I’m not depressed. I’m changing my life!

Sorry to say, I’m not depressed. I might feel like it, but actually, I’m not. I’m at a point of decision, and in my mind, trying out various possibilities. I have applied to about 10 jobs right now. I don’t know if any of them will pan out, but some seem hopeful. A little bit, anyway.

I’m designing a class on the Udemy platform. Udemy is full of amateurs, of course, but people do use the platform to make a name for themselves and in my opinion, this would be a great way to publicize my book. The classes are cheap and some are very good. Some are free. Usually the free classes are teasers in preparation for starting to charge money. This makes more sense than overpricing….as a matter of fact, overpricing anything.

Is it really teaching experience? Not really. It’s not classroom experience. I’ve been looking into ways to gain more classroom experience so at least that can look nice on my resume. I’m even considering a temporary internship-type job, even volunteer. A lot of these internships pay $10 an hour, but they’re only open to students. I cannot even pass as one anymore.

Even doing free classes would make me very very happy! Even if I earned very little. I can afford to slack off some since I have some money saved up. I cannot let the kitty run low, though.

Now what is cool is that no one is teaching the class I am planning. You won’t find it anywhere else.

(Funny, that “life coach” asked me if my book was unique…I refused to tell him what it was about, but I am sure there aren’t any books about getting out of the MH system and also beating kidney disease from lithium…No way was I going to say that….)

Rather than giving specific instructions, I have the class do exercises to discover the best route out. We didn’t all get there the same way, after all.

Me, at a conference

All this happened a while back but I keep remembering certain isolated incidents and laugh over them.

This must have been Fall 2017. I was at a conference where there were a bunch of activists. Some were patients and some were psychologists or other type of doctor.

The first thing I saw was a group of doctors standing around joking. I had already tried to say hello to them and they had ignored me like I wasn’t there. They kept congregating around one doctor who was telling jokes. They then told him, “Why don’t you write a book? Have you thought about that?”

I wanted to cry over the irony of the moment. Or laugh.

Yes, I write…but who really cares anyway? I did not say that, of course, but I thought it.

There was this activist there, a couple of them, that I said hello to or waved to, expecting at least a hello. Nothing. One of them repeatedly walked past me without even a nod or a smile. This affected me profoundly. Why did that happen? Maybe I’m invisible, I thought.

Then, someone introduced herself to me and said she had always wanted to meet me. I don’t think she really knew that this one gesture, a gesture of kindness and recognition, made the entire conference worthwhile.  A few others said hello, which I really appreciated. Do people even realize how important it is to recognize a person’s existence?

Decades ago I was with some other college students. Rolf Smedvig of the Boston Symphony Orchestra gave us a presentation. Afterward, we all went up to him for the purpose of asking questions. Rolf then deliberately embarrassed me. I never heard the end of it from my classmates, either.

People in high places have a huge effect on those around them. Ever go meet a rock star or sports star and have that person treat you like shit? Then you know. Did another person extend kindness to you? Bet you remember and cherish that moment.

I could do an entire speech, or possibly comedy act, on that Rolf Smedvig moment. I love being able to remember stuff that anyone else might have forgotten, and then, recreate that moment in words. I wish this skill was marketable! I’d be making a fortune.

Truth is, I am very bummed

I think that seeing the sleep person was a bad idea. I have thought about it and assessed the past two weeks and realized that the changes he suggested did not result in anything positive. I am sleeping far worse. In fact, sleep suddenly became an issue again. I didn’t want it to turn into that. I have become very negative due to lack of sleep. i have fallen asleep at work and had to stop due to extreme fatigue. Thankfully, my bosses (whoever the heck they are) did not find out. I faked it, said I had connection issues, but of course that wasn’t true.

I feel that eventually they will catch me at slacking off. I am hoping to find a job I actually like to replace this one before I am canned. This job is all copying and pasting, nothing original, nothing that really requires brains. I would love to say I liked retail better, but I did not like the repeated threats and demands to keep up with their impossible “metrics.”

People talk about VIPKID, but do I really want to waste my time talking baby talk to little kids? Probably not. And the thought of stuffed animals…ick. Bad memories! I have not applied.

I am definitely frustrated, but likely that will end when something truly decent comes along. I really need to stop settling for just anything that comes my way. I need to be more picky.

Honestly, I’d rather write all day and not do anything else. My book is coming along very well, maybe I need to do that more hours per week. Maybe I can quit this irrelevant employment and spend all my time writing, and live off of savings for a while. I’m seriously considering it. Maybe I can get a really big loan to pay for living expenses, then, live the way I want to. Wouldn’t that be nice? I figure I can likely do that in about six months.

Recent experiences with life coaches

Let’s call them #1, #2, #3, #4, and so on.

The first one I called was a business coach. Of all of them, he was the only one I felt comfortable with. He wanted to refer me to another coach but I have yet to find someone suitable. From what I recall, he told me by all means I didn’t belong in a call center! Of course, this is true. He said I had a pessimistic outlook and that I needed to work on that. And that’s about how we left it.

#2….I wrote to her, told her barely anything except “career,” and she concluded that I wasn’t rich enough for her. What? My emails were not lined in gold? Here is one of the emails I sent to her:

“I am kind of picky about the person’s philosophy. My main concern is human rights. I belong to numerous human rights organizations. I am tuned in to certain social situations such as racism, assaults on religious freedom, etc. I will not tolerate any pushing of various beliefs and practices. So I have avoided life coaching, therapy, etc. I did enjoy personal training at the gym, though.”

