Desperation

I was okay a week ago.  Okay all week.  Then Friday I had to see that shrink.  I shouldn’t have bothered.  I should have canceled the appointment.  She was mean.  It was a useless appointment and nothing was accomplished.  She knew nothing about eating disorders.  The appointment was so bad that I phoned my health plan and complained about their so-called “behavioral health” services.  The person with whom I spoke was apologetic.  Incredibly so.  She said none of this was my fault and I shouldn’t have to deal with these practitioners who know nothing about eating disorders.  So they are supposed to get me a specialist outside of the program.  Now all this occurred on Friday, last Friday.  It’s Wednesday now.

I’ve heard nothing.  I’m counting on nothing.  This health plan has been nothing but disappointment to me.  Of course, I have the appointment with the other health plan coming up next month, but they told me over the phone that they very well could decide, after keeping me waiting a full three months, that they are going to deny giving me mental health services.  Isn’t that illegal or something?  I think it is.  Of course, just cuz something is illegal doesn’t mean people won’t do it.  Folks park illegally all the time, right?  Puzzle doesn’t have a dog license with the town, either, and that’s not legal, but she’s still a real dog.

So I told my friend about all this.   Told her about the yucky appointment.  Then, very suddenly, she was no longer my friend.  Poof!  Another one bites the dust.  I’ve been in a state of desperation ever since, I guess you could say.  Not right away but soon after.  I felt incredibly yucky.

I walked past the rainbow flag, the one my church flies, earlier this evening.  Actually, I walked right under that flag.  It flies right outside the church where the sign is out front.  So the flag is quite visible.  It’s a symbol of welcoming.

Now, I suppose that “welcoming” actually means the GLBT community.  But me, myself, I looked up at that flag and actually spoke to it while I walked under it.  I called it a liar.  Cuz if a church is going to be welcoming, that means everyone, meaning folks that are stuck with mental illness diagnoses, too.

Oh sure, the “mentally ill” are plenty welcome in my church.  Yeah, we are welcome if we take our meds and see therapists, and allow ourselves to be treated like three-year-olds, because, I suppose, that’s what we “deserve.”  Otherwise, we are pretty much not welcome as far as I can tell.  Cuz I’ve felt like a total bitch every time I’ve gone for quite a while now.  A selfish bitch and a sinner.  We don’t even have sin in my church.  So I looked up at that rainbow flag tonight and called it a liar.  To me, anyway, cuz I personally no longer feel welcome there, and haven’t for a long time.  I don’t even feel believed or trusted.  Not by anyone.  It’s almost as if I’m dangerous or something.

That’s the kind of attitude that makes a person really desperate, when the whole community turns against you.  I suppose, then, a desperate person does desperate stuff.  Maybe that explains Adam Lanza’s actions.  Or any of the other folks that did really bad, violent things.  People just can’t take being discredited and called a liar all the time.  People can’t take the abuse and the false accusations.  Enough is enough.

Yes, I’m trying to reach out.  I write about ten e-mails a day and I’m trying to get housing in another town far away.  I can’t get away fast enough.  If I had a car, I guess I’d pack up and live in it.

Most of my e-mails go unanswered.  The phone calls I make don’t get returned.  I hope the next time I phone a suicide hotline it isn’t a dud call like the last one.  I told you I wrote to the people who run these hotlines and complained.  I never got a return e-mail.  Dang, if I call again and the person hangs up on me, I think I’ll kill myself.  Go to hell, assholes.

 

 

 

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