Thoughts on losing a friend

I think about losing friends much differently than I did five or six years ago. I think about how I lose them, and the way they end it. I ask myself about the common denominators. Maybe there’s some comfort in it that I can share with you all.

I bet just about everyone out there has, at one point or another, broken up a friendship somehow. Either you did it, or the other person did, or it was mutual. Sometimes, distance divides people, or people’s schedules change or marriage makes it inconvenient to see each other. Time changes many things. Sometimes a person changes their religion and that makes a friendship seem less meaningful, because it’s like the two of you are now speaking a different language. Even a dietary change can jolt a friendship. You can’t go out to eat at that steakhouse anymore. Or one person sobers up.

Sometimes, though, it’s far more complicated. Have you ever gotten that scathing email and wondered why? Have you ever been left hanging…for months, and finally just dropped it? Have you ever simply not heard from a person ever again? Has someone ever gotten mad at you over something trivial and then, not even allowed  you to say you’re sorry? Were you ever scapegoated for something that wasn’t even your fault?

Yes, it’s complicated. I’ve come to a conclusion about that scathing email that comes out of the blue. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.

Of course not. If it comes out of the blue, how could you be?

I’ve concluded that if a scathing email comes out of the blue, the person wanted to end the friendship. Period.

Okay, so you might be asking why. I invented one, not having a reason, but just listen to this one and tell me how it sounds. The person is unhappy. The person deeply dislikes him/herself. Are you okay with that so far?

Now, the person sees the very same thing he/she loathes in him/herself mirrored in you. So that same thing that he/she hates so, so much is sitting right there in you. Oh boy, you’re gonna get nailed now! You’re gonna get purged. So this is why you’ve just been attacked. He/she wants to eradicate that part. Kill it. Get rid of it! Stamp it out!

So that person is so, so self-loathing that he/she has to do this. This explains the scathing email you just got. Whether you dismiss it, shrug it off, cry, or laugh, I suppose doesn’t matter. To your friend, you’re gone.

But really, life goes on.  I think it’s a lot easier to think of lost friendships when framed this way, when realizing you’re not to blame, that you’re just an object here, not the subject in your friend’s life. You are the subject in your own life. Now, go live.

Things I am grateful for

I used to live with the daily sound of blasting television sets and I don’t have to live like that anymore.

I used to hear screaming neighbors who never stopped fighting with each other and I don’t have to put up with that either.

There was a time in my life when I woke up to the sound, “GROUP! Hurry up and get to group!” treated like we were kindergarten kids and thank god that’s over.

There were the flashlights in the night like I was a dangerous monster. I’m not. What a fucking insult.

I am thankful I don’t have to put up with pounding footsteps on the ceiling that made me feel like tearing my hair out.

I’m thankful I don’t have to put up with daily, LOUD bingo games. (People who are deaf need to live in that entire second floor there…)

Every time I turn on my hot water, I am grateful that it turns HOT, and I am so glad I control it. I control the heat. I decide.

I’m no longer being monitored by the landlord’s computer. Thank God!!! Geez, like was HORRIBLE! Like we were criminals…….

My carbon monoxide detector doesn’t beep because the batteries don’t need changing. If they do, I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to change them.

I talk about that a lot. Responsibility. Being supervised is an insult and a privacy invasion.  While we know we aren’t kindergarten kids anymore, many want it both ways. But it can’t be both ways. If you don’t want to be supervised you have to take responsibility.

Unfortunately, since we have been treated like patients too long, we never learned to act like the adults we are. We were insulted too long. We were sent the very clear message: YOU CAN’T. This is an outright lie we need to throw off somehow.

How are we sent the message? We are sent this message in various ways. The penal system sends us the message that we aren’t capable of living freely in society. We need to be locked up, it says. The mental system tells us we need lockup, supervision, and drugs. Often marriage tells us we need a partner, supervision, sex, slavery, and a financial arrangement. Marriage also, for many, provides a built-in transit system and instant child care, a housing arrangement, and inheritance.  From what I recall an awful lot of people did it because they couldn’t get by financially any other way. Why does that sound like a  negative message to me? “You can’t live without me.”

Today I am thankful I am single. I am thankful I’m not in the mental system anymore.

I many ways, I kinda miss all the friends I have lost. Only with a great sense of irony. It is sad knowing that as life goes by I will only lose more. That’s how life is. Humans aren’t perfect and you cannot expect them to be perfectly faithful. That, in my opinion, is an unreasonable demand.

