Update – anorexia

As usual, I’m beginning this entry in hopes that I don’t fall asleep in the middle of writing it, as I often do.  So keep that in mind.

I spend my days all day alone in a dark room, lying in bed with my little dog named Puzzle.  I cry a lot.  I don’t sleep much.  Not even at night.  I drift in and out of sort of a semi-sleep, semi-wakefulness.  During the day, of course, since I haven’t really slept, I feel very, very tired.

I don’t enjoy anything.  Nothing is fun at all.  I often ask myself if I’m going to drift off and die, but I end up not dying, and that pisses me off.

The phone rings occasionally.  Almost always it’s a recorded message.  Lately, it’s been from the town saying there’s no parking on the street for the day cuz the snow’s so bad.   I don’t drive, so I hang up.

I did get a phone call from someone, I guess today. When he called, actually, I was on the verge of passing out, but I didn’t say that.  He recommended medical marijuana for sleep.  He said once the clinics open in Massachusetts, I should be able to get some.   He hinted that it might make me eat.  Someone else I know said marijuana made her binge horribly, so really, I might be wasting my money, or falling into yet another living nightmare.

This lady at the suicide hotline said I should go into my psychiatrist’s office and demand that she find me a therapist.  Just insist.  What do I need another pill for?  Why am I a number on her roster when what I need is caring and compassion?  Where is love?

I feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for something to piss me off and send me over the edge.  But no, what  happens is I end up surviving, and carrying on.





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