I made this video in June or July 2013. It has been transferred between computers, which is why I don’t know the exact date. The video didn’t upload properly and I never retried. My computer crashed right after that. I was able to recover just about everything.
In the video, you can see in the end I beg anyone who has gotten that far for a phone call. I never got one. Yes, it was that bad back then. I tried so hard to get anyone to speak to me. I was conversationally deprived and after a couple of years of terrible isolation, I began to lose my ability to properly converse. I lost my sense of good manners. I was DYING for conversation and human compassion.
I would grab anyone I could and try to make friends. Nothing worked. I ate less and less. During the last couple of months, I was down to 500 calories a day, then 350, then 300, then…30 calories a day. That’s the equivalent of a couple of slices of apple. I kept that up for several weeks. When I finally arrived at the ER, I went into full code.
A couple of days later, I told them, “I starved myself because no one gives a shit about me.”
In my records, apparently when I told them my family barely spoke to me they assumed that was impossible and that I was delusional. I wasn’t at all wrong, though. I told them that my mother lived a couple of towns away and I had not seen her since December of 2010, except for once for about 20 minutes in 2013, not by my choice. That brief meeting sent me into a very bad downward spiral. It is written in my records that I was delusional and that no one could possibly have had that little contact with her own mother. But it was true.
I have one brother who won’t speak to me, and the other gaslights me nonstop whenever I try to talk to him. The hospital personnel assumed I was delusional about that, stating that no family would do that to a person. Yet I was right all along.
Most of my friends had given up on me as a lost cause. So many people put up ridiculous boundaries. As if I were a leper.
I wonder if anyone realized how badly this situation of denial of social contact was harming me. I expected to be treated well at the hospital but instead, I was abused while inpatient. Actually, I expected a warm welcome back into my community and maybe a few apologies. I didn’t get that, either. No, I was told how morally defective I was, over and over, and people pulled away even more.
I was sick from the kidney failure, barely able to drag myself around in late 2013. I was being denied medical care. Yeah, I had appointments where they went through the motions but truthfully, gave me no care and no hope. They expected me to end up on dialysis soon, and die.
I had one or two friends who would speak to me. If it weren’t for those people I know I wouldn’t be alive now to write this.
I love being alone, and I need to live alone and to spend time by myself. I can’t imagine being married and not having any solitude. I only needed occasional human contact. All I was asking was that people pick up the phone when I call, spend time with me now and then, and quit acting like I was some sinner from hell. As a result of denial of companionship, I nearly died.
You can see in the You-Tube how I was having trouble speaking due to starvation. Lack of nutrition affected my cognitive ability. I understood what was happening around me, but my ability to self-express became limited. I can assure anyone out there that your thinking ability WILL return after you start eating again.
Please, never allow this to happen to a person. Reach out. You will save someone’s life.
PS: I am much better off now since I relocated. I have friends, too. Again, the video was made in 2013 and now two years have passed.