymore.

One time, maybe a couple of months ago, a customer was abusive to me over the phone, using swear words and insults. I went back and looked at her history and found that every times she’d called us she’d been verbally abusive. Maybe she had been through some really bad trauma in her life. I don’t know. I felt so sorry for her.

Imagine what it’s like to be so angry inside that every time you get on the phone with a customer service person, you get upset and defensive? Actually, my life used to be that way. I knew it was from trauma, and I hated myself for it. I wondered if I’d ever be capable of carrying on a conversation. Now I do not get along with everyone, but I do get along with some people.

Sometimes, people really do attack. But what about perceived attacks? One time, a supervisor doubted my word that there was an error in the company documentation. I was insulted, feeling like she was calling me incompetent. I was right about the error, though. I’m not sure how it was all resolved, or if it ever was. There were a few times I found errors. I don’t understand why she didn’t thank me for finding them. Still, although she wasn’t truly attacking me, I felt that I had to defend myself. I did not.

I have to learn to withhold, to refrain from verbally strike back. It is not a good idea, even though inside, I might want to. I was able to withhold easily when I did customer service. Customers run out of steam. They will stop after a while. Many even apologized. This, I believe is the tactic to take when I am senselessly bashed (not that there’s a right and wrong tactic).

After bashing me over the phone, customers who felt apologetic often turned it all inward. When that happened, I told them we’re all human, that their anger (at our company) was understandable. I was surprised at how often customers apologized for forgetting stuff, such as forgetting they’d made a purchase from us. They’d yell at us for charging them. When they said stuff like “Sorry I wasted your time,” I would say, “That is what we are here for. Anytime you have any questions, don’t hesitate to call us again.”

What’s cool is that I feel sure of myself enough to be able to brush off character-bashing now.  I didn’t have the same confidence when I was in therapy. When someone bashed me I went crying to my therapist. I’m glad there’s no one to go crying to anymore!

Why is it easier to brush off over-the-top bashing, vs. microaggressions? I think when it’s way too much, it’s easier. Why? Because senseless bashing reflects badly on the basher. Worse than it reflects on the bashee. I have learned to walk away and feel very sorry for the person.

When I was a patient I thought that not getting along with another person was a symptom of my own character flaws. Actually, it’s not. Decades ago, one of my fellow patients had not accepted me as a friend. I remember complaining to the staff about feeling rejected. The staff person told me that since the patient had frequent headaches, maybe it was hard for her to converse anyway.

Interestingly, we became friends later on, for about a year, but eventually lost touch. Sometimes it is hard to be friends with married people!

You can’t get along with everyone. There will always be some people that rub you the wrong way! Fact of life. Spend a week on an online dating site and you’ll see many people you’d rather not get to know any better! They’re not bad people, but maybe just not your type. See my point?

Now that I have six years’ distance on the trauma, and the second trauma (abuse in Mount Auburn Hospital), I’m wondering if maybe next time I get too much on the defensive, I should find some way of explaining myself without using disease terms. “It is something I’m working on,” might be appropriate. I don’t want to excuse bad behavior, but to help the person understand why I acted badly. If I lash out, maybe I’m just lashing out at “them.” “Staff.” Because there’s actually nowhere to go with this. I have to let it dissipate on its own. Because it will.