Today I am firing my CBFS (Community-Based Flexible Supports, DMH) worker

…because I do not need this service and because these people do nothing.

Yes, she’s very nice, but this service is for people who cannot do for themselves.  I make my own appointments, go to appointments, take my meds thank you, get dressed, am a law-abiding citizen, do not stink, do not go to a “program, do not belong in a “program,” do not have a representative payee or guardian, do not need a representative payee or guardian, the rent always gets paid, this place is clean, I do not vandalize, I do not sell or do illegal drugs or kill or kidnap babies.

So what the fuck do I need DMH services for?

These services were arranged by my therapist, my abusive, manipulative therapist that I fired a year ago.  Her devious intention was to eventually pull me out of my home and into either the state hospital (so she said over and over) or into a “group home,” and that’s why she got me these “services.”  However, these people, J first (whom I got rid of), and now E, have done nothing.

J was lazy and that’s why I fired her.  She did not show up half the time and her unreliability was a serious inconvenience to me.  I’d want to go to the library, and I’d have to wait for her to show, and she simply wouldn’t.  So all was well and good.  It was all kinda ridiculous cuz she’d come and ask me how to lose weight.

Now there’s E.  She at least shows up precisely on time. This is impressive to me, cuz no one in the world shows up on time.  However, I realize now that I do not need her.  Who is the one doing all the work?

I am the one who fired my therapist a year ago.  I have gone out and gotten all the housing applications.  She has come in with none.  I have researched and called all the new therapists and found every new contact myself.  I myself got on waiting lists.  I made every single appointment.  I did all my own transportation and never got a single ride from the CBFS people (except when I got “sectioned” to a useless hospitalization, based on the fact that I had severe edema in my ankles, by threatening to section me, which is playing it dirty, don’t you think?).  I have found practitioners myself and she has found none.  She has come in with no lists.  I have found the lists myself by using the Internet or making calls.

So what do I need her for?  Of course, I don’t need her.

I’ve asked her to look up things for me, thinking she had some magic list, but hey, this list is called a search engine and I’ve got it right here in the public domain.  There ain’t no magic CBFS list.

I thought she could help me with goals, but I’m finding that she has no magic skills for helping people set goals.  All she does is ask you what your goals are.    I find that I can work on my goals in other ways than by talking to her.  I can write. I even have goal-setting software I got for free.

I have a new therapist who is action-oriented (really, it’s about time!) so I’m not going to be sitting around in an office just talking about how miserable my life is, I’m actually going to be doing something about it.  He didn’t tell me this, I just figure that my life is going to change if I stick with him.  So this is the first step, or one of them.  Get rid of what I don’t need.

I feel affirmed

I had my first therapy session with my new therapist and I must say, it’s nice knowing someone agrees I’m not “sick” and therefore “wrong.”  In fact, I’m quite right about a lot of the stuff I’ve been thinking all along.

He says many therapists are kooks.  He says my therapist whom I fired a year ago was too young for me, and too inexperienced.  I told him about her severe boundary problems, and how empowering it felt to fire her.  He said, “What were you doing with her, anyway?  She most likely had borderline personality disorder.  Many of them do, and should get out of the business.”

I’ll bet he’s right.  Something sure was wrong with her.  She was awfully manipulative.  She seemed to enjoy being powerful, and would tell me she was the only one who had the expertise to make me well.  When I was faltering, she’d tell me it was my own fault, and that I was not listening to her instructions properly.  She changed the rules all the time, rewriting our “contract.”

So we talked about my brothers, too.  Not that he said it, but I came to the following conclusion:  My religion, UU, tells me that there are no schmucks in this world.  However, people can ACT like schmucks.  My brothers are acting like schmucks, and my brothers, one in particular, have been doing so in a big way for some time.

You know something?  It’s up to me to stop them.  If my dad woke up right now from his grave (yeah, not exactly possible, but if he did…) he’d start up one of his lectures and not stop till the sun set a million times, cuz you’ve never seen such worse deviant behavior as you’ve seen right now.   Just cuz they’re younger, they think they can get away with shit?  Naw, they ain’t kids no more.  I’m the big sister, and I’m going to set them straight.  Knock their little blonde heads together, I will.

Disabled does not mean blind to the obvious.  Disabled does not mean incapable, nor does it mean stupid.  Hey, guys, I’m onto ya.  There are a couple of things my body won’t do: Throw up  is one.  Die is the other.  Sorry.

Yeah, those two are just waiting.

So that’s why no communication for the past 20 years.

So maybe I need a lawyer?  Or just a big mouth?  We shall see.

I made countless calls today trying to find nutritionists

So far, only one has called me back, with a negative.  This was the one I called before but I wanted to double-check that she was being honest with me that she indeed did not take my insurance.  She referred me to places I’ve already called and these places have already turned me down.