I’m awfully glad I have my dog Puzzle who has been with me this entire time. She came into my life in 2006 when I first me her as a tiny puppy but I actually brought her home in 2007 the day after my birthday. I am even thankful that she amuses me with her recently learned “naughty” habit of raiding the trash. Puzzle recently figured out I don’t see well, so she even TRIES to do it while I am looking! I am so amused by this, and thankful to be laughing over it. I don’t even get mad at her. I either cover the trash, which prevents her from raiding it, or I sprinkle the top with cayenne pepper, which  makes the experience unpleasant for her.

I am mostly thankful for my ability to laugh. I laugh when Puzzle snores out of the blue. I laugh when I make a mistake. I laughed yesterday when I walked about an hour to get to a soup kitchen that’s listed in several places online but apparently doesn’t exist. I got to the location and clearly the list I had located was outdated. It was raining out and all I could do a was shrug and go home. I was happy I have a home to go to, when so many people do not.

Happy Thanksgiving.

A little adventure

I was about to walk Puzzle this morning when I noticed my knee was out of joint. Seriously, I felt like I couldn’t walk on it. I thought this was odd because it has never happened before and I hadn’t fallen recently. I had already showered. I laughed because I knew if I dared put this in my blog a bunch of you will totally catastophize and diagnose me online with every malady in the book.I think diagnosing online is a way for powerless people to feel more powerful. It gives them a false sense of control over someone they have no control over and probably have never met and know very little about. “Oh  my god, you’re going to have a heart attack!” How many times have we heard this before. And yet, they don’t even know our circumstances, most likely never picked up the phone and spoke with us, and aren’t holding a stethoscope to our chests. “You’ll have a stroke!” Really? Aren’t you tired of this kind of thing? I get the feeling these online diagosers do this because they cannot control their own lives so they overreach and try to manipulate others…badly.

Now I’m all ready for the diagnoses. “You must have loose joints!” This from someone who never met me. I don’t have “loose joints.” “You better go to the emergency room right away.” Really? I’m not in the mood for abuse and I don’t want taxpayer money wasted.

Know what I did? How about COMMON SENSE? I figured I slept on it a bit awkwardly. Have you ever done that and woken up with something aching a little? Bet you have. So I put on my thinking cap (I still have one) and thought about the situation.

It thought about how it felt. Like the kneecap was going out of place a little bit, not a lot. That, I know, can  happen for no real reason and even if there’s no injury. It can happen out of the blue and even to athletes. What you have to do is to prevent it from doing that habitually, because if that happens, you get a “tracking” problem that ends up painful and can cause further injury.

I was misdiagnosed with a tracking problem ages ago, so I had already researched the problem. Wow that must have been well over a decade ago when I was helpless and doctor-dependent. As I figure, this has just started and can be easily fixed and stopped right now and won’t become a problem.

I wrapped my knee before walking Puzzle so the kneecap won’t go out of place. I didn’t feel that painful popping feeling and Puzzle didn’t want to stay out long because it was pouring out. From what I can tell, wrapping it will keep the kneecap from straying, at least for the next few hours. A brace would be better but I do not have one, and those braces are extremely costly. Last time I had a brace I paid fortune and only needed it for a week. After that I donated it to charity.

Please don’t catastrophize. I hate that. I’ll be fine by afternoon.

Mammograms: An analogy

Some folks are not capable of thinking critically. If you aren’t, then maybe disregard this post. For those of you capable of thinking in metaphor, then maybe this post will be useful.

Do mammograms cure breast cancer? Does having a yearly mammogram prevent breast cancer in any way? Do you realize how many women think illogically this way, assuming they are safe from the dreaded C word simply by having a yearly mammo and following their doctor’s directions like a slave?

Now think about this one….If you don’t have a mammogram, will it cause breast cancer? Does it put you at more risk for breast cancer? Think about how many women assume they’re at more risk if they’ve skipped the mammogram. Wow, we live in a doctor-worshiping slave society.

Now what about those naturopaths that tell you not to bother with the mammogram. What about the threats they get and the claims that they are dangerous? Are they? Does a naturopath actually CAUSE breast cancer? I know there’s such thing as technology that can induce breast cancer in lab rats but I doubt most naturopaths have the technology on hand to do that.

Now think about the claims that I am dangerous by blogging about the things I blog about. I have said here that I stopped seeing psychiatrists and stopped seeing therapists and lo and behold, GOT BETTER. I have been told that “Ooooh, you can’t say that because you’ll discourage people from seeking treatment.” Honestly, that’s true, I will, but I hate to see someone’s life ruined, or shortened by psychiatric drugging, or convinced for years or decades they have a PERMANENT and hopeless defect they don’t even have. I’d give my life to prevent another person from being coerced onto a lifetime of DIS-ABILITY. I’d hate to see someone traumatized by abuse in a facility. In fact I’d love to prevent another person’s family from being split apart due to incompetent medical care. I’d love to stop another person from being polypharmed nearly to death.

