One way to resolve past abuse

This idea isn’t mine. It’s second-hand, a method I heard about many years ago.

When a person is abused, undoubtedly many others are involved. Either there are more than one abuser, or there are bystanders that could have stopped it. Other people involved are those that may or may not believe the victim.

When you are a victim, you are confused over where or if to place blame. This leads to shifting the blame back and forth endlessly with no real resolution.

What worked for someone I knew was to go through all personnel involved. She looked at each person and decided on her own to blame that person or to realize that what happened was out of their control.

For instance, if a child is involved, it’s hard to blame that child for abuse since they are perhaps too young to understand. If you were abused by a parent while your five year old cousin watched and laughed, you may be angry, but later on, looking back, realize that of course that five-year-old was too young, and may have considered it all a game.

So this person I knew went though her family, friends, teachers, etc, each one at a time. She told me that she found this helpful. Asking yourself who is in control, who is masterminding the abuse is a question that takes a long time to answer. Sometimes, you end up blaming a concept, such as “Poverty.” Or, “A car accident.” Or, “The system failed our family.” Or, “Racism.”

I personally can go round and round in circles with the blame game. “I was only doing my job,” to me, is no excuse for abuse. I also know that it’s a very scary world out there for employees. If they tattle, they don’t just lose their jobs, they can get locked up. Or killed. Patients, too, are afraid to speak up when they see things that are very wrong. “Will anyone even believe me?”

I have no liking for blindly forgiving everyone. Frankly, forgiveness isn’t always the healthiest thing to do. Often, you have to put that on hold.  I don’t see that as a moral issue. If you don’t feel forgiveness in your heart, don’t lie and say you do.

Someone in USA mentioned “gratitude” to me recently. Of course, given my history, I reacted strongly to that one. How could I be called “ungrateful” if the one thing I feel in my heart is gratitude toward this wonderful country where I have been unconditionally welcomed? I’m grateful for my freedom. I am grateful that I do not have to prove myself to this person. And I feel totally misunderstood. In a way, I don’t even want to be friends anymore. I don’t like know-it-all attitudes. If you have never been there, don’t criticize.

Feedback and comments welcome!