It makes no sense….

Well, it does make sense but it doesn’t.

You end up in the hospital.  You almost die.  Now, you’d think you would end up with a bunch of get well cards, or flowers, or, maybe visitors flocking to your bedside daily?

Forget it.  Not if what you almost die of is anorexia nervosa.

You get hardly any visitors and no cards and of course no flowers and no one even wants to talk to you, anyway.  You are alone in that freaking place.

I blurted out when I got there that I starved myself because nobody gave a shit about me anymore.  If they really did give a shit, they sure had a weird way of showing it.

The nurses sort of didn’t believe at first because I seemed kinda sweet to them, why someone like me would end up so alone.  They couldn’t believe that my phone would go a month without ringing.

Guess they forgot along the way.  They never really noticed the fact that I got no cards or anything.  Guess they figured I was too “crazy” for cards, that I had no real feelings anyway, so maybe that’s why people just didn’t care.  Maybe I didn’t matter as much once they decided I was nuts.

The last day I was there, the nurses were getting all pals with each other, telling each other they were glad I was leaving.  Glad to be rid of me.

Not that I ever did anything.  I stayed in my room.  Every time I went out to ask a question, they’d yell at me to get back in.  They told me to press the “call” button instead, and they’d take forever to answer it.  Sometimes, I’d press the “call” button, and they’d turn it off and not answer at all.  I’d wait and wait.  Finally, I’d press the button again, and for that, they yelled at me, lectured me and told me I was selfish and that my concerns were petty.  Of course, whenever they asked me a question, I’d be halfway through answering it and they were already out the door before I even finished my sentence.

You couldn’t win with these jerks.  You just couldn’t.  You are at their mercy because you are too weak to move or sit or stand or walk.  You can’t even go to the bathroom on your own because you are too weak.   All I got was yelled at, told I was crazy.  If I wanted to tell them something, they’d ignore what I said, telling me over and over how nuts I am and how petty my concerns were.

And so, like I said, before I came into the hospital I starved myself because nobody gave a shit about me.  Those nurses sure didn’t give a shit, either.  All they wanted was to get rid of me.  Now that made me feel unwanted and unloved if nothing else did.

See ya later.

Oh, by the way, yes, I’m in a bad space.  And yes, I’ll get over it.  I’m just not sure how to get past all this just yet, but I will.

Feedback and comments welcome!