Old You-Tube I made two years ago, and discussion

I made this video in June or July 2013. It has been transferred between computers, which is why I don’t know the exact date. The video didn’t upload properly and I never retried. My computer crashed right after that. I was able to recover just about everything.

In the video, you can see in the end I beg anyone who has gotten that far for a phone call. I never got one. Yes, it was that bad back then. I tried so hard to get anyone to speak to me. I was conversationally deprived and after a couple of years of terrible isolation, I began to lose my ability to properly converse. I lost my sense of good manners. I was DYING for conversation and human compassion.

I would grab anyone I could and try to make friends. Nothing worked. I ate less and less. During the last couple of months, I was down to 500 calories a day, then 350, then 300, then…30 calories a day. That’s the equivalent of a couple of slices of apple.  I kept that up for several weeks.  When I finally arrived at the ER, I went into full code.

A couple of days later, I told them, “I starved myself because no one gives a shit about me.”

In my records, apparently when I told them my family barely spoke to me they assumed that was impossible and that I was delusional. I wasn’t at all wrong, though. I told them that my mother lived a couple of towns away and I had not seen her since December of  2010, except for once for about 20 minutes in 2013, not by my choice. That brief meeting sent me into a very bad downward spiral. It is written in my records that I was delusional and that no one could possibly have had that little contact with her own mother. But it was true.

I have one brother who won’t speak to me, and the other gaslights me nonstop whenever I try to talk to him. The hospital personnel assumed I was delusional about that, stating that no family would do that to a person. Yet I was right all along.

Most of my friends had given up on me as a lost cause. So many people put up ridiculous boundaries. As if I were a leper.

I wonder if anyone realized how badly this situation of denial of social contact was harming me. I expected to be treated well at the hospital but instead, I was abused while inpatient.  Actually, I expected a warm welcome back into my community and maybe a few apologies. I didn’t get that, either. No, I was told how morally defective I was, over and over, and  people pulled away even more.

I was sick from the kidney failure, barely able to drag myself around in late 2013. I was being denied medical care. Yeah, I had appointments where they went through the motions but truthfully, gave me no care and no hope. They expected me to end up on dialysis soon, and die.

I had one or two friends who would speak to me. If it weren’t for those people I know I wouldn’t be alive now to write this.

I love being alone, and I need to live alone and to spend time by myself. I can’t imagine being married and not  having any solitude. I only  needed occasional human contact. All I was asking was that people pick up the phone when I call, spend time with me now and then, and quit acting like I was some sinner from hell. As a result of denial  of companionship, I nearly died.

You can see in the You-Tube how I was having trouble speaking due to starvation. Lack of nutrition affected my cognitive ability. I understood what was happening around me, but my ability to self-express became limited. I can assure anyone out there that your thinking ability WILL return after you start eating again.

Please, never allow this to happen to a person. Reach out. You will save someone’s life.

PS: I am much better off now since I relocated.  I have friends, too. Again, the video was made in 2013 and now two years have passed.



9 thoughts on “Old You-Tube I made two years ago, and discussion”

  1. Julie, I am so sorry and sad that you had to go through that, and that you were so badly mistreated, especially by your own family. I’m so glad that things are better, and going well for you now.

    1. Oh thanks, that’s so kind of you to say. I am happy now finally that some people believe me. The majority assume I am lying or delusional. Fact is, I am not at all wrong about what happened. Of course, everyone makes errors and there may have been times I was completely mistaken about something. However, when I’ve been incorrect (such as doing math wrong or misspelling, being mistaken, or not having a perfect memory) I always correct myself and apologize for the confusion. A while back, I posted something, but immediately removed the post realizing that the outside material I was commenting on was outdated. Sadly, hardly anyone has ever bothered to apologize to me for far worse offenses. The ones who do weren’t the ones at fault. It’s like folks want to apologize to me for the sake of those who refuse to do so. I don’t want anyone who is not responsible to feel that they are. All I ask is that others recognize that these things have occurred. Occasionally I ask for a bit of leeway, such as putting up with me if I snap at a person or get irritated without apparent rational cause. When I’ve had to, I’ve explained my actions. Not to excuse them, but to explain why sometimes my knee-jerk fears kick in. I’m so thrilled that my REAL friends never blame me, knowing it’s not my fault. Just the same as poor vision. If I cannot see something, I might ask someone to read a street sign or the lettering on a bus for me. I never get blamed for that, and folks are more than happy to oblige.

    1. Thanks! My you-tubes get so few comments. I don’t make them much anymore since they barely get watched and actually, it seemed like a waste of effort. I feel sad right now. Actually, still shocked. Still asking those “why did it happen” questions.

        1. Yes, it’s all over my blog. I don’t have one single blog entry that’s a summary since the story is so long. I try at times to sum it up though, periodically. I wasn’t listened to, I wasn’t understood. They only wanted money. Typical story of a mental patient. And it never had to be that way. If I hadn’t gone to them I would have been fine. I feel that they ruined my life and tore my family apart, The only way to fix the situation is to reject their lies. The only way I can get my family back is if they, too, realize it was all a lie, but I am not sure they will.

        2. Thanks. I think there’s no reason not to believe me. I am very careful not to be dishonest. If I am unclear I apologize and fix the post. If I am entirely mistaken I take a post down and apologize. Also, if I state an opinion, my opinion might change from time to time. i have that right. Facts have not changed, though. And I don’t necessarily reveal 100%, which again, I am entitled to, for the sake of privacy.

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