Psychiatry Home Edition, coming soon!

The future is looking bright for the field of psychiatry these days. Researchers are finding new and better ways to evaluate your loved ones and see to it that they are given the health care they rightfully deserve. This means the end of all suffering on earth.

There was recent objection to evaluating people on a scale of 1 to 10, even though it certainly simplified our jobs so anyone can perform them. Now, we have the ideal alternative. Emoticons! Get yours now!

Are you devastated over a breakup? Grieving because a loved one died? You don’t even have to put your feelings into words anymore. Crying is unnecessary.  Just click on the appropriate emoticon. These are free to download. We track your responses for your convenience. We will be extra careful to track your kids. We’ll even do it for you to keep our communities safe.

Are you annoyed by those eager and enthusiastic students that excel in their classes? Psychiatry is great for that. We have cures for adolescence, too. Sturm und drang will be a thing of the past. Vision Quests will be outlawed, and Communion and Bar Mitzvahs will soon be unnecessary. You don’t need spiritual meaning in your life. We discourage asking such questions as, “Who am I?” or, “How did I get here?” or, “What is my life’s purpose?” (This last one is such a terrible nuisance.) We have standardized answers for these annoying questions, simplifying parenting and teaching.  Kids will do fine in school once properly normalized. Our standardized tests will surely improve your child’s quality of life.

We have emoticons for any discomfort, and easy, standardized cures for all of them. Are you happy? Did you respond with “lol”?  We have required treatment for that. Falling in love? Don’t worry, we support the avoidance of such falls. It’s called preventative medicine. Be sure not to miss your checkup!

Treatment doesn’t hurt. Just a pinch. Turn away and don’t watch if it bothers you. However, for your safety, keep those blinders on at all times. For those who insist on natural materials, we encourage the use of wool, which can quickly be pulled over anyone’s eyes in case of emergency. The truth is dangerous!

Soon, no one will have to worry about even the slightest differences between humans. We’ll all be alike, so this will solve all the world’s problems.  Western medicine, especially psychiatry, will be hailed as the Saviors of Mankind. A CCTV camera on every corner will ensure your security. Not that they’ll even be useful anymore because everyone will look alike.

In case you are worried that you might marry the wrong person by accident, we are installing chips in everyone that can be instantly read by our devices. These will be required in all health care facilities, schools, and day care centers, so you when you come to pick up your kid, you won’t bring home the wrong one. Originally, there was objection to such chips, but we eased the public into this by requiring all sorts of ID cards, computerized everything and put flags on those people that we find objectionable. Get your free app now!

A safe and well-monitored home is a happy home.

Please, keep those apples away from your kids. You can now only obtain these by prescription once a year. After all, doctor knows best, and an apple a day is a danger to society. We regulate sneaky grandmas who insist on baking apple pie as well. Beware, apple pie conflicts your other “medications,” so the FDA (that corrupt agency In Which We Trust) has required warning labels and is shutting down any black market bakery.

Do you think this New Order is completely ridiculous? We can silence you rather quickly if you are suffering from Doubt. “Doubt and questioning is Mental Illness talking to you. Get Satan out!” We know it’s a superstition, but it’s so effective to convince people of anything, so why now not use it? We got caught in that old lie about “mental disorders” being just like diabetes years ago. However, we invent and mass produce new lies every day. Line up at your pharmacy!  And handy acronyms for everything to more speedily dispense our cures. We are creating so many lies that we now use child labor overseas to mass produce them. We keep those minority kids, and anyone in a hood (those that of course aren’t yours), plenty busy so they won’t cause trouble.  We now ensure absolute sanitation by enforcing our lies in remote areas all over the world. Suffering is terrible, isn’t it? Those bright colors, pungent aromas, and of course all things too bright and beautiful will surely come to an end, and in so doing, we are all Saved.

God Bless Psychiatry.

Feedback and comments welcome!