Question: Why do I hate myself after ED “care”?
First of all, know that you are not alone. Many others hate themselves, too, and are thinking the same things. Of course, in “care,” no one’s allowed to say how they really feel, lest they be accused of “negativity” or being “triggering.”
I cannot count how many times I’d sit on my bed at night saying to myself, “I can hardly wait to get out of here and lose this weight.” No one wanted to admit to anyone else that they felt the exact same way. No one. The ones that talked got kicked out, called “pro-ana,” or whatever.
Listen: There’s nothing wrong with how you feel. It isn’t morally bad to hate what “they” did to you. Many of us feel this way. The “care” of ED isn’t care! It’s abuse! It’s demeaning, shaming, and full of scare tactics. Abuse makes people hate themselves, doubt themselves, question themselves and even question their own sanity.
The way I saw those staff acting, I can tell you who was sane and who wasn’t on the wards. I can tell you who had more insight and more intelligence. I can tell you that during the times they allowed us to form friendships, these bonds were stronger than anything “staff” could ever break. Where are those “staff” now?
Just because “treatment” made you feel like shit doesn’t mean you have to stay “sick” to get back at them. You don’t need to prove anything to them. Prove to yourself that you are far more capable than they claim. To really get back at those abusers, go live a productive life. Success is the best revenge ever.