The things that led to my relapse (a word I hate to use) in case you are wondering

As you may recall, up to mid-April or so, I was doing extremely well.  But you may be wondering what the heck happened.  Or maybe you don’t even give a shit but I am going to tell you anyway.

I think to sum it up, there were external things that stressed me out to the extreme, and basically I snapped. By external, I mean these are not things that were happening to me mentally or physically, these were things that happened in my environment, my surroundings.  Some I could take action on and some I could not.  I don’t know if I should present these to you in order of appearance or as they occur to me.  I guess the latter.

First of all, I was doing fantastic until the 13th.  Now this was the night of the church talent show, a huge event at our church.  I was a little scared at the time cuz some binge eating had returned, I think, perhaps a week previously.  I think there was  culprit food that I needed to eliminate from my diet that I was not aware of and I am now aware of this food and I do not eat it.  The binge eating was only occasional and I was not overly concerned because I figured I would figure out what the culprit food was sooner or later.  So the night of the 13th, the night of the talent show, I was all prepared with my reading, and going off to church in a very good space.  I had not gained any weight from the binge eating because it was only occasional.  I figured the binge eating would go away as soon as I figured things out.

The talent show went well, except Puzzle’s manners were really, really bad.  There is another service dog that comes to church, and every time that this service dog is there, Puzzle cannot contain herself, and she makes little yipping sounds.  It’s annoying to everyone.  Not that I blame them.  I can’t get her to shut up no matter what I do.  If the other dog is not there, Puzzle sleeps through the whole service.  I do agree the the little yipping sounds are totally inappropriate.  But no matter what I do, I can’t get her to stop.  In other places, like restaurants, I have never had a problem with her yipping or making noise of any kind.  It’s only at church and it’s only when this other dog is there.  I wish I knew when this lady was going to not show up, and show up when she is not showing up.  But more on this in a minute.

So I pulled off my little reading brilliantly.  It was a comedy act and it went off great.  I got a million laughs and I felt good about it. It wasn’t just silly stuff, it had deeper meaning as well.  You know, I’m proud to be a writer.   One line I said was, “See you in church tomorrow.”  However, I have not shown up for church since.  I will tell you why.

I was walking out, just about to leave with Puzzle.  Now there’s this lady there that I have promised myself a million zillion times I will never speak to.  She is or was my friend but I cannot speak to her because she is demeaning and insulting to me, she puts me down every chance she gets.  She thinks she owns “recovery” just like folks in Alcoholics Anonymous think AA is the one and only way and no other ways are okay.  Well, in a very insulting manner, she invited me to some “retreat,” saying it was a very hard program, and then she looked me up and down (seeing how skinny I was, of course) and said, “Well, you probably can’t handle it, it’s too hard for you,” and said, “It’s the place I found MY RECOVERY,” like hell, like she owns “recovery.”  Then she said, “You have to eat there, you know, and you probably couldn’t handle that,” (again, drawing conclusions based on my weight).  Actually. at the time, I was doing very well with food.  I think it was she that could not handle this retreat and would find it too hard for her.   Then she said, “I’ve found a therapist now and am doing therapy.”  I told her I am happy to be therapist-free and found so many of them to be abusers.  She said, “Well, the therapy was probably too hard for you to handle.”  Meanwhile, sometime during this bullshit conversation, my minister walked by and I hope he heard some of these horrible insults.

Oh, such bullshit. Too hard to handle?  The therapists I saw didn’t know anything about ED.  The last one (right before the bogus one) kept repeating back to me everything I said to her and any reasonable conversation with her was like pulling teeth.  I’d finally tell her something I thought was reasonably important, something I thought she should pay attention to, and guess what?  She’d abruptly change the subject and talk about “goals,” or some bullshit like that.  I’d leave and tell myself it was impossible to tell her anything relevant at all.  I never told her anything about my ED, she pretty much didn’t care, and if I had, I’m sure she would have changed the subject or repeated back to me what I was saying, kinda like a robot or something.  I’d leave and say to myself, “Wow, I’ve wasted an incredible amount of time and the commute home is a drag.  I even hate the fucking waiting room here.” Where the hell was this lady trained?  Too hard to handle?  I do not like conversing with someone with  poor conversation skills. To that extent, yeah, bad therapy is not easy to handle.

So after hearing all these horrible insults from this lady at church, meanwhile I’m just about to leave, I felt terrible,  She had asked me to contact her about this so-called “retreat,” and no way do I want contact with this lady ever, ever again.  In fact, I do not want to be in church if she is going to be there, and she shows up just about every time.  I fear that she will approach me again.  I have told my minister about her insults.  At first, he didn’t react too much, and said that people are flawed and that I should try to let it go.

