What if the Walmart cashier fell asleep on the job?

I have to laugh. If a Walmart worker sleeps on the job, he/she will be fired very quickly. Yet people who work with mental patients sleep on the job, or, cannot seem to stay awake. Have I ever seen one fired for this?

I have reported night shift workers at McLean who deliberately slept for the entire shift. I am not the only one who was aware of this. In fact, any patient who was still up when night shift came on saw their preparation for the night’s snooze.

One even brought pillows and blankets so she would be more cozy in the chairs she used. Her usual way of “working” was to line up two chairs, then, arrange the pillows and sleep all night.

The others didn’t sleep the whole night, but I caught them sleeping a number of times.

The one in charge, who wasn’t that same female worker who slept deliberately, ruled with an iron hand. “No leaving  your room.” He shooed us back into our rooms as soon as he saw us. I finally explained I had to go to the bathroom and he let me. Then, I ran out of drinking water in my sip bottle and went to get more. He said I wasn’t allowed to get water. “Not until 6.” I filed a human rights complaint and believe it or not they agreed with me and said they’d talk to the head nurse.

He was nicer after that, but they still slept, and that same woman slept the same way as usual.

But….I was delusional that all this happened, right? Believe it or not, although this is commonly known among US, I was told by my psychiatrist later that “this isn’t possible.” Being discredited like that was common back in those days. Denying anything I say was the norm. Unfortunately I still hear that from a few people. They use my past dx to deny anything I say. By default. Couldn’t be. Overreacting. Alarmist. “Maybe you are just under stress.” Aren’t these words really saying the same thing? “You’re nuts and I don’t believe you.”

Why does a MH worker get away with sleeping and a Walmart worker surely won’t. Okay, on your break take a cat nap but these McLean workers had their break all night long. Who witnessed? Crazy people.

It gets worse. In my long history I had two therapists who couldn’t seem to stay awake during our sessions. I didn’t get much done with either, I admit. Both fell asleep in every session, not just once. Elsa Ronningstam slept for a good ten minutes at a time and I was too polite to wake her. I felt extreme embarrassment over this and I didn’t dare tell anyone. Finally, I shyly admitted it to a social worker AND a doctor who both believed me and I was off the hook with the Great Elsa and handed a new one.

The second was years later. I haven’t talked about this one much because I don’t know what to think honestly. I really liked her as a person but as a therapist she truly bombed out. And she was kinda famous locally. But it’s true, she slept. She would wake up and apologize and I’d say, “Get yourself some coffee.” She would but it never kept her awake. Given her tendency to nod off so frequently, I assume I am not the only patient to have observed this. I felt she should have just done her day job and not taken on private patients in the evening.

I can tell you my psychiatrist, Dr. Kimberly Pearson, whom I do not hesitate to name, was more than pissed when I fired that therapist. Pearson tended to rely on reputation and since this one had all the reputation in the world, more than she deserved, Pearson deferred to her and said my firing of her was a “symptom.” Yep.

There were other offenses. Our sessions consisted of her talking about herself mostly. Pearson didn’t believe that, either. She talked nonstop about her nieces till I was truly sick of it. I felt like I was her therapist. She also talked about her other patients to me, using me as her supervisor I suppose. The tip of the iceberg came when she cried in my presence, cried over one of her patients. Was this truly necessary? I was disgusted when I left and ashamed to have stayed with her as long as I had.

Pearson chewed me out for firing her and insisted my meds must be wrong. It’s a symptom. No it’s not.

I liked the next two, who both acted ethically at least. My time with both was short-lived. The next was Maria. Pearson loved Maria and when I fired her she again claimed I was manic.

This could become big business for therapists if Pearson is psychiatrist. They can abuse all they want, then, get Pearson, as ultimate authority, to claim it never happened.  Abuse, or act unprofessionally? Who cares. It is so easy to make sure the patient is called Crazy. What a great way to do business! Take a vacation in the Alps, buy another home with pocket cash. And life goes on.

