My recent email to NEDA

I wrote this up rather quickly and sent it to NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association, the other night.

“Hello, I came to the 2013 and 2014 NEDA walks. Both times, I contacted both NEDA and MEDA beforehand suggesting that we walk in Boston streets during a weekday when the legislature is in session. However, my request was met with “thank you very much” and ignored.

I don’t believe these walks have anything to do with “awareness” and much to do with money. Awareness among whom? Clearly, people who have suffered enough are the ones asking* to pay to join in. There is no public visibility at this high school track. The walkers are hidden from public view. I believe this is NEDA’s intent. I don’t believe NEDA intends to raise awareness and change the laws and the myths that still exist about ED, much as I wish this were true. No, I think the idea is to further push the concept of forced care and the established medical model as the only valid route to “recovery.”

If you really want to raise awareness, march in front of the statehouse. Tell the lawmakers and the entire Boston public loud and clear that people are suffering at the hands of a society that has misunderstood them. Tell them we are sick and tired of the myths and misconceptions. Tell them we are real humans with real feelings.

I won’t be there. I relocated shortly after last year’s walk.

Julie Greene and Puzzle

*Note: in my haste, I made a typo here and should have written, “are being asked to pay to join in.”

Not bad, though, for an e-mail whipped up real fast. I can write anything I damn please these days. I used to be scared to write stuff, actually. I’d hear the sound of wheels coming down the hall and think, “Oh my god, it’s the EMT’s coming with a stretcher. Who called them on me now?” That’s what happened every time I wrote something in my blog that someone was unhappy with.

Today, I never have those fears. Freedom to say what I want without fear is a wonderful thing. See you later.

Further adventures with colorblindness

For those of you who don’t know me and are stumbling upon this post via random search, I wasn’t born colorblind, although I hear most people have some degree of difficulty discerning subtleties between shades. It’s rare to find a person who is completely not colorblind. I am not certain at which age our ability to see color is at its peak. Apparently science is only now figuring out that our dogs can indeed see color. I think those of us who love our dogs knew this all along, didn’t we? I’d say I have known some dogs whose vision was  much better than that of other dogs. The differences between humans are vast. I’m guessing that our vision varies far greater than science realizes.

Have you ever thought of what it would be like to be a different height? If you are a tall person, imagine being a foot shorter. If you are six feet tall, imagine being my height, five foot one. My height translates to 155 centimeters, or about a meter and a half, for those of you who use metric.

If I stand next to another adult who is standing, chances are I am looking up at that person. If the person is six feet tall, I am looking way, way up. If we are walking outdoors, that means looking right up with the bright sky behind the person’s head. I can’t even see the person’s face because it’s nothing but a silhouette to me.  Because I am short, everyone looks down on me and that affects how others view me, but this is not something others are conscious of. I, in turn, might not quite be aware that I am more on the defensive than a tall person, and feel the need to defend or back up everything I say. When I am seated and my height isn’t apparent, these dynamics aren’t really there. In most classroom situations, the students are all seated. In college, it often took an entire term before someone would say, “I never realized you were that short.”  I felt on even terms with the other students and I thrived in college situations, but that wasn’t the only reason.

Wheelchair users tell me the same thing, that no one really understands what it’s like to have to look up at your peers. My former college advisor Kenny Fries, who is several inches shorter than me, often remarked that his height was never apparent while he was seated, but as soon as he stood, life changed. This was because he was born with missing bones in his legs.

You can see how height affects vision. A short person lives with the earth closer and a tall person has a far off view of the ground by comparison. I cannot imagine having my life so high up from the ground. Could I even focus on it? If I were six feet tall, that might make the sidewalk a blur for me. I’d be far more likely to trip if there was a bump I didn’t see. On the other hand, there are many things I don’t see because I am not tall enough. On a bus or in a crowd, I cannot see over people’s heads. But I can go into small spaces and peek inside while a larger person won’t fit.

There are myths about colorblindness. People think of it in black and white. That you see in color or you don’t. That’s not true. Most see some color but have a small degree of deficit. I think as soon as you call it by a name, “colorblindness,” it sets up expectations in others. Maybe they think they have to explain traffic signals to you.  Or they think you shouldn’t drive or are glad you don’t.  From what I have read, red/green colorblindness is only one of the many types out there. When you get tested for it, red/green is the one you are tested for because the concern is your driving. You won’t be tested for other types in a routine exam. I believe some states test for this when you renew your driver’s license or they ask for an ophthalmologist note.

However, there are of course all types of colorblindness. I became aware of mine two years ago. The first sign was my tendency to lose objects. I mentioned this to someone. She said, “Oh, that’s just a senior moment. That means you are losing your memory.” I knew that wasn’t true! I was confident that this wasn’t the case.  I sure was getting tired of these assumptions, so I decided to see why I was losing so many of my belongings.