It has of course been over a month and I have not let it go.  I will not go to church because she is there.  I want to ask my minister if he happens to know if she has taken sick and is going to be out for an extended period, and then maybe I can show up and feel safe being there.

Now here’s another interesting part: She’s the owner of the other service dog. Interesting, eh?

So meanwhile, I have been told that Puzzle is no longer allowed in church.  This is legal.  Churches can say no to service animals.  But they say okay to the bitch’s service animal and I happen to know they have said no to someone else’s service dog and she got pissed off, and rarely shows up at church anymore…I think she used to be active in the church and now she hardly ever shows up because her dog was denied and the bitch’s dog is allowed.

I told my minister that it’s all irrelevant.  The bitch is at church (I don’t call her that in front of him) and theref9re, I will not show up.   He thinks this is sad and that I should let it go and put it behind me.

Well, of course I should.  But I can’t. My mind does not work that way.

I will tell you something about forgiveness.  When I forgive, I don’t feel better.  I feel worse.  I feel like crap.  When someone does something shitty to me and I “let it go,” I beat myself up for “letting it go” and wish I hadn’t.  When I go up to someone to try to make amends, they act all asshole to me and make me feel like a piece of shit.  They put me down and make me feel like a mental case and make it like it was all my fault to begin with, and tell me what an asshole I am.  I go home and cry and wish I never made amends with this person. There are no hugs and the person often does not apologize.  They say, “I’m sorry you feel bad,” which is obviously not an apology for their actions or taking any kind of responsibility for what they did, but just another put-down.  I beat myself up for approaching this person and wish I never did it.  I feel like I gave them permission to shit on me again, and often, they do, or they go shit on other people.

Summer services are coming up.  I know the bitch does not tend to go to these summer services so maybe I will go to them.  I will find out if she plans to go and if she isn’t, I might go.  And I will bring Puzzle.  Really, I don’t feel okay going without Puzzle.

And of course, I am not leaving the house and being seen in public, not even walking down the hall until I can lose the massive amount of weight I have gained, but I will get to that in a minute.  I am in hiding until I can drop X pounds at least.  Like I said, I’ll get to this.

So, those incredible number of rapid-fire insults on the night of the 13th of April that suddenly were hurled at me, this quite unexpectedly, this was an awful blow to me.  It was so hurtful and unnecessary.  I knew that this was a person I had promise myself I would NEVER ever speak to, because I know she is an insult expert, a very demeaning, controlling person. She loves to run other people’s lives if she gets the chance.  I did tell my minister right after it happened.  I went to bed and just didn’t get out.  I don’t know what happened after that.

I guess my CBFS worker came the following Monday and concluded that I was doing great and didn’t need to see me anymore, that she was transferring me to a “case manager” who would see me or call me like once a month.    This CBFS worker knows nothing about eating disorders, I just humor the girl, who is very nice but really the least they could have done was sent someone with some expertise.  She even left about 25 minutes early, concluding that I was doing great and didn’t need her.  She seemed very bored with me.  I haven’t seen her since.  I have been so sick.  I have lied to her, put her off, told her I had appointments, and it’s kind of her fault cuz she said she’d call back and she just didn’t bother, like once she said she’d call back in 20 minutes and didn’t bother.  I think like most of them, she doesn’t really give a shit about her job.  No way do I want anyone to see me fat like this.  Another time, the house was such a mess that I wanted no one in here, and I was too sick to clean up the mess.  Today seems to be Monday, guess I need to decide what to do when she calls, cuz I know she’ll call.  I’m too fat to be seen so I’ve gotta make up some excuse.  Maybe when she comes, I can be wearing footie pajamas and say I’m sick or something.  That’ll cover up how fat my legs are.  These PJ’s are really loose and they cover up a fat stomach really well. That plus she won’t see how swollen my feet are. But then what?   What will I tell her?  Lie?  I dunno. She knows zilch ab0ut ED, it’s like talking first grade to her.  I can tell her the swelling in my face is an allergic reaction.  I mean, it’s pointless to tell her anything cuz she won’t understand.  Oh, and every time she comes, she wants to use my bathroom.  It think that’s rude.  So the toilet has to be clean.  I mean spotless, no evidence of laxative abuse, if you get my drift.  The Housing Authority has given me the grossest toilet seat imaginable but I put up with it and I don’t understand how anyone can stand using it.