Embarrassing adventure, but over quickly enough

I was waiting for a callback from a store so I put my cell phone into my pocket because Puzzle, spoiled as she is, insisted on going out. I was sure it wasn’t one of those “nagging for attention” alerts. I knew she had to go potty.

On my way out I felt for my keys. What I thought were my keys was actually the little purse I use to store my bus change. However, the feel of it was similar so I assumed it was my keys.

Once outside, I realized it was rather unpleasant so I came right back to the door after a minute or two.

That’s when I realized I was locked out. I felt, and felt again for my keys. How could I be so stupid?

I had very little battery left in my phone. I called the fire department and they said they were on their way. I told them not to use the sirens….PLEASE. They didn’t.

This was all very quick. I know enough to lock one window, but I had left the higher bedroom window unlocked. Wow that fireman got in fast. He came to my door and opened it and then they left about as fast as they came.

Now listen: In my old life, I would have been questioned repeatedly about my mental state. They would have asked inappropriate questions about if I was “okay.” Maybe taken me in for an eval. Of course I am okay, just cold. Puzzle was shivering too. And here, in my present-day life, these firemen who see me as a nondiagnosed person were well aware that I was okay. No questions, just asked my name and if I owned or rented. C’mon, I’m an innocent old lady, not a violent subhuman like they used to treat me back in the old days of diagnosis. They had a sense of humor about it and after they were all done they told me, with a uplifting tone, “Don’t lock yourself out again.”

So I know now. I know it’s just too easy to get into that bedroom window so I have now locked it. Especially for a tall person, they didn’t even need a ladder. I never realized breaking in would be so easy and I’m lucky they could do it…for now.  And….bring the keys.

As far as I am concerned being a nondiagnosed person is the next best thing to…..let’s see…..Hugging Puzzle is the best ever. #1.

Deceptive marketing: “Take surveys at home for cash”

I am writing this because i figure a lot of those trapped in the unemployment/disability bit might try working from home this way. I have yet to find a company that actually pays cash for surveys even though they claim to do so.

This is the deal. You earn “points.” You cash in your points for gift cards to popular stores. This isn’t really cash, not something you use to pay living expenses such as utility bills. I suppose if you spend your life on Amazon then an Amazon gift card might be nice. I don’t think these are physical cards you can trade for cash at a dealer but if you do, you lose whatever fees they charge.

I wrote to one company saying if it wasn’t really cash, why make that claim? They all do, enticing suckers like me to click on their links only to find it is more merchandise. What do I need a fancy pocketbook for?

Memory of ECT

The first shock they gave me wiped out my memory of the preceding events leading up to the “treatment.” This time, I vowed I would not forget the waiting room. As I sat waiting, desperately thristy as I had not drank since the night before, I tried to memorize the large rug at my feet. It was surprisingly home-like in this room, unlike your typical waiting room. That rug was something I never forgot. I’m not sure if “Oriental” would describe it. I remember patterns on it. I don’t know why, but it was an eerie reminder of the rug I had in my bedroom when I was a child.

Why was this waiting room not like the others? Others were sterile and institutional. There I was, inside McLean Hospital’s medical unit, an old institution. I kept staring at that rug and promising myself I wouldn’t forget it.

ECT, at the time, made me feel special. Only a few patients got it. I had been chosen. I wondered why I had been picked. Now, two decades later I wonder if that special feeling might have kept me a patient so long.

Prior to going into psych, back in 1980 and 1981, I had been an exceptionally good student. I was known not only to be smart, but also responsible, as I showed up on time and completed all my assignments. School went smoothly for me as I loved the academic environment. I was at a small college and (I’m embarrassed to say) a shining star of sorts there.

Maybe it’s my competitive nature, or, maybe a curse. I always insisted on doing well at everything in school. I felt that education was a privilege one should not take for granted. This wasn’t playtime, not for me, even though I knew students who didn’t study nor care if they learned or not.

As soon as I quit school a semester prior to graduation, I lost that “special” status. I wasn’t a shining star anymore. I was scorned by many at my school even though not one knew I went to psych for an eating disorder. Some bashed me for my “bad decision,” and others said nothing but I could see on their fallen faces that they’d never again see me as the bright and talented music student I had been.

