Is nothing solved? Is it endless and pointless altogether? I recall the reaction, or, rather, the things that filtered down to me after Rachel Klein’s death. I couldn’t believe what I heard, but it all makes sense now.
“She was always unhappy.”
“She was suicidal. This was inevitable.”
“We never even liked her. We didn’t want her around.”
I was shocked, but not so shocked. I knew people had said this about me, too, and they used it as justification for rejecting me and refusing to be friends with me. Thus, it was all an unending cycle of social rejection. They’d reject me, so I’d get more frustrated and unhappy, and this, in turn, people used as justification for staying away.
I used to ask myself what would happen if I died. I think I can answer that question just fine. People would say the same stupid shit about me that was said about Rachel.
The more I think about Rachel, the more sorry I feel. She was caught in a very bad loop.
I’m awfully glad I am not dead. I’m glad I got away, away from that dreaded cycle. What will happen now?
I’m settling down here, feeling more secure with my surroundings. I’m developing kind of a daily routine. I’m sleeping better and better at night, and feeling less exhausted during the day. Sometimes I dread something going horribly wrong, but so far, this hasn’t happened.
If anything gets screwy, I won’t hesitate to pack up and move in a flash. I know better than to try to fight nasty rumors, so should they develop, I’m outa here. It’s like a forest fire. Do you stay and try to beat the flames with a flyswatter, or do you run like mad?