If I die tomorrow, it’s because of the abusers, and all those who have turned their backs on me

I don’t know what to say except I tried.  I begged for help.

Last February I saw a therapist I got referred to by a stranger.  I was told this guy was “amazing” and a miracle worker.  Folks, stay away from these people.  I really should tell you his name cuz I’m not likely to live long enough to finish filling out the complaint form.  He had no boundaries.  He was no miracle worker.  He called me “Honey” as soon as I arrived.  None of what this “therapy” was consisted of “energy work” as the stranger had mentioned or his out-of-date website (and out-of-date photo and address) state.  He “talked” to me.  I saw him three times.  I told him i had medical issues.  He seemed to have no medical knowledge and was mostly concerned that I wouldn’t pee on his furniture. I told him this was not the problem.  I don’t think he knew what eating disorders were, though he claimed to.  On the third visit, I told him I intended to kill myself.  He obviously didn’t take me seriously.  He poked fun at me and told me to jump off a bridge.  He told me about many Jewish doctors who sexually abused their patients.  He told me he couldn’t see me for another two weeks.  He invited me to a writer’s conference and offered to pay for my ticket.  He told me how he dumped his ex-girlfriend.  Then he ate food in front of me.    This was his answer to my suicide?  I walked out of there feeling totally not cared for and bewildered.  Two days later I phoned him to tell him he was fired.  He said, “So we’re done?”  I said, “Yep, we’re done.”  He said, “I love you, goodbye,” and slammed down the phone.  His name is David Joseph Alpert.  Never see this faker.  Yes, he’s licensed but a total jerk and a liar, not a healer like his website states.

Afterward, my psychiatrist wouldn’t even listen to me.  I told her he’d been abusive and she only yelled at me for “firing another one.”  She didn’t care.  I felt horrible about not being listened to and yet another person not caring.  I wanted to report him and people who believed me said I definitely should.

I remember I switched health plans after firing Dr. P in July.  I walked into a new therapist’s office July 18 expecting to be sitting with a person who at least cared and listened and was concerned.  Instead, I got yelled at and threatened.  The therapist wasn’t knowledgeable at all.  I suppose if the person had listened and cared and been concerned about me at all, none of what had followed would have occurred.  I phoned my PCP and she got me another therapist.

The next one told me right away he had no knowledge of eating disorders.  He flat out told me for that reason he refused to treat me.  Then he told me my degree was useless and I should get a job.  I thought, “I feel like I’m gonna pass out I’m eating so little.  How am I supposed to get a job?”  But I walked out of there feeling unheard and uncared for.  He referred me to someone else.

By the time I got to the next appointment, it was already August.  I was hating my health plan.  I still do.  The therapist seemed nice and told me she could only see me once a month.  We got as far as “Where do you live?  Who lives with you?” and then the session was over.  She told me to go to my “social worker.”  I thought, this is stupid, they no longer have real social workers going to poor people’s houses anymore.  That was in the 1960s.  This is 2013.  They only  have CBFS workers coming now.  The CBFS workers are people with cell phones and cars, which is the only qualification for the job, and they are hardly social workers.  This therapist had no knowledge of eating disorders either.  I hated my health plan and they seemed to have nobody there that cared.

Then you guys know I got sectioned to Mount Auburn Hospital and the abuse there.  I got acused of being suicidal and I wasn’t.  Oh no, not at the time.  I had no plans to do anything to harm myself while I was there nor was I strong enough to do so.  I had no intentions of “escape.”  I only wanted to get the hell out of there and come home and live my life again and be free.

But once out, I found that no one believed me that I’d been abused.  Not only that, but I am losing friends and I’m sick of calling people and them not answering their phones and  not calling back, and the unanswered e-mails.  People calling me crazy and a liar and ungrateful and a bitch.  People trivializing my eating disorder and putting down people with ED.

Staying alive right now seems pointless and stupid.  I’m physically sick all the time.  I don’t get validation and I’m tired of being called crazy.

If I’m dead real soon, it’s because of the abuse.  And because of those who turned their backs on me and didn’t give a shit.  And I think “tough love” is a bunch of crap, by the way.  It doesn’t work, it never does, and it’s bullshit.  Try compassion.  Try listening and caring instead of turning your back on a person.

i do know the difference between caring and abuse.  Don’t make excuses for these assholes.  I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of being told to forgive.  I’m done forgiving.  I’m done making excuses in my head for why other people were just flat out mean to me.  “Oh, this person was just having a bad day and they took it out on me without thinking.  I’ll let it go.”  No no no.  And I’m sick of being told I’m making it all up or imagining it happened or blowing it all out of proportion when I’m not.

So if I’m dead real soon, that’s why.  Cuz I’m very tired of the lack of compassion in this world, the lack of caring, and so many people turning away.  I feel trapped and cornered.  I am physically sick.  I have nowhere to go but to stay in bed, shut out the lights, and hope I can be comfortable at least for a while.  If I can lose awareness, so much the better.  Sleep is good when I can get it.

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