Rather quickly, and, I believe, subconsciously, I worked hard at treatment. I would do well at it, the best I could be. I would be responsible, know my meds, memorize side effects and doses, and never being late for an appointment.

I recall on units there was the same sick competition. How to be the best schiz on the unit? The best anorexic? You earned attention this way and it got to be a habit for so many.

Now I was having this special procedure called ECT. I was afraid of damages, actually, but my sick desire to be the best at everything overrode any skepicism.

Why did I never grow out of that? People are human, they cannot be good at everything even though when we are kids we might think that. Psychiatry served me well. I was really a good patient for a long time.

If you’re still a patient maybe that’s how it is happening for you, too. While you may be skeptical of the various pills and procedures and use of lockup, maybe staying in psych serves some alternate purpose for you. Or maybe for your family, or even for your treatment team.

Who are you trying to please? If the answer isn’t YOU, then who?

In the end, that’s the way it was for me. Pleasing the therapist became a priority. Will she approve? What if she does not? I suddenly realized the horrible trap I had ended up in, and had been in for years. I wasn’t doing what I was doing for any other purpose than pleasing the treatment team. I wasn’t even making my own decisions anymore.

I think those thoughts, those ideas fueled me to leave the system. I didn’t want my life run by other people, such as the treatment team. I didn’t want monitoring. I didn’t want to be “followed.” I didn’t want someone asking me constantly about “symptoms” and I felt insulted by the constant “safety checks.” I wasn’t a child. Why was I being treated like one when I was older in years than any of my providers?

I was foolish not to stop the ECT, but I couldn’t. I was so spaced out that I could barely put a sentence together nor strong enough to say no. Date rape is like this, too. Weaken the victim and she will not struggle.

Others said no for me. My parents and my boyfriend stood by me. My parents remembered my student days and pointed out the changes from the shock. “She wasn’t always like this!” my mom insisted. Why didn’t the doctors believe her?

My boyfriend spoke directly with the shock doc insisting that what I was suffering from was shock, not depression. I recall that day. They took me in anyway.

I am very lucky I didn’t end up with significant permanent damages. I talk to so many who have been so badly damaged they don’t want to live anymore. I recall later that year, I felt that way, too, that I was doomed to live a life of confusion. No one, not the doctors, nor me, knew what would occur.

Twenty years ago I woke up on my 40th birthday and I was fine, a year and a half after the shock. I can’t believe it’s been 20 years now.  I still remember that rug, sitting there following the patterns with my eyes, and now, I shudder to think of it.


Phishing phone call, now I have heard it all

So today I got the funniest phone call. “Alert! We’re from Google and Bing and please pay attention to this announcement.”

I hung up. They’re not from “Google and Bing.” Bing is a search engine run by Microsoft, not Google. So how can they be from two competing companies?

I regularly get calls saying my Windows computer is hacked. Really? I don’t even use Windows. They autodial people and try to find suckers to give out all their banking info.

Sometime, I’ll answer them, let them give out their lines, then, tell them, “Sorry, you’ve reached a pizza restaurant. Can I take YOUR credit card info?  Do you want extra cheese?”

From the Washington Post, Misdiagnosis of Alzheimers

Check this out. I hope you can access the link.


I have read about misdiagnoses of all sorts of diseases. Dementia is commonly misdiagnosed, mixing up one dementia for the other, for instance, which can be fatal for the sufferer.

Note the emotion that Ellenberger displays. Anger over the lost years, anger that he was led to believe he had a fatal condition all that time, anger over the waste of money. Yes it does change how you live! I have read many stories about misdiagnosed seizure disorder, which I went through, too. A neuro finally confirmed I did not have what they thought I had and also clued me in that the doc who said I had it was “an overdiagnoser.”