So that was the 15th, the day of the Marathon, and meanwhile, that bombing occurred while my CBFS worker was here, and of course I found out, not via TV, cuz I don’t have one, but via the Internet.  I eventually followed the thing and made sure a few folks were okay.  Then the next day I went running at the gym and that felt really good.  I ran 5k and I ran really well.  Afterward, I wrote about it in here.  But still, I felt shitty about the bitch that insulted me at church and I felt lousy that I could not go to church anymore.

I guess a couple of days later, I told myself, “Fuck it, I’m going to get down to 75 pounds.  Screw the planet.  I don’t care if I live or die.  I’m going to go on a long fast and see what happens.”  Well, this was Marathon week.  It also didn’t help that my minister was on vacation and he’s pretty much the only person I ever talk to and ever listens to me and the only person who really cares about me in a meaningful way.  He wasn’t even picking up his e-mail while he was on vacation, not that I blame him.  I think he really needed the time off with his family. But anyway, I stopped eating or taking in any calories altogether for a bunch of days.

And along came the Marathon bomber, straight to Watertown, my town.  It was 1am Thursday night and I had not eaten in god knows how long, but anyway, Puzzle let me know in the middle of the night that she was not too happy about something.  I had no clue that there was gunfire outside, of course.  Puzzle was crying like crazy and finally pooped on the floor.  This is rather rare, so I knew she must be incredibly upset about something.  I figured I’d give her a breather, take her outside, so I threw on some clothes and took her out.  She was scared, darting this way and that, obviously not happy about something.  It was not a “bathroom” or “tummy” issue for her, so I just took her in, which was what she really wanted, anyway.  She continued to shake.  I went back to sleep.  In the morning I found out on the Internet that our gym was closed and wondered why, then found out all the rest, that we were in lockdown.  It was day I don’t know what of my fast.    I continued to not take in any nourishment and followed the news.  At the end of the day, I had edema in my legs and realized I was going to have to end the fast or the edema would only get worse.  Suddenly, lockdown ended and they said they had caught the bomber.

Stupid me, I had not eaten for days but I went out on a binge.  Guess this was Friday night.  It was a very small binge because my stomach could not hold much.  Nonetheless, this is a dangerous thing to do, binge eat following a fast.  You can get refeeding syndrome.  I have told doctors the times that I have done this.  But this time, it has happened to extreme and I fear that I am in medical danger.  I feel that most doctors will just laugh at me, not believe me, not take me seriously, or tell me to try some “self control,” or whatever.  I will explain further in a minute.

So that was Friday, then Saturday I probably fasted or whatever, telling myself what a shit I was, still not gaining any weight.  My weight had been below 90 for quite some time and I was quite happy about this and satisfied with my weight, in fact for a long time I’d been maintaining around 90 and eating well, and it would go under and I was fine with that, too.  If it went over I’d get upset.

So then our church had a service about the bombing etc and I was dying to go, but felt I couldn’t because of the bitch and because I couldn’t bring Puzzle.  Actually (this is sad) I took Sunday church attendance off my calendar because of the bitch.  If she is going to be there I will not be there.

Monday my CBFS worker came and AGAIN was rude enough to use my bathroom (yes, I make sure my toilet is spotless) and left very early, seeming bored with me.  She knows nothing about ED and I just humor her and consider talking to her a waste of time.

The next big event, HUGE STRESS for me, was seeing my mom.  No, not my choice.  My brother pressured me into it and he brought her over to me.  The woman is a loud rude bitch and I should not be seeing her.  I have not seen her since the end of 2010 and have no intentions of seeing her again.  I will not be pressured into this again.  This was not healthy for me and did me no good.  Did it help her?  Did it make her happy?  I don’t give a shit she is a hurtful, rude, insensitive bitch.  And so loud the whole building could hear her and I hope they all had their hearing aids out.  So that was the 24th.

It didn’t take long.  People that are prone to binge eating react to huge amounts of stress.  This is a biological reaction.  It is not poor coping.  It is a built-in biological reaction to people whose brains have been wired for binge eating due to severe malnutrition.

I saw a study done on rats.  I have spoken of this study before in this blog.  I did not provide the link to the You-Tube because it’s a very hard thing to watch the cruelty done to the rats, at least for me, turning these rats into binge eaters to me is like the worst thing you can do to anyone, making their lives living hell.

Anyway, this is what they did to stress out the rats: they gave them electroshock.  I am not kidding you.  Yeah, ECT.  So the poor rats got very stressed out, and the binge eaters started to binge eat, I mean the rats they’d done very bad things to to make them into binge eaters actually ate inhuman  (or should I say unrat-like) amounts 0f food.

F0lks, this was so unbearable to watch, but the scientist who was doing these cutting edge experiments just HAD to know why rats binged and thought it would give us a clue about people.

