How to write while exhausted (these instructions especially applicable for those of you with MFA in Creative Writing degrees, and anyone else that dares to write)

In case you were wondering how I got so funny lately, it’s cuz I write while half asleep.  There are those writers who have mastered writing late at night or writing in the early hours, but me, I’m tired all the time, any ole time of day no matter when it is. However, I deal with it.

That’s part of life.  It’s part of having kidneys that don’t work too well.  It’s more or less a given that if your kidneys don’t do their proper job, your blood isn’t going to be good quality.  There’s not much that can be done about that except to get used to it.

Trust me, the anemia thing and being tired all the time is the least of my worries and I cope fine with it.  If YOU have a problem coping with it, go to hell.  I dealt with far worse while doped up on very bad drugs during much of my life.  I’m thinking of my late 20’s.  I could barely write a sentence.  I couldn’t walk properly.  My hands and gait were unsteady.  I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning due to dopiness on the drugs, and I was too sluggish to walk the dog.

Think about it: in my late 20’s, all I wanted to do was to smoke cigarettes and watch TV.  Now, I am motivated to help others and to change the world.  I have big dreams.  I am determined to get out of the hellhole I’m in.  I’m functioning far better now than I was then.  Sure I bitch and moan, but I’m so darned persistent.

So here are a few tips:

1) If you are exhausted, write while lying down.  Didn’t we do this as children?  Sure we did.  It was considered a girly thing, to write in our diaries every night by the light of a night light.  My parents gave up begging me not to use the night light to see by.  They’d tried to convince me that I’d go blind if I kept doing that. I’m not blind yet.  So at least those of us sneaky ones that did this as kids far past bedtime already have the Writing While Lying Down skill.

Nowadays, we are blessed with terrific Writing While Lying Down technology to assist us writers.  We have Dictaphones, text-to-speech software, word complete, various detachable keyboards you can use (instead of having your laptop turn you into a furnace), and all sorts of pens and pencils that will write even while upside-down.  You can put on a headset and speak into it.  There are various tablets and all kinds of tables you can put on your bed or sofa.

2) Now that you are nice and cozy in bed, have your dog curl up right on top of you while you write.  This will surely enhance your writing, depending on the size of your dog and whether or not little Fido starts to snore. If he does, kick him off.  Time to start a new chapter.  Or maybe tell him, “Aw, baby, I didn’t mean it, let’s cuddle and take a snooze.”

3) Don’t sit for long periods.  If I do that, my legs start to swell up.  So from now on, everything you write is going to be in these short, sweet little packages that deliver a punch.

4) As you start to fall asleep while writing, lose track of what you are writing about and change the subject, totally confusing your readers, then leave them hanging and don’t wrap up what you were saying.  Call it quits and go to bed.  End with some stupid joke that only insiders get.  Make excuses for your behavior.  After all, you’re tired.  Everyone should understand.

Feedback and comments welcome!