Appointment today

Yes, on Memorial Day.  There are two people on the planet I trust.  This was with one of the people.  She is going to talk to my primary care physician and she has also talked to the head of  CBFS.  She said I needed medical attention RIGHT AWAY (meaning today) and that I should see someone today, but I guess that didn’t happen.

I told this person that I trust I may have developed refeeding syndrome a while back and that I told my shrink and my shrink ignored what I was saying.  This person said I need to have a full workup right away.  But I never got a call about an appointment so I guess maybe tomorrow.

I took a lot of drugs last night.  A lot.  Just to keep myself from binge eating.  I wanted to knock myself out totally so that I would be incapable of going to a store and buying binge food.

You know how when you go to drugs dot com, and when you look up two drugs, you get a “high risk” warning about mixing two drugs?  I mixed two drugs you are not supposed to mix.  I figured that way, I would definitely be really out of it and incapable of doing anything.

No, these were not illegal substances. These were over-the-counter stuff plus the meds I am supposed to take daily.

So I took my usual pills I take every night, and I took this over-the-counter drug.  The usual dose is one pill.  You are not supposed to take more than one in 24 hours.  I took one, and nothing happened.  I think eventually I took seven.  These are sleeping pills and the damn things did not knock me out.  This did nothing to stop me from binge eating.

All I could think about was that nobody gives a damn about me anyway.  I walked in front of cars.  Of course, I knew they would stop.  I wasn’t trying to get hit.  I just didn’t care.

Nobody gives a shit.  Of course, people say they love me, but it’s lip service.  Ask someone for real help, and they back off and lie and make excuses.

That’s when you get dumped. They start lying, then after a while, they just dump you.  Or they lie and lie and lie and you get tired of hanging out with chronic, pathological liars.

Today I slept all day.  My CBFS worker, who obviously doesn’t give a shit, called and I said I was very busy sleeping.  We made an appointment for tomorrow, that is, she said she’d call tomorrow.  I really think she cares more about her phone than she does about me, and I can’t understand her on the phone cuz she  mumbles.

Sleeping all day was truly a blessing.  It’s better than eating. Anything’s better than eating.  I’m afraid to put even one bite of food into my mouth.  I think I might go back to bed soon.  I hope I die in my sleep.

4 thoughts on “Appointment today”

  1. Julie, I am going to write to you later today since I’m presently working. I’m a reservations agent for a major airline and work today til midnight CST.
    I know you’re in a lot of pain, emotionally and from the physical stuff associated with ED. It’s good for you to vent your frustrations and pain, but I really hope you’re not serious about dying. I feel this way for two reasons; I care about you and the suffering you’re going through, and, what’s going to happen to Puzzle?
    These are just my initial thoughts on the matter. I’ll get back to you hopefully tonight.

    1. Hi Terrie,

      If I do have refeeding syndrome, then there’s not much that can be done, cuz it’s gone on for too long and I did try to get help but every time I tried, I was ignored.

      I told my shrink that I gained 28-1/2 pounds in four days and she just poo-pooed it like it was nothing. Went on and changed the subject.

      My CBFS worker told me gaining that much weight was “impossible.” Yeah, she knows nothing about ED. Went on to change the subject and ask me what my “goals” were. I told her my goal was to find a cure for ED that was non-coercive. Then get this: she walked out on me. Practically told me I was crazy, not in so many words, and that my goal was unattainable.

      It is only unattainable if I die. If I live, I will do this, I swear I will.

  2. If you truly want others to give a shit about you, you are going to need to learn to genuinely give a shit about yourself, which you don’t. Your defense of your maintaining a weight of under 85 pounds is proof that you give more of a shit about your illness than yourself. I personally don’t want you to die, however, it is impossible to “care” about you when you vehemently self destruct and then refuse treatment because you can’t dictate it. First step is to use your intelligence and logic to start caring about yourself. If you can learn to care about you, Julie Greene, the rest will fall into place.

    1. Did I say any numbers? No, I didn’t.

      I trust my dog and two humans. I had one appointment today (yesterday, actually. It’s past midnight.) She says I need medical help right away and what I weigh has little to do with what the problem is. And by the way, I don’t weigh anything close to 85 pounds.

      Like I said, I trust two humans and one dog. You are not one of those two humans. Sorry.


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