First of all, they’d always turn up. Consistently. I can count the number of times things were truly lost and never recovered. It’s never been a cell phone nor a laptop nor a huge sum of money. I think I’ve dropped five or six coins on the pavement and not been able to recover all of them. A few things have been lost in the laundry, too, with no explanation. I dropped my keys once, and left them on the table at the post office another time, and both times they were recovered at the post office the next day. To prevent this from  occurring again, I have my keys in my pocket but they are also tied to my belt. I haven’t misplaced them since! When I go out running, I tie a housekey into my shoe. I have also put mad money into my bra but it ends up sweaty. I wonder: If I had to use the mad money, I can’t, really. What do I say? “I can pay you. Excuse me while I reach into my bra and get the mad money.” How do you say that wicked politely in español? It’s okay to put a key in your bra but don’t run like that. It’ll hurt.

So I solved some of the “losing things” problem, but not really. I noticed a pattern. Only dark things got lost. I never lost brightly-colored objects such as a white shirt or those white ankle socks I love to wear.  My floor is dark, maybe that’s why. I haven’t had a light-colored floor in years. I really want one if I can get one. Not a rug. A real light floor. A nice bright room, not this dismal color I have now.

I do prefer dark colored clothing. I don’t like to stand out and I hate wearing feminine colors such as pastel, pink, yellow, lavender, light blue, or bright green. I never wear flowers.  Ick. I don’t know why, I have always disliked those colors. I won’t wear lacy clothing nor anything with decals nor pictures of animals nor movie stars. It’s rare that you see me wearing anything with any of these extras. I do wear scarves now and then to stay warm or because I’m concealing messy hair or I’m in the mood for covering my body. I often wear a hat to keep my hair from blowing in my face, which I find super annoying. Or to keep the sun off my eyes, also annoying.  One exception is that if I feel like dressing up, I wear a man’s or boy’s necktie. Not a clip-on. I tie them.

You are not going to believe this. I’m sure I’m opening myself up for nasty remarks by saying this. But this is just too funny to leave out.  I was at the feria a few months ago. I passed by a table piled high with clothing priced to my liking. I saw these shirts that were my size. The other shoppers didn’t want them because they were seeking larger sizes. I saw so many of these, in different colors, all small, priced low, too, and I told myself that it was so rare that I found cotton shirts that maybe I should buy one. Alas, across the front of each one said the word, in inglese, something like “fantastic” or some such thing. No way was I going to wear a shirt that said “fantastic” right across the bustline. Sorry, Feria Dude, no comprar. Don’t you hate it when the writing on a shirt totally ruins it?

I was busy doing other things yesterday and suddenly ran into a tech emergency. Of course, that’s when these tech emergencies happen. When you’re busy trying to use your computer and it dies on you. So I stopped in my tracks and fixed it, which took a few hours, but in the process I discovered a few new tricks that might help others who are colorblind like me.

You folks know I use f.lux to help cut down on blue light after sundown. This helps with insomnia immensely, in fact, in my case, cured it completely. I had the worst case of insomnia I’d ever heard of. So while I had this tech emergency I went and double-checked to see if f.lux had perhaps caused the problem. I can assure you that this had not caused the problem and there don’t seem to be any viruses nor toolbars nor adware associated with this program. This isn’t the same as the flux dot exe virus.

So I kept on doing my detective search for the cause of the problem. I looked into extensions. I found out just out of random curiosity that Google Chrome offers a blue light blocker on its browser. I would NOT suggest using it if you are already using f.lux. However, if f.lux isn’t working for you, or if you are having compatibility issues, try the chrome extension instead. It will only work for chrome and won’t block blue light from other programs. F.lux will change your entire screen. Keep this in mind. F.lux is a powerful program, entirely free.

For me, I have terrible trouble seeing the screen no matter what. I can’t read text the way it is. I cannot understand why they decided to make text very light gray with a white background. That was just plain cruel. I can’t see it. It’s like barely there. I struggle too much. I have had trouble distinguishing periods from commas and colons from semicolons for years.

I found the solution yesterday. At least when it comes to my browser. I use Chrome, and you can find this if you look in the Chrome store. It’s free. The best option seems to be “Hacker  Vision.” What it does is to replace the colors. You can try it and you will find it’s a lot easier to read text in the Chrome browser.

If you find you need to enlarge your view quickly, here’s a quick way to do it. Press your control key, hold it, then press the + sign. To quickly reduce, press the control key, hold it, then press the – key. Sometimes this will enlarge the entire screen and sometimes just the text. You can make it do just the text, or everything, depending on what application you are in. Usually this means going through “settings.”

