If anyone were to ask me what it is like to wake up in the morning, I wouldn’t be able to answer. I don’t wake up in the morning. I wake up around midnight and the rest of the wee hours, I spend seething in anger and have an increasingly terrible headache until it is on the verge of a migraine while my bladder gets more and more filled up but I don’t want to get out of bed as it is FREEZING…..and at that point, I get out of bed and within minutes, the headache and anger are all gone. This is my morning. I don’t wake up. I “wake up.” I fake wake up. I am already awake and pissed. Pissed that I can’t get a job. Pissed that the chemicals I take at night to get to sleep, which are all I can obtain, only keep me asleep an hour or two each night due to damage from prescribed psychiatric drugs I dutifully took years ago for decades thinking they were curative. Pissed that any prospective employer takes one look and turns away, not even considering that an older person might be far more capable than he expects. Pissed that a younger person shows some tits and ass and gets hired, and I refuse to do that. I don’t want to be hired based on selling my body for sex or sex appeal. I didn’t come into this world to be sold.
Daytime isn’t like that at all. I feel decent these days. I have plenty of energy and I feel positive during the day. It is hard to get out of bed in the morning, though, when I just don’t feel like it. I think of all the refusals, all the closed minds, all the employers that never even bothered to contact me and tell me I wasn’t hired. Not even that. The Keep You Hanging Method because they just don’t have the balls to inform me.
YES IT DOES MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU. It matters when you have applications out there. The one thing that matters is what that employer thinks. Anyone who tells me to stop caring what others think…I wonder if they’ve applied for jobs lately! Go apply, and go to an interview and tell me you had no consideration for the thoughts that might be going through that employer’s mind right then. You cannot control other’s thoughts, but if you want a job, you’d sure as hell better impress the dudes, or do what you think impresses them.
Another time you might care about what others think is at a commitment hearing. THE NEXT SIX MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE ARE ON THE LINE! You’d better impress them, if you can. And in those ten minutes that you have a pinprick of a chance before a judge to convince him or her of your sanity, you are seriously going to care about exactly what is in his mind, (and maybe, too, care about how much he’s being paid off and by whom, since I hear that is also rampant in the courts). Don’t tell me it doesn’t matter, when I know darned well it does.
Every morning since January has been like this. “Waking up” feeling pissed off for hours and hours awake and seething and wishing I were as valued by others as I see the value in myself. I hate it and it doesn’t make getting up very easy to do. I thank Puzzle every day for giving me incentive to get up so the headache ends and I start my day.