I have heard there are exceptions to this rule, that for some people, that great partner works out, that fabulous lifetime spouse, or for some, a wonderful organization comes along that turns out to be a that match made in heaven. However, as a general rule it’s a good idea to have a Plan B to fall back on, just in case.
Even when two people work out as lifetime partners, they have other interests such as their workplaces where they may work separately, or possibly have their friends and correspondences they associate with apart from the other. Sometimes the families of these partners may not be well-acquainted with each other nor live in the same locale.
Sometimes we look to people or organizations as “the answer.” I would highly recommend against this type of hopefulness. I used to get that way simply because I was in a situation of dire straits and had nowhere to turn. I was disappointed over and over. No one person nor organization can fit this role, whether they promise to do so (which is grandiose, when you think of it) and a totally empty promise.
“We won’t let you down like the others.” I used to hear this occasionally, these empty promises. I was so desperate that as soon as I heard it, I’d latch onto it and immediately believe it, simply because I loved the verification that the others had truly let me down (or worse). Secondly, I had hoped to be treated decently. Sadly, I was invariably let down.
Sometimes, I was so desperate for someone to be nice to me that wishful thinking caused me to decide a person or organization was “nicer” than it really was. So I formed ideas in my mind based on what I hoped I would get, or what I wanted to see, rather than what I truly witnessed or was getting.
I have done this many times, built organizations and people up to be The One that was going to help get me out of the muck. But the truth is that you cannot count on just one, because invariably you will be disappointed, even if they promise and tell you over and over just how great they are.
When they disappoint you they’ll tell you over and over how they hadn’t promised anything, and how delusional or diseased you are. Or they’ll blame YOU and tell you it was all your fault that it didn’t work out.
Like here’s an example. Church. I went to church and did exactly the wrong thing. Because I had just been abused in a hospital I put all my eggs in one basket hoping that the church people would believe me and support me.
First of all, they never heard my story. As soon as I got there, as soon as I started going to church not one person heard what had happened at Mass General. The funny thing is that it was an MGH clergy who had recommended to me that I join a church or synagogue. There I was, but I couldn’t get anyone to hear me out. “Hey, I was deprived of water in a hospital and that was a human rights abuse!” but not one person would listen. They only saw a crazy person, and assumed the story was all a delusion.
Fast forward a few years: The minister and his family were mountain-climbing on Mount Katahdin in Maine one summer (I believe 2016) and apparently, they carry enough water on the trip. So the minister himself became dangerously dehydrated. They were on a mountain and this was dire. Some nice people came along with water. This incident has become the topic of many sermons since.
Dehydration causes a PTSD-like reaction, which accounts for why the minister is now kinda obsessed with this incident. If you go look at his sermons (go to the church’s website at fp watertown dot org and click on “sermons”) you’ll see that this incident on the mountain when he was dehydrated is repeated over and over. This is due to his own traumatic reaction to dehydration, which is a normal human response. That’s what I was going through when I joined the church, but since I was considered a nutcase, I was ignored. No one would listen.
I was a fool to put all my eggs in one basket. Church disappointed me terribly. I was treated horribly at church and I am hesitant to join any religious organization again. I have nothing against religion but it’s the social aspect that scares me, since I don’t want to go through rejection and belittling again.
The minister actually put into one of his sermons that “a former member” blames the church because “she didn’t find friends” at the church. The way it is worded totally blames me, implying that I should not have blamed the church at all.
The minister left out the little fact that HE SENT THE COPS TO MY HOME ON JANUARY 10, 2014, ACCUSING ME OF PLOTTING TO KILL HIM! I have reported this to the state legislature as an act of swatting, possible paranoia on the part of the minister or the church’s administration, and unnecessary and wasteful use of police! The church’s elite saw me as dangerous and violent. So how on earth was I supposed to make friends there? And why is this paranoid minister blaming ME?
Not only was I ignored at church, but I was treated as lesser. I was not given the usual duties that most regular members have, I suppose because they were afraid of me. I was refused any time I offered to help out. The only time I was allowed to be giving was when I was asked for MONEY. The only time they ever actively contacted me was to ask for money. I was so shocked by this, because many times I offered in any way I could to be giving in other ways, but I was put off, told, “We don’t need that right now.” It was their way of saying “We don’t want nutcases around here.”
This church professes to treat all humans as worthy. What a joke.
One person mentioned that maybe I would want to join the choir, but I was honestly afraid of social rejection if I chose to join. I was scared of being left out in some way, their usual way they deliberately didn’t include me. I also observed other members being belittled during various church meetings and I was disgusted by this.
For instance, a person was belittled just for asking a question, told she was “wasting people’s time.” I was so shocked and disgusted that I didn’t know what to do. Should I approach her and say something about how I feel? Should I go above everyone’s heads and go to the central office in Boston? Should I try to say something to those who did it? Anytime I tried to challenge the way things were done I was knocked down.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Be a member of several organizations. That way, when one falls through, or disappoints you, or breaks up, or runs out of money, or ends up not working out, you’ve got the other to fall back on. Or have some hobby you enjoy so when that great club fails, you can tell yourself at least you have something else.