My Shame

Okay, I admit it….


I hid my scale today.  In a drawer.  Not that I haven’t hidden it before, in various places, but today it’s in a drawer covered by a towel in such a manner so that if you open the drawer you have no clue the scale’s in there.  I didn’t want anyone peeking under my dresser and seeing the scale sitting under there and thinking, “Oh, Julie must weigh herself all the time if she’s got that scale under there like that,” so I picked the darned thing up today and stashed it.  It’ll sit in the drawer until I feel okay about taking it out, like, you know, safe and okay and right and all’s clear now.


So I had a bottle of Pedialyte, which I think is how you spell it anyway, and this is stuff you drink that has electrolytes in it.  Now I was scared that someone would see this bottle and say, “Oh, she must be drinking that because she has an eating disorder,” so, I got my Exacto knife, and realized that I’ve had this knife since I was…23 years old…and you know something?  I bought this knife…guess why?  For “cutting.”  Oh, how ironic.  I have used that darned knife for years not for that purpose at all, but to open packages and for the purpose that Exacto knives are supposed to be used for.  See, I am not cut out to be a “cutter.”  It’s not in my blood.  I never got off on it, I don’t know why I did it for a couple of months or so, it never made me high or anything or gave me a rush like those myths say it does.  Not that I remember, nor was I doing it for “attention.”  Anyway, I’ve used that Exacto knife to open most packages that I’ve received over about 30 years or so, and have changed the blade maybe once or twice…rarely, cuz it’s not like you need the sharpest, most cunning blade, right?


So like I was saying, I got out my Exacto knife and cut off the Pedialyte label.  Why?  Cuz I was ashamed that some random person would walk in here, not that anyone ever walks in here, but if anyone ever walked in here and if anyone ever opened my fridge (I suppose they will the day I die, won’t they?) they will say, “Oh, she has an eating disorder and that’s why she has the Pedialyte,” so I cut the label off the Pedialyte so no one would know.  Now, it’s a plain bottle filled with water cuz the Pedialyte is long gone.  I don’t want anyone knowing.  But I get scared.  Night comes.  Sometimes, in the night, I get those cramps in my feet and my legs and everywhere I try to bend and kick Puzzle out of bed and stamp out my legs and I scream in pain and I want the drink real fast.


Not that I want anyone to know this, so these labels are hidden.  All kinds of things get hidden.


But I’ll bet you do this, too, don’t you?  Aren’t you ashamed?  Don’t you hide things, too?  Shove stuff in closets and drawers and in the bottom of the trash barrel so no one will see?  I think everyone does.


Love, Julie

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