Medicare does not cover nutrition services for eating disorders, period.  This is the problem!  I am going to have to find someone who will take a small payment on a sliding scale.  Now, sliding does not mean $100 for fifteen minutes.  Sliding means sliding.  Sliding means for people who don’t have much money.  If I had the money, I wouldn’t need sliding, now would I?  But a lot of people ask for a sliding scale that can very well afford to pay.  No one should judge, though.  No one.

And yet…I was at the free vet about six months ago, and this lady behind me said, “I can afford to go to the regular vet, but I don’t go as a matter of principle, cuz I don’t think vets should charge so much.”

Well, damn it all, I’m pissed at myself for not suggesting, I mean really strongly suggesting to this lady that she leave a hefty donation to the free vet clinic.  There’s a donation box right there and no one’s pressured to leave anything in it.  But anyway….

Anyway….I’m waiting for calls from these nutritionists.  One, I searched high and low for her phone number or some sort of contact info, and could find none, so I paid Facebook a dollar to send her a message.  I told her that a dollar was a lot of money and she’d better appreciate my efforts.  I told her that was how important it was to me to find care.  If she appreciates this, then maybe she’s the one for me.

I’m totally exhausted.

The decision lingers….

I’m glad I’ve had this time to think.  Last night, I made a You-Tube but I’ve only posted it to Facebook and have not posted it to You-Tube yet.  I need to wait on it but it will be accessible to blog viewers here ASAP.  It is my video for the healthplace dot com’s Stand Up for Mental Health Campaign on stigma.  You’ll see.  It will eventually be up on the healthyplace dot com site.

I was surprised that I was able to concentrate well enough to do the video, because earlier in the evening, I was unable to focus at all.  I have no explanation and won’t question this one…I’ll just count it as a blessing, accept that it happened, and be thankful.  I had already written the script anyway.

So last night I was supposed to phone the Crisis Team and “check in,” which I did.  These guys…I guess 90% of their clients do not know how to operate computers or have online access…so I hear…so they are not accustomed to hearing about “editing movies,” “uploading,” and the like.  They asked who I was doing the video for and I talked about “empowerment” and “stigma” and this I guess impressed the Crisis Team people (or scared them) and right now I guess they are wondering whether I really need hospitalization.

Furthermore…I have not talked about this, but my meds have just kicked in, and I seem to have stopped binge eating.  I wonder about the coincidence of this, but it has been about a week, which is the amount of time it takes.  I need to talk to Dr. P about this, to see what she thinks, but I may be right about this.  I also feel a lift in mood.   I went from zero to x mgs of this med in a week’s time, as much as my body could tolerate safely.  I am still not up to where Dr. P wants me.  I should be there tonight or tomorrow.

So that takes care of a good portion of the battle.  Meds are a band-aid, true, but they work.  For now.  I’d like to find out the real nutritional cause for the binge eating, but without a qualified nutritionist helping me, I am unable to get this information.  I need all sorts of testing including allergy tests, and I need to see a kidney specialist, too.

I’m not sure I metabolize a lot of what I eat.  It’s hard to explain this to most people.  Even most doctors don’t “get” it.  There’s a difference between digesting and metabolizing and I know the difference.  Things aren’t getting into my system. I’m pretty sure of it.  They’re just kind of floating through, enjoying the ride.

Anyway, despite it all, I’m relatively healthy anyway.  I don’t smoke, right?  I don’t do really bad drugs like heroin or cocaine.   I’m not addicted to sleeping pills or benzos.  For godsakes I don’t drink and drive and I don’t even drink and not drive.  I’m not addicted to TV or gambling or bingo or the State Lottery.  I don’t go to porn sites.  I think the stuff there would bore me.  I already know what body parts look like.  I’m much more interested in what people think.

I guess that’s why I’m a writer.  A scribe.  Someone who observes and records.  But more than that, or at least I hope.  Writers change things with their writing.  Writers change the laws.  Writers write the laws.  Writers change the way people see things and the way people think and feel about the world and their lives.  Writers move people to action.  Writers demand that we wake up and question our core beliefs.  Writers shake us in our boots.

You can’t get us writer types to shut up so easily.  We’re incorrigible.  We’re stubborn.  We’re rebellious.  We can’t help it.  We were born that way, born with pencils in our hands.

If I do show up at the hospital, you’ll see me at a desk, scribbling away most of the time.  But most likely, I’ll weasel my way out of this one.  I don’t think incarceration has any answers for me.  The answers are someplace else.


My decision…to go inpatient, or not?

I phoned Walden’s Admissions people, and they answered the phone right away.  I spoke at length with the person.  I gave my name and date of birth and info.  Someone is going to call me back, some intake person.  I think it will be a social worker or nurse.  So it will not be just a clerical worker or salesperson but someone with knowledge who will advise me as to whether I should come in for an “evaluation.”

I explained that my insurance only pays for inpatient, that I have Medicaid and Medicare, and that my lifetime inpatient Medicare days were used up years ago.  This means that if I am admitted, the hospital is using my Medicaid, and probably losing money on me.  I have to keep this in mind, that the doctor is going to know this and that they will have an “attitude” about me from day one.  On the other hand, as a Medicare patient, I still have Medicare rights, whether Medicare is shelling out bucks to the hospital or not.  Of course, this was not part of my discussion with the admissions person.  It’s possible they may choose not to admit me, though, based on the fact that I represent just another financial loss to them.


I got off the phone with the Admissions people and made a few more calls, but a bit later, the Admissions people phoned me back saying they were concerned about me and wanted me evaluated by the Crisis Team.  These Crisis Team people would come to my home.  I said I didn’t want the Crisis Team here without calling first and I didn’t want the cops here, no ambulances and no uniforms or stretchers please, cuz my neighbors tend to gossip.  They said fine, no cops, and they’d have the Crisis Team call.

The Crisis Team called and we spoke.  I said if I were to go in, I’d have to have someone take care of Puzzle, and we left it at that.  There won’t be anyone coming over, but I have to phone them tonight.  I contacted the person who took care of Puzzle last summer, but I’m not sure she can take care of Puzzle now.  We’ll see.

I guess I’m kinda cornered into it now.

It’s getting harder and harder to think straight.

I might be going back into treatment, voluntarily

…Mainly because I’m in too much trouble.  This goes against my core beliefs but at this point I cannot tolerate my life anymore.

A few hours ago, I passed out in the bathroom.  A few seconds before it happened, I knew what was happening and next thing you knew, I was lying on the bathroom floor next to the toilet in fetal position, wondering what would happen if I died there.  Moments later, I was shitting my brains out, but I’d managed to get up the strength to do it in the toilet, thankfully.  Then I was on the floor again suddenly and time went by.  A while later, I wondered if I should drink water, but my body rejected the idea.  I lay down on my bed until I felt better.

But it was yesterday, in the morning, or earlier, maybe Saturday night that I decided maybe to try treatment again.  With binge eating disorder now in the DSM-V treatment places are forced to take a good look at binge eating.  Before, they didn’t give a hoot and it was all about weight restoration.  Have things changed?  I was determined to find out.  I watched a You-Tube which I stupidly didn’t bookmark and it seemed that things have indeed changed.

I came to the conclusion that really, if you were going to give me a proper diagnosis, I don’t care what anyone says, I have both anorexia AND binge eating disorder.  Simultaneously.  Not possible?  Fuck you.  This has been the case all along.  I need treatment for both and never have gotten it.

But it is finally available to people.  Finally after all these years. Even to losers like me supposedly.  On paper, anyway.

So I phoned Walden.  Due to Winter Storm Nemo, the Admissions folk didn’t show up for work yesterday, but I called the desk and spoke to a nurse.  Now I know this guy but did not identify myself.  My caller ID looks like California because I use Skype.  He had no clue, and if he did, he didn’t let on.

Apparently, the binge eating groups are now held ON THE UNIT, not off as they were when I was on Alcott in July 2012.  This is quite significant because in July, the groups were only twice a week, off the unit, and they kept saying they were going to take me to the groups and never followed through.  It seemed that I was the only one that binged!  Not!  Surely, there were other patients that could have benefited.  It was all quite ridiculous that I was sectioned there and not given treatment for what was wrong with me.  That was why I left in disgust.

I questioned this nurse about how binge eating is approached.  Is the approach nutritional or behavioral or something else?  He didn’t know.  This is fine because I can find out today.  I asked if a certain nurse was working and he said yes, she is, but she works in a different capacity now.

The only advice I got for binge eating was “follow your meal plan.”  This was ridiculous since the meal plan given me was the same meal plan that everyone else was on and I was not properly nutritionally assessed while there.  They didn’t really sit down with me and discuss eating habits, they just insisted I eat and drink foods that made me very uncomfortable.  How can “follow your meal plan” work if I don’t drink juice or milk or soy milk, don’t eat chips or Lorna Doones or granola bars or Rice Krispie Treats, etc?

I wonder if I really didn’t give them a chance.  I told myself, hey, I have a scathing review of them here in my blog that gets visited several times a day.  That’s maybe a thousand visitors a year, even more this year.  If they do well by me, they will get a glowing review here, and that will be a good thing for them.  Do not so well and they’ll get another bad review.  It’s up to them and I have the power of the pen.  So it’s as good as money.

I’ll call today.  If they say I should come in, then I’ll make up my mind and we’ll see.  I will need someone to care for Puzzle.  If I end up with a nutritionist or social worker who treats me with disrespect and talks baby talk to me, she/he will get fired and I’ll insist on a new one. I will insist on the best nutritionist there, not someone who doesn’t give a hoot.   Or if the doctor does not listen or does not read my chart, he or she will be off my case.  No bullshit this time.

Staying by myself

Having recently been dumped by two more friends, I’ve decided to stick to myself.  Just stay home and be