It is highly possible I do not have kidney disease either. I cannot eat salt but otherwise I am fine. A doc told me, kinda recently, that the blood levels are commonly off IF you have DI. She said if you have DI you have to test kidney functioning in the urine. That is when she told me that my kidney function was “okay, nothing remarkable.” I had not told her about my prior kidney failure. She said sodium was low and said that, too, is “normal” for DI.

Blood creatinine has been off for years, but maybe that means nothing considering. DI is normally rare so what do they know?

Diagnosis along racial lines

Black people are more likely to be diagnosed with a more severe diagnosis than whites. This has been cited in many articles but I don’t have a link to the actual study with statistics.

Also, I did find a credible-looking study where researchers went to a well-established state institution and interviewed those called schiz. The statistics were sobering indeed. Overwhelmingly, a large percentage had none, or very few of the listed “symptoms” of schiz, and didn’t qualify for the dx. I didn’t bookmark the link but likely you can find it online. It ended up being a rather famous study.

Did you know that voice-hearing alone isn’t a disease, even according to the psychs? Also, someone did a poll in Ireland and found 1/3 were voice-hearers. I ask why the high percentage. Perhaps it is that Ireland is very far north and they have minimal sunlight exposure in winter. What about other Nordic countries? Is the ratio similar?

You need sunlight to keep up Vitamin D. Google “Vitamin D and psychosis” and you’ll see the number of studies that confirm that Vitamin D deficiency can lead to psychosis. But do people who live in Nordic countries end up with this deficiency?

Statistically (according to Torrey) schiz diagnosis is more prevalent in those born in January and February.  But… Would knowing a patient’s birth month produce a bias? I was born in January. Babies are generally not exposed to direct sunlight anyway, as they burn easily. Also, they’re bundled up when they go outdoors in winter, to prevent them from getting cold. They aren’t able to regulate temperature very well as infants. (That I learned in nursing school.) But does lack of sunlight exposure during infancy even amount to anything at all?

What about the formulas babies drink? Most formula is full of chemicals (just like Ensure). Never mind many pharmaceuticals pass through breast milk. At this point, pharmaceuticals have been found in tap water! This is because they’re so prevalent. Some filters filter out the pharma, but apparently the safest water out there is distilled. We have badly polluted our planet.

I saw some legal articles in the news about mothers being blamed for taking opoids while pregnant. The law is split here. I read the following: It depends on local laws and also, who is presiding over the case.  Mothers are protected from this accusation in some locales. Some lawmakers state that the laws on both sides of the fence are outdated and need to be changed. I have seen recent cases where the mother was charged.

What about SSRI drugs and other psych pharma pills? As I see it, if a woman is told it’s okay to take these, she shouldn’t be blamed. I have heard that women who are epileptic should take the anti-seizure pills (with caution!) because a seizure could harm the fetus very badly.

Oddly, when I had my tubes tied, the anesthesiologist said  I should still take the anticonvulsants. I guess she assumed I was seizure-prone and didn’t realize I was given these for psych. Or she was afraid rapid withdrawal, even for a day, would result in a seizure. I hear that happens to some non-epileptic people and not others. I know many who stopped Lamictal cold turkey due to a suspicious-looking rash and not one in my acquaintance got a seizure.

I cannot believe I was called schiz all those years and never had a single sign of it. What on earth were they thinking? Did they do this to create hopeless dependency because they profit off of it? I know I was put on disability for schiz. ED diagnosis wouldn’t have worked. Why were they so intent on getting me onto disability that they knowingly did this? This is not in my current medical records, but it’s on my drug card as pharmacy reference. Beware of this possibility! I don’t use the insurance at all for that reason. I won’t carry a schiz card!

I assume the doc I see today will automatically prescribe, because he’s expected to. I don’t expect a strep diagnosis at this point. He’s likely to prescribe antihistimines such as “cold medicine” but I will not take that stuff. It doesn’t cure, only masks.