So there I was, stressed out unbelievably.  I think I binged.  Or maybe I didn’t, the night of the 24th.  Then it was at 3:15am the 25th that a pizza arrived, delivered.  I devoured it in a matter of minutes.  I was a very large pizza.  Then I guess I went to bed and two hours later I had no clue what had happened when I woke up.  It took ages to remember. This, and all the blackout binge eating that followed, was the beginning of hell for me, and it has not stopped.

So I remained awake.  It was Thursday.  I am not proud of what I did next.  I have not told you guys yet what I did, but I will tell you.  I went to the food pantry and picked up every binge food imaginable, and some food for Puzzle.  I felt horrible when I left, telling myself, “These nice ladies here don’t know it, but I am about to go home and devour all this food at once.”  And I did.  You guys who go to food pantries know what kind of stuff they have.  Well, that’s what I ate.  It took about ten hours, alternating binge eating and sleeping, to finish it all.  Not that I brought home all that much.  And no, I did not eat the roll of paper towels.  That I left alone.  It felt like an inhuman amount of food and I promised myself I would not go to the food pantry again.  Yeah, like heck I’ll keep that promise.

So now I really felt like crap.  The next day I was in a complete blackout.  No memory of the day. Saturday I had to run an errand in Cambridge, that is, Central Square.  It really sucked.  I did the errand, then went to the Goodwill store. That much was good, I got some good dishes for cheap.  I stopped at the coop.  Fatal mistake.  I bought some spices I really like and a very small amount of peanuts, and that’s it, but it felt like the peanuts sort of set me off.  Next thing you knew, I was at Walgreen’s.  I bought a hot pot. I have a gift card there and the gift card covered the hot pot.  I was happy about this but of course, I could not leave without staring at all the junk food.  I didn’t buy, just stared.  Next stop: CVS.  Awful.  I bought candy, lots, and Pop-Tarts.  I don’t know how these fit into my bag, but they did.  On the way home, I tried real hard to get away with eating as many candy bars as I could without anyone noticing, which is pretty easy since folks play with their cell phones so much.  I stopped at Target.  There was no more room in my bag so I had them double-wrap some ice cream and a very sweet loaf of raisin bread.  These I held tucked under my arm but they were very well wrapped and I was certain they were not recognizable for what they really were.

It gets worse.  This already was a rather inhuman amount of food considering I was going to hold it all in my stomach and not throw it up.  People who vomit can eat so much more cuz all they have to do is throw up, and then there’s room for more.  Me, I hold it all in and risk stomach rupture.  So I just kept eating and eating, and half of this was in a blackout.  Next thing you knew, it was Sunday and I’m not even remembering what I am doing, I ordered a pizza, a huge one, and I devoured it.  This ran into Monday the 29th.

On the day I saw my  mom, I weighed (yes, I am going to tell you) 88 pounds.  On the 29th, I weighed 116-1/2.

Now tell me that’s not dangerous.  Tell me that’s not hard on your heart and your whole body.

Never mind I was fucking suicidal over it, out of my mind.

I have been told that since I ate an inhuman amount of food during that period, and experienced extreme edema, I very well could have refeeding syndrome.  Not just refeeding edema. but refeeding syndrome.

I can’t seem to get too many people who matter (that is, MD’s) to take me seriously on this.  Then again, I really don’ t care much.

I was able to stop binge eating at that point, for about a week.  I ate nothing but vegetables and managed, finally, to get my weight under 100.  I knew I had a long way to go before I would feel decent about my body again, but it was a start.  I was still going through a lot of blackouts.  Monday and Tuesday were a blackout pretty much.

There was another really bad stress in my life I was dealing with, the incessant beeping sound in my building due to the housing authority negligence.  Last  Tuesday, I went to town hall and complained.  I am going back to town hall again to complain tomorrow, because the beeping  has been bad this weekend and obviously the Housing Authority has done nothing.

So Saturday I had an incident of low blood sugar.  I was disoriented and everything.  I don’t want to go into it really, but I survived.  It was mostly cognitive.  Physically I could walk and everything.  It’s a heredity thing.  My mom has it, too.  When our blood sugar drops dangerously low, I mean 50 or lower, we don’t go into  a coma like a normal person would, instead we just lose it cognitively. So I was walking down a street I know well and had no clue where I was.  I got home, though, and ate.  Had no clue how I ended up that way or what was going on.  It took a day or two to figure out that low blood sugar was the culprit.

