My friend called me, that is, I received a real phone call yesterday. I suppose that’s enough reason to live.
Even though I hate my life and wish I could end it, I am still alive anyway. I hate humans but my friend called and said (this really is wonderful)
“Julie I care about you.”
Wow, I could kiss the sky hearing that. Cuz when someone says it and they obviously mean it, that is, it isn’t lip service (believe me, I can tell) then what does it mean if you really wish you were dead? It smashes any action I take to make myself die to bits.
I care about my friend, too, a whole lot. No way do I want to make her ever feel obligated to keep me alive. That’s far too much to put upon someone.
I love it that one person on the planet actually believes my words and knows that I was abused and knows I’m not lying. I love it that I didn’t have to pay her, either, the way you pay therapists, and it wasn’t her job (and therefore, her duty) to say “yes” to me (whether they mean it or not), nor did I have to twist her arm and I wasn’t the one to call her first. She never makes up excuses like most humans. I always recognize their excuses and lies. Or when they say “yes” but inside, they believe I’m crazy.
I think that’s the way life is supposed to be in the first place,. Having caring people in your life. Most people do have lots of caring friends and family too, but I missed out somehow ages ago. Humans are a fickle, cruel bunch.
I hate my life and I hate the way people treat me. I hate the way they look at me and I hate my situation and I hate the discrimination. I hate being not listened to, brushed aside, put on waiting lists indefinitely. I hate the way people talk about me within earshot in the third person like I don’t have feelings, like I’m not human, like I’m my disease and there’s no human inside, no person. I hate the abuse and then the denial of that abuse and claims that I’m making it up. It’s so easy and tempting for abusive, manipulative people to take advantage of someone they think is weak and maybe “out of it.” Do you think they will fess up to the abuse? Obviously not. They know they will get in trouble. They are liars, the whole lot of them. It’s only logical that they would lie to keep themselves looking like law-abiding, okay professionals when really, they aren’t.
Staying alive is intolerable to me at the moment, but I cannot let my friend down. I won’t do that. Not someone who is such a good quality, caring and sincere person like she is.
So, another day goes on. Dang. I plan to stay in bed today. I feel physically sick.