I remembered to take my temp prior to drinking anything just now. For whatever reason I find it hard to remember to do that, since my automatic reflex is to have some liquids which will affect oral temp. I do not have any fever anymore. 36.8, which is not a fever at all, it’s below normal by a smidge. I am very lucky to have tissues here. This is funny…I usually buy them and then, wonder why I bought so many. The tissues are usually used to clean, as they’re useful for that, not to nose-blow. However,I have quite the collection of gross used tissues sitting here at my desk. I need to toss them out! Do you have that bad habit, too? Especially since I’m having someone come over to do a repair next week.

So…no more fever, throat’s better, I’m better, but kinda sniffly.  Sounds like the flu, doesn’t it? The flu is short-lived and hits hard. That’s how it has been for me over the years. This is my first flu since I stopped the flu shot. My last was coerced on me in 2013, even though I stated that the flu shot never worked on me. Actually the shot has very low effectiveness rate and varies from year to year. I no longer think it’s a good idea for me given its terrible track record in my own history. The last time I had it was when i had that fall 2013 shot and then, I got sick early 2014 or late 2013. It is always gone in a day or two.

I have an important meeting tomorrow and I am very glad I will not have to cancel as I am sure I’ll be much improved. Or, rather, I hope. The space will be open enough and the meeting very small, so I won’t have to worry about spreading this around. I believe the contagious stage is early on, not later. That’s a useful question to ask the doc when I see him today. Still I think it’s important to avoid public places where kids and elderly frequent, such as a library or the Y. I believe in being considerate of others.

Healing dog

My naturopath states that fevers help heal the body and he advises NOT to medicate them. He says in his lengthy time he has practiced he has never seen anyone die of a fever IF the person takes in fluids. I have read and re-read his logic and he’s right. Even Western Med agrees fevers come for a reason, so we will heal faster.

I wonder what he says about the amazing healing power of dogs. This has been observed but does anyone know why? Many people who have met Puzzle in person tell me “She is a healing dog and you should really take advantage of that.” She is!

All day today I was in and out of bed. I didn’t sleep when I lay down. I hugged Puzzle! I felt the warmth of her body and felt MUCH MUCH better. Also, my friend sent me “healing vibes” and every time she’s done that I have made a rapid recovery. It is uncanny.  Such as from the torn cartilage I had. I knew you can’t really do anything about it but to wait it out. I took loads of Turmeric and it healed me faster! Okay, okay, we don’t know because correlation doesn’t mean causation. Don’t argue that.

Why do I bounce back so easily? Yesterday I went to the bank and to get inside I had to go up two steps. However, I saw the first, not the second. Have you ever tripped over a step? I didn’t even hit the ground. How odd.

I don’t give MYSELF credit for these amazing things at all. I have no clue why, and I’m not going to claim I have amazing abilities nor claim full responsibility for what very well may be good fortune only.

I still have a fever, higher in fact, just a little, but I feel a lot better! Finally I figured out something I could drink that goes down fine. Warm water and lemon, or, warm water mixed with fruit juice such as orange juice or cider. So I have been chugging that down.

I don’t have chills anymore and the sore throat isn’t as bad. Still hurts but not half as much as before, and the swollen glands and swollen tonsils really aren’t as bad now. I am going to keep on drinking fluids and hugging Puzzle.

I made a doc appointment just in case. Someplace that doesn’t have old records, or any. I have already spoken to the office, told them what is happening. They seem okay. I know better than to use an ER or hospital walk-in clinic! They’re in the business of milking insurance and filling beds, so……

I will be fine.

So the Globe reports debilitating brain damage from playing football. But what about Electroshock?

They acknowledge the harms to famous people but don’t give a shit about perceived mental cases. We have tried and tried to shake sense into the government that bows down to whatever the psychiatric GUILD and device industry wants. Linda Andre wrote a brilliant book, Doctors of Deception, but they try to silence her any way they can (including illegal retaliation). ECT whistleblower and winner of over a million dollars on the west coast had a gag order put on her. She cannot speak to the media. She needed the massive amount for rehab. Poor, poor famous people, I’m sick of it, really. I have seen so many damaged lives and suicides as a result of electroshock. Didn’t Ernest Hemingway matter or was HE, too, another nutcase to be dismissed?