Do you want to know what my tech problem turned out to be? These darned Win8 screens are a bitch. They crack if you breathe on them.

So one day, I looked into my Win8 touchscreen, and said, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall….” Well, why not? These screens are far too shiny. Might as well put them to practical use.

I got the rude response. I didn’t know it, though. I can’t see well enough to see some tiny microscopic crack. It’s most likely been sitting there for a week just to annoy me. Yesterday my whole system went manic. Windows closing, windows opening, programs jumping around. I tried giving my PC some Haldol. It gave me a line about forced drugging. I was so pissed. How dare it! Insubordination! Oh well, it takes after its mama. I trained it well. I got a junior activist here.

I had to disable the touchscreen to make the machine at all usable again. You can do this via “pen and touch” settings in “Control Panel” if the updates haven’t obliterated this option, or do it the way I did, through device manager. It’s too expensive to replace the touchscreen and just think: if I did, it’ll crack again as soon as I say, “Mirror, mirror.”

I might say, “Google” and be misheard, after all. They say in this day and age, you gotta watch what you say. Big Brother is cracking the whip.


This will be a citation-free blog from now on.

I read somewhere that the marks of credibility in blogging include the following:

Contact information about the blogger and an actual name.
An explanation of who the blogger is and some background information explaining the site’s mission.

Citation of sources.

There were probably more items but these were the three biggies. I also read an article stating that an overwhelming majority of blogs on eating disorders contained “misinformation” or were “bad blogs.” This statement was made by researchers working for some big hospital.

I’m not impressed with this “research,” and I’ll tell you why. They were trying to steer young, impressionable patients away from blogs such as mine. However, this is a personal blog, not a blog written by a treatment center claiming to be the cure-all and end-all. What I write here is my own experience.

If those researchers were here right now, I’d ask them, “How can a personal blog, containing real-life experience and real feelings be ‘wrong.’?” Since when are feelings wrong? If I go to two restaurants and I find one has yummier food than the other, is my opinion invalid? Is my experience eating at these restaurants incorrect because I didn’t quote Wikipedia on the definition of “take-out”?

Get real. I really have been dealing with serious eating problems for decades. Since when does a doctor who has never experienced these things know more about what it’s like than I do? I don’t buy the “they can empathize” bit. I’ve rarely seen one that was THAT good at empathy. Oh, they play the part at first, but don’t forget, they make good money keeping you satisfied.

I left the USA because I had no voice in my community anymore. I was told to shut up over and over. I was told countless times that I was not wanted there. I was told I was worthless. I am tired of having to “prove” that something happened by snapping a picture or running a hidden tape recorder because I feel if I don’t, some idiot is going to say I’m delusional and it never happened. I’m tired of feeling like I have to say to SOME people, “This is true because the doctor said so.” Or, “I know this as a fact. It was confirmed by my doctor.”

Now wait a minute. A person without a known diagnosis can say, “I fell and scraped my knee,” and doesn’t have to do a zillion things to “prove” that what she is saying is true. A person without known diagnosis isn’t going to be doubted. However, if a person is known to have an MI diagnosis, she is deemed incorrect and everything she says is discredited by others. That’s why, I had the knee-jerk reaction of feeling scared to death that I wouldn’t be believed, scared of being called a sicko one more time.

However, none of that is truly necessary, is it? I don’t have to prove myself. If I say it was raining on a certain day, you can “double check” my credibility, knowing I’m a mental patient…or how about this: Treat me like anyone else.

That said, to provide “doctor” verification is unnecessary, unless, of course, I talk about how I feel about “doctor.” These are my real experiences here. If you want statistics, go elsewhere. If you want research (which is probably influenced by its funding sources, and uses you as guinea pig) go elsewhere. If you want to hear from a person who has certainly BEEN THERE, you’ve found the place.

Techies make people smile

I love making people happy, don’t you? I poking around with someone’s tangled cords and figuring out which one has the loose connection. I love being like a detective, finding bugs in the system or maybe a lost file. I knowing maybe I’ve taught someone one thing they can now do on their own so they won’t need me next time things go wrong. I also love being able to say, “If it happens again and you get stuck, just give me a ring.”

I think it’s funny that techies are in the “making people happy” business. Who’d have thunk it? When we consider such stuff, we think of happy pills and pushers, or maybe going to get a massage. Maybe we associate happiness with immense wealth. Maybe we think of lying on a hammock in the sun, of vacations, cruises, spas, and luxury vacations.

But no, happiness really comes from very simple things. The gadget didn’t work before. Suddenly, all the lights start blinking again and we hear, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” The whole world’s rocking again. I can dig that, can you?