This is as much an update on me as it is on Puzzle, but I titled it “Puzzle update” to shoo away the jerks that hang around here looking to be cruel just for the sake of cruelty.
I went to bed last night in a not-too-good place. I was seething as usual over the job search, pissed at myself for putting in two more job applications. I am pissed because I have promised I will quit. Promised myself I will quit because it is totally fruitless.
Which is worse, I ask. Fruitless job-hunting, which is turning up with nothing, or starting a home business that flops?
Job-hunting is like the lottery. I am tired of buying lottery tickets hoping one will be a winner. Each time I put in an application, it’s an exhausting waste of the precious time I have left. Total waste. It’s like I am throwing money away. But in my case, throwing time and energy out the window.
While it’s true that occasionally with the lottery, you do break even, the odds are that if you continue to purchase lottery tix, you will LOSE. You might be deluded into thinking you are gaining, but no, you are losing money. It’s going to the state lottery fund. However the state is using that money, you’re likely paying into what is essentially charity, but sadly, you’re doing it based not on your charitable donation, but on your own desperate sense of greed.
I put in these applications based on a very slim chance. A very slim chance that this is the one company that doesn’t discriminate. That they will overlook the squinting. Or will hire based on a phone interview. What am I supposed to do? Pray? Send in a pic of someone else?
I gotta laugh. For that company that wanted a pic, I should have sent in a pic of myself at 23.
So that’s how I felt when I went to bed. I think I somewhat slept okay. Better than usual. Puzzle did, too. She didn’t go sneaking out of bed to pee on the floor. She was still sleeping this morning and I had to wake her to take her out.
Puzzle is also losing her hearing. She hears selectively. She hears food. Always. She comes running whenever she hears me open the freezer or thinks she hears me preparing food. But yesterday she missed the mailman completely. I heard him come, a very distinct sound, but she did not even move her head nor wiggle her ears. Sometimes she doesn’t hear me calling her. I need to realize this and figure out how to call her in an audible way without shouting. Which would be better, a higher or lower-pitched “Puzzle!”
She can indeed hear me talking on the phone. She hears who is on the phone, that is, she can hear the other person. Sometimes she gets very excited over certain sounds she hears and I have trouble keeping her from jumping on the phone cord and disconnecting the call.
When I practice speeches she gets excited during the exciting parts. She has even barked, rather appropriately, when I reach the climax of a speech. Another thing I have noticed is that when I read an article on animal abuse I react in an emotional way. I don’t react out loud, but I feel strong emotions as I read. Puzzle barks or wiggles around in reaction to my strong feelings!
I worry about her a lot. The sores on her that she had are healing just fine and she does not have to wear a cone anymore. But she is showing signs of getting to be older.
I cannot possibly explain to a younger person what it is like to feel like you cannot waste time nor energy because you do not have that time and energy left. I feel likewise about my time with Puzzle, that it is so precious, that I cannot take it for granted, that she has been this amazing blessing in my life.