I’d love to see all of you have a great life. So yes, I want to see no one spend the holidays LOCKED UP. I don’t want anyone’s rights taken away. I’d love to see all of you retain your freedom, human rights, and dignity.

If anyone out there can find one thread of dangerousness in that, come arrest me. But sorry, you can’t do it without a warrant. The claims are about as unfounded as the claim that skipping a mammogram will cause breast cancer.

Know what else I’ve been accused of? Breaking up other people’s marriages when I hadn’t even met the spouse. Isn’t that magical thinking? I’m not that powerful. Get over it, please. If you’re an adult then take responsibility for your life and quit blaming me for your addictions and your broken marriages. I can’t believe that happened, but it was all a long time ago. I realize how illogical it all was and I probably should have said so instead of taking the blows. Has that ever happened to you?

I’m very tired of being called dangerous when I am not. I’m sick of the accusations of violence when I’m not violent nor do I have a violent history. A long time ago it said in my records, “History of multiple suicide attempts” which certainly was never true.  Oh, how the lies get spread and multiply.

When they really want to silence you, they’ll do anything I suppose.

The only trigger warning I give (but only when I remember to do so)

The only trigger warning you’ll ever see here is a “vegan trigger warning” when I mention the food I give to Puzzle, and…only when i feel like it. I don’t give trigger warnings for peanut allergies when I mention Charlie Brown. Hey, Lucy, the doctor is in! I don’t give Christianity warnings if I say the occasional “geez” or complain about the Christmas Carols blasted on the street corner. Do I give gluten warnings if I mention wheat? nope. I make rape analogies all the time with no apology to anyone. Still, if I talk about Puzzle’s meals, I do feel a little tinge of guilt and leave a trigger warning to my vegan pals. Oh, for the heck of it. Now, time to feed the dog!

The Day God Took the Sun Down

One day, God, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the human beings He had created were so far gone astray that He would punish them by taking down the sun. God was disappointed with Humankind because humans had created psychiatry, which had divided the species into the disordered and the non-disordered, the sick and those that treat the sick. God was terribly displeased. He was angry. So he took down the sun from the sky.

You, my children,  are divided amongst yourselves.” God said. “You are not worthy of the sun.” Now, only the animals such as the dogs and cats and birds could enjoy the sunlight. Humans, who had been ignorant followers of the False God called psychiatry could no longer enjoy the sun.

And so, it was dark on the earth. Many days and nights, it was only night. It was only dark and dismal and sad. People mourned and cried. “What have we done to displease the god that made us?” they cried. They became depressed and sad.

Some went running to the False God, psychiatry, begging for pills. The psychiatrists handed out many pills, Prozac, Luvox, Risperdal, Lexapro, Klonopin, Celexa, and of course, Ritalin and Opiates galore. But did this bring back the sun? Alas, no. The planet was cold and dark and sad. Never mind people’s heating bills that only got higher and higher every week.

The governments began to worry about the fuel supply and top executives began to panic. But then psychiatry reminded these executives that the drugs would soon kill off most of the population. “Oh, then give them even more!” cried these leaders, concerned about the economy and their own personal welfare. “We need to reduce the population. More and more drugs! Let them worship these drugs!”

So new churches were now set up. The Church of Lexapro. The Church of Prozac. These churches competed against each other for membership within the community. “We welcome everyone.” “No one is left behind in the Church of Ritalin.” Each church passed out the assigned pill for weekly communion, which members took dutifully. More religious churches had daily communion and the people flocked to the churches claiming they’d been “saved.”

Did this then bring the sun back? No. The planet was dark and gloomy as ever. Dark and dismal and completely in the dark. At this point everyone was on drugs.

God was very very pissed off.

And yet, the dogs and cats of the world were happily enjoying sunlight and even howling nightly and the bright bright moon. How was that?

One day, a rebellious high school kid decided to disobey his doctor, which, by the way, isn’t illegal. Yes, that’s right, it’s not illegal to disobey your doctor nor is it illegal to not follow his or her advice. It’s not illegal to stop seeing one either. It’s not illegal to question what a doctor says, nor illegal to tell a doctor you don’t want to see him or her anymore. Yet people obey like robotic slaves, don’t they? While it isn’t legal to encourage illegal activity, it’s NOT illegal for me to say to you, “Maybe you should question your doctor.”  It’s not illegal to refuse medical care nor encourage a person to turn it down. In fact, using my freedom of speech this way isn’t actually doing anything wrong, is it?

I encourage noncompliance. Why? Noncomplaince happened to save my life. I wish I had been noncompliant sooner.

