I made a video last night, but it isn’t posted yet. I wrote the text last night all at once and was pleased. It took under two hours to complete it, and I felt so inspired that I did the reading in front of the cam right then, even though it was late. I decided to go to bed and “sleep on it” before posting to You-Tube. I ended up deciding I wanted to change it a bit, so I’ll be re-recording as soon as possible and getting it up there.
I lay in bed and thought about how proud I was that my mind works so well now, how easy it is to put together a piece of decent writing, and how when I was starved, it was so much more challenging. I had been unable to think clearly while I was eating so little. To be able to get my mind working again…it’s like coming out of a deep cave, and now, I can see daylight, as if I had never been buried.
And yet, I remember, and I’m sure glad I do. I remember being starved and feeling like I’d never come back from that dark place. It was so scary thinking my mind was permanently shot. I had assumed that this wall between myself and the world, brought on by my inability to express myself properly, was there for good. It was an awfully lonely place.
I’m not there anymore. I’m capable and strong. I can think clearly and I can write like mad. I piss people off and I love that part of myself. I’m that rebel kid, the awkward Jewish girl with glasses who was a head shorter than all the other kids, that brave kid who stood up in class and protested homework, saying we should all be playing in green grass. I’m me, the person I was always was meant to be.