Give me two secs to feed Puzzle and I’m going to start.
I wrote to the Grub Street School, this so long ago, and there have been e-mails back and forth. I’m looking for a tiny bit of coaching help. I would be paying for it, but the response, after all that, has been a flat out NO. Still trying, but it looks like I won’t be able to get someone, not from there.
These e-mails have been going back and forth since December. I feel stupid now. Who am I? A peon. No social standing. So few people will even carry on a real, spoken conversation with me. My general experience is this NO from over 99% of people I approach.
Will you be my friend? No.
Further explanation: I refuse to be friends with anyone with “problems.”
Will you at least speak out loud to me once or twice? No. Can we meet for coffee? No.
Further explanation: I can’t get anything from you. You don’t have a car, you have no money. You live in a crap apartment. You’re ugly. I can’t use you as a stepping stone to meet other great people cuz you don’t know anyone. You are of no use to me. I don’t want to waste my time.
(To a doctor): Will you please pay attention to my concerns about my body and give me the appropriate medical care? No.
Further explanation: I don’t dare give you proper medical care. It will ruin my reputation. Even though I know you aren’t crazy, I don’t want to rock the boat and be oppositional to the other ones who claim you are.
So I’m so accustomed to being turned away. By over 99% of people I ask. You guys may remember I made hundreds of calls trying to find a “therapist” over the past few years until I finally gave up. So why did I expect Grub Street, or anyone anywhere, to be any different?
Why did I waste the past few weeks in this “waiting” limbo? Thinking I couldn’t get the project off the ground without this magic “help”? There is no “help.” Apparently even if you pay for it. Not if you are me. No such thing as teamwork when you aren’t even allowed on the team.
When you are just a peon, you learn that you gotta “do it yourself.” Why? You have no choice. You stand alone. And you become very, very strong because of it, a massive force to be reckoned with. That’s why I’m alive today. In fact, I’m more than just alive. I am a writer. Not everyone can say that. I like the person I am, and am continuing to become, and I can get through this.