The next day was Sunday.  And no church for me.  The beeping sound was intolerable to me, stressing me out unbelievably.  I went out on a bad binge I guess.  I don’t recall the next day, I think I was in a blackout, or I did the binge in a blackout, something like that.  I know I went out right after my meds kicked in.  Must have spent the next day laying in bed trying to sleep it off.  Then Tuesday I went to see someone to talk about my ED, never mind who it was.  Wednesday I saw my psychiatrist, and you guys heard about that.  I have made the calls to treatment centers and I’m sure they will deny me, probably make suggestions of places that I have tried already, or places that have already turned me down or don’t take my insurance.

Meanwhile, the massive binge eating has continued and continued.  After Tuesday, the beeping stopped, but this weekend the beeping is back with a vengeance. I’m going to have to put a coat on (maybe a winter coat as hopefully it will be cold out) to cover my body and show up at Town Hall again and complain.  Tomorrow.

I really don’t want to commit suicide.  This is kind of a last resort if I really can’t get the binge eating to stop.  If it just keeps going and going and I see no end to it.  It was that way last summer and I came very close to suicide.  I really never told you guys how close I got and I sure never told the folks at the hospital in July when I got there.  It had nothing to do as to why I was “sectioned.”  The folks at the hospital were more interested in their ipods than they were in listening to me, so I never bothered telling them that I had made a very elaborate suicide plan and it got foiled (I fell asleep by accident) and so was unable to follow through.  I never told those therapists I had because they seemed uninterested.  I have not yet told my psychiatrist about my elaborate plan that I had, and how sad it was that I was in fact hospitalized for an entirely different reason and how sad it was that there was no one that I could tell until maybe two months ago about all the details and the reasons and everything.  I even had the documents with me at the hospital.  No one cared.  I could have read them to them, but no one showed any interest whatsoever.  They did not even know why I was there, and barely even cared.

All they wanted me to do was eat and not lose weight.  I felt bloated and fat and wanted nothing but to lose the bloated feeling.  I was so happy once I did lose the edema and felt much better, but I was unable to do this until I left the hospital.  I ate hardly anything while I was there, and they kept telling me I was losing weight and this was supposed to upset me but it delighted me no end.  I wanted so badly to be under 100 pounds at least, and was extremely upset once I left that I was still well over 100.  I still had lots of edema and it would take a long time to get rid of it.  For at least a week while I was there, I only wore a johnny cuz I was so ashamed of how fat I was.

My weight…well, right now, it’s intolerable to me.  I do hope I can stop the binge eating and I don’t care how I stop it, so long as it stops and I can get rid of this weight, I’ll be much happier.  I feel for people with anorexia who are forced to gain weight against their will, and then are unable to accept their new bodies.  Then, just like me, they hate themselves and have very little will to live.

I have no desire to go to a treatment center and then be forced to stay at this weight.  I have no desire to be brainwashed into thinking that I look terrific like this.  I think I look bloated and I feel horrible.  I can’t even walk.  I waddle.  I can’t bend my legs properly.  They don’t bend all the way.  When I lie down I feel uncomfortable.  In any position, I feel fat and uncomfortable.  I can’t go out in public because folks are gonna stare.  I hate the “waddling” feeling.  I loved the light feeling I had when I walked when I was thinner.  I know now if I fall, I’m gonna fall hard and it’s gonna be hard to get up, just like an old lady.  When I was thin, I could scramble up like a little kid.  I am risking injury like this.

I weighed myself a bit ago.  112.  Well, progress, but I still think it’s a disgusting, unacceptable weight and I feel suicidal at this weight.  I’ll breathe a sigh of relief when I go down into the next “decade,” but still, all that is unacceptable to me and I will still feel repulsive.  It’ll be easier to hide at that point, though, especially getting under 105.  My arms ended up getting fat, too.   Aw, man, that loss kills me.

See, I congratulate anyone who can go to treatment and then feel okay about weight gain.  Me, I’ve never felt okay about it.  I always feel shitty about it.  It’s always unacceptable to me.  Guess I need some serious brainwashing into thinking it’s okay to be at some weight I now consider a nightmare weight that now puts me into the throws of suicidality.

So that’s how I relapsed into binge eating.  It totally sucks and I feel like my life will continue to be living hell unless/until I can stop the binge eating.  I tried a nutritionist but it was a complete waste.  I can’t find a therapist, am continuing to make calls.  I might call NEDA tomorrow and give them an update.  I will be seeing the person I saw last week to talk about my ED, I’m seeing her and we’re trying to figure out what I can do to find a therapist and work all this out.  Wish I could see her…heck, every day for godsakes.  Only that would mean leaving the house with a raincoat on to cover up the weight gain.  Maybe I should just take a knife and cut off the fat.

Gee, what a grand idea.  Wish that would work.  I’m sure it’s been tried.  See ya later.

Feedback and comments welcome!