My Favorite Things

Here are a few of the things you shouldn’t leave home without.
I know, I know, you are expecting me to say, “Don’t forget your keys. Don’t forget MasterCard and Visa. Don’t forget your passport.” Nope. Oh, were you expecting me to say,

“Please, write down the names of all your pills, the doses, the number of your therapist in case you have to call, and the crisis team number in case of a psychiatric emergency.”

Please, lose all those as fast as possible. Take them off speed dial and flush ’em so far they reach the other end of the continent.

Meanwhile, here are A Few of My Favorite Things. How else does that song go? I forget, but Julie Andrews sang it, and I’m named after her, partially. Bet my brothers didn’t even know that, because they weren’t born yet. But my parents had that in mind, way  back when.

Then, of course, Mary Poppins flew in on her umbrella a few years later when Walt Disney came out with the movie, but I ain’t talkin’. The boys were just babies then. I figured I’d surprise everyone and start flying, too. If only I could plan out how to do it. That would take some fancy science set, wouldn’t it? Maybe my dad would give me one for Hanukkah. But I’d have to share it with my baby brothers now. Aw, no fun, they’d find out about flying, wouldn’t they?

Here are a few of my Favorite things:

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These are plastic buckets. You can’t get by without a few around. You need them to do laundry. I’ve always got a bucketful of laundry going. Yesterday, I left the house with a yellow shirt on, and as soon as I got into the bright sunlight, I saw an embarrassing stain on my shirt. I couldn’t see it until the sun got on me. I zipped up my jacket to hide the stain. Not that anyone could really see. I just didn’t want to look like a pauper anymore. I’m tired of that, just plain tired of giving myself away, even though I don’t think anyone gives a shit. I’m embarrassed because God sees.

I came home and took off my shirt, put together a few shirts, rubbed a bar of soap on the stain, and threw them all in a bucket with some boiling water and disinfectant. Today, I’ll hang them in the sun and soon enough, they’ll be like new again.

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These are tongs, I suppose there are other words for them, they are multiuso, that’s a word for multi-purpose in Spanish. For whatever reason, I find many items here in Uruguay dirt cheap that are multiuso. Why is that? The cheaper the more purpose? The higher purpose? The more Godly? Why does this make more sense? These can be used for food, for picking logs up off a fire in a pinch, for laundry if you are gentle about it, and for picking Puzzle’s chicken meat off of the bones when I am not in the mood for touching it. In fact, anytime I don’t want to touch something, these come in handy. I have a third pair lying around somewhere, too, and you can buy larger and larger ones too. I’ll bet God has the biggest pair imaginable for picking people off when he cares to get them off the planet pronto. Ever wonder how Deus Ex Machina REALLY works? You got it. See, I am 58 now, I know the dude’s tricks now. We writers on onto him and we’re gonna expose Heaven for the scam it is (only kidding).

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This is a firestarter, or perhaps you can light a candle in the wind with it. Or a cigarette if you wish. I prefer the green ones. These come in black, too. I won’t buy the black ones since anything black disappears before my very eyes. Just yesterday I put down my glasses and then, the fan blew them off my table and I spent the next 45 minutes searching for them. I was beginning to wonder if they’d dissolved. How can a pair of glasses be that tiny? Did they shrink? I resorted to getting down on my hands and knees and patting the floor. Be glad you weren’t here to watch. I make about a similar fool of myself losing just about everything, including my firestarting tools, just about daily. That’s why many of my belongings are these ridiculous bright colors. This is the only reliable firestarter, the rest are DOA in my opinion.

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Scissors. These two pairs I bought here. I have a kitchen pair I brought here from USA as well, but I found out you can buy the precise same make/model here. Why? They’re made in China! The orange ones (of course obnoxious and bright so I can see them) are terrific for anything and if I I keep them super clean I can use them for food even. The other ones are good for anything, even sewing. I was surprised since I figured for the low price and  the fact that they were sold in the cashier aisle, they’d be that crap you buy and then regret. Surprise! Don’t leave home without ’em.

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Brooms, dustpan and brush. I enjoy sweeping the floor and keeping it clean. When I am in the mood. Then Puzzle and I track mud and dust back in. Ah, the cycles of life.

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Guess what this is? These are wonderful, all-purpose dishcloths we got here. Nothing is better than an ordinary old cheap rag. These are made here in Uruguay and I can’t see why anyone would use anything else. They will clean anything, the floor, the counter, the walls, the dog, the kids, the bathroom, and the entire world I suppose. After that, it’s very easy to clean the rags themselves and start over again. One of these lasts and lasts and lasts. Just like me. You just can’t get rid of me, or haven’t yet. And yet we’re everywhere, aren’t we? Just don’t tell anyone, and I won’t, either.

My favorite things aren’t that big of a deal after all. You want rocket science and hocus pocus? Go to someone else’s blog. Hate to clue you in, but when you get to the end of it all, you reach an old dude who laughs at what fools we made of ourselves.

Feedback and comments welcome!