What happened on that dark, dark planet?? One lone high school kid who happened to be rebellious decided to ditch the phony medical care. He decided to say NO MORE.

And then another kid turned down the pills. And then, an entire circle of friends got sober. And then, they told their parents, who liked the idea and they, too, sobered up. They held a town meeting where the town council decided to encourage other people to ditch the pills. Soon, it became a Movement. They called it Human Rights.Freedom from doctors.

People began to live, and see the light. At first it was only a dim flicker but then, a roar.

The Sun Rose Again.

The Alone on Thanksgiving Project

Whoever reads this please tell me what you think. Are you tired of the blaming and shaming of people who end up alone on Thanksgiving? Are you tired of being told, “Oh you’re alone, it must mean you’re ungrateful!” Are you tired of being told, “If you have no friends, it means you aren’t being a good friend.” Are you tired of being told, “It means you owe it to yourself to volunteer in a soup kitchen.”Are you tired of being told, “You surely did something to deserve this.”

If you have heard the above uneducated, ignorant, illogical lies, then you are not alone! I am thinking of collecting stories of people who are alone on this absolutely dreaded holiday. I think our stories need to be heard to educate the public. We aren’t criminals, we didn’t do it to ourselves, we aren’t ungrateful, we aren’t sinners, we aren’t any different from anyone else.

People who are alone on Thanksgiving actually save money!  We don’t have to go through the awkwardness and we don’t have to deal with leftover turkey forever and ever. No turkey omelets, no unwanted football games, no awkward drunks after dinner, either. No spills on the white tablecloth, no family arguments. So yes, we are very very grateful.

Yesterday I bought a big bag of bulk chicken for Puzzle, a ten pound bag for about $8. Screw Thanksgiving, we made out just fine and Her Highness is thrilled.

So where am I going to find people willing to tell their stories on the radio? Maybe if I just taped these stories, you know, used a tape recorder and went out on the streets on the holiday and found random people willing to tell their stories either anonymously or with a name attached. Maybe if I went to a soup kitchen and talked to the other people there. This would be to honor those alone, an act of love, to bring understanding and to end the blaming and shaming.

Again, the goal of the program would be to bust the myth that people who are alone on the holiday are somehow to blame (or to be pitied) for their situation. Or that somehow, it should be “fixed” and is a disorder, a defect within ourselves. when in fact, it is a circumstance.

The argument for carbs at bedtimie

They say not to eat at night. This is unfounded nonsense. Eating past 5pm  or past 7pm, whatever arbitrary time the gurus set is total nonsense. Here is why they say that….

The reason for these claims is that MOST people who binge eat do so at night. When people binge eat, what sets them off is food. So if they don’t eat at all, they won’t be set off. So out of total fear, almost paranoia, they think not eating at all will prevent a binge.. So they just don’t eat at night thinking that will avoid the dreaded binge. Actually I used to live my life like that, totally scared of the next binge. But do you want to live scared like that, or do you want to live?

These strict rules about not eating after a certain hour aren’t the Law of the Land, and have nothing to do with “getting fat.” They are really fear-driven but no one wants to admit to that.

Actually, if you go to bed hungry you won’t sleep as well, and folks don’t want to admit to that, either.

What I have found out is that eating “carbs” at night will help you get a better night’s sleep. Eating anything else will probably interfere with sleep. For instance, protein or something with high fat can’t easily be digested. You have to be very nice to your digestion because while  you are asleep it doesn’t want to work very hard. If it does, it’ll wake you up. You don’t want that! And if you go to bed with an empty stomach you also won’t sleep. Eating beans or peanuts too late in the day makes me miserable all night long.

So this is what I have found out. Obviously all those years I gorged myself before bed kept me up all night, but that’s in the past now. I am sad that I suffered from that for so many years and psychiatry and therapy had no answers.  I was so stupid to keep going to them. even though I knew damn well they were totally clueless. But we live in a doctor-worshiping society.

Nowadays, I don’t eat a huge dinner right before bed because I am sure that will keep me up.  However, I usually make sure I don’t go to bed hungry. Very simple carbs are the best. And not a lot. Something like hot cereal such as oatmeal or white rice is ideal. Or, I suppose, crackers but I can’t eat them because almost all of them are salty. Or a piece of bread, but plain bread, not fiber kind or you might have trouble digesting it while you are trying to sleep.  I’m still experimenting.

2pm radio broadcast

I have put this off long enough. At 2pm, coming up, I am going to replicate the speech I did at Toastmasters last Thursday night. I am doing this live, with no editing. You can call in to listen, or listen via the web but I will not be taking callers during the broadcast. I think I’ll be broadcasting for only about ten minutes. I will also be including brief announcements.