Interestingly, from this, she derived that I must not be rich enough for her. Either that or she didn’t want a human rights activist as a client.

#3. I contacted a life coach at random. He did not seem very experienced, unfortunately. I had the sense that he was just starting out. I did not ask, but there were little clues along the way. I am not sure if coaches are supposed to do this but toward the end he started kinda boasting about his job, his other job, that is. I said nothing, just said I would be in touch. I won’t.

#4. This one I called out of the blue. He actually picked up and immediately dove into a life coaching session. I was impressed at first, but then, realized that all he was doing was insulting me (and I’m supposed to then shape up, right?).  Not very inspiring. He said I was “negative.” Funny, I suspect he was projecting! Life coaching isn’t supposed to be negative, dude! At one point he said, “You choose how you react to people.” I took his advice and decided I wasn’t going to take him seriously anymore. I didn’t want to keep letting him manipulate me because he was making me feel rotten. I kept telling myself if I were to see him for ten sessions I’d be ready to jump off a building. I was dying to get off the phone and we’d been on for about an hour and a half. I finally shut down totally and only said “yes” or “thank you” to anything he said.. Good riddance…..

Obviously, I don’t need a life coach that badly that I would settle for any of these folks, except the first one who said he wasn’t right for me. My experience is likely typical. How about you?

This is what I should do….

I need to be in business for myself. This is really the only thing I can do that would be boss-free. I have tried many times to do this but I get stuck with the marketing part. For this reason, I need to hire someone to do the marketing. Pay them money to get the project off the ground. I am so tired of the blaming and shaming of people who dislike selling. I didn’t go to college to be a salesperson, and I don’t have to like selling stuff to be a decent human being. Refusal to do this myself, or sucking at it isn’t a moral weakness. How well you sell to others certainly isn’t a measure of quality of your character. This basic false assumption has been hanging around for a while. It is time for us to drop that, don’t you think?

This is a real disease, folks, and it is scary

I saw this in The Atlantic:


It is measurable, detectable, and clearly caused by fungus.

This is really scary.

In Uruguay we had singing frogs. They were so cool. You have never heard anything like it. Now that would be sad if the frog population were to be wiped out. Losing a species affects us all.

The science behind this is scary, too. We think nothing of international trade. Think again. A lot of the produce we buy in the supermarket is imported. Not that imports are bad, but think about the possible consequences.

A lot of fish is imported. That seems risky to me. Certain fruits, occasionally veggies, figs, grapefruit. A lot of contaminated foods come from right here in the USA. The mass distribution magnifies the risk. Maybe it is time to grow our own.

Young people having less sex….could antidepressants be the cause?

Here is the article in the Washington Post:


Note: The shocking drop is among people 20 to 29, especially men.

While correlation doesn’t mean causation, I am wondering…could antidepressants be the cause? Maybe someone like David Healy, who collects this sort of data in a database, might have an answer.

Every day is a breakthough. Here’s what I figured out today

I am a member of a forum on elder issues. I rarely contribute. I just read it.

Today in my email I saw a person posting about getting sick of hearing about elderly issues. I figured he was going to say he was sick of the forum. But that’s not what he said.

He said all his mother talks about is peeing and pooping. She talks about her health issues, complains about hearing loss, etc. At first I saw this as an ageist remark.

Then I suddenly realized that if you want to live longer or not suffer when you  are older, don’t talk about those things! Making a poop shouldn’t be your major accomplishment of the day. It’s not an accomplishment and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

That said, what one person thinks of as an accomplishment another might feel is a deficit. Also, it is insulting to tell a person that what they are wicked proud of isn’t an accomplishment. I can think this, but I would not tell a person this (having been similarly insulted in the past).

Here is an example. You might feel great because you just wrote 3,000 words. Another person tells you it’s not an accomplishment because you didn’t make money doing it. Is this a clash of values?

Once I was in a restaurant with some gals I didn’t see very often. One gal spent a good 30 minutes loudly discussing the gory details of childbearing. It was bad enough, but people at other tables heard this. I sat there embarrassed out of my mind! This must have been 2010 or so. I wanted to change the topic. I didn’t know what to say to stop her that wouldn’t be rude.

Don’t talk about constipation at the dinner table. Plain and simple. Don’t talk about the gory details of a medical procedure, either.

You can, however, discuss it next time you do a stand-up comedy routine. This is the place to be vulgar. The shock value alone will give you some laughs if you timing is right.

All this got me thinking about why on earth I do not fit the “elderly stereotype.”

If you don’t want to feel like an elder, don’t talk like one, and don’t act like one. In brief, BE IMMATURE!

No, you don’t have to get your nose pierced…….


Very upsetting YouTube, likely due to differing cultural values

I am not going to link to the YouTube. Maybe you have seen it. This couple had a stillborn child and made a YouTube about it.

I did not appreciate seeing this woman’s bare pregnant belly over and over. I found it distasteful.

Then, to make things worse, they showed off the picture of the dead baby. This, to me, is in very poor taste. You might feel better holding the baby, even though he was dead, but please don’t try to win popularity brownie points by exploiting him.

I didn’t comment on the YouTube. I didn’t think putting my opinion in there would be helpful or productive. However, I have right not to like what they did. I have a right to withhold my opinion. But I still have a right to an opinion or visceral reaction.

“Medication complications,” eh?

Are we surprised at this?


The number of foster kids put on anti-p drugs is staggering. These drugs are used for behavior control, not psychosis. Go check out the facts on this if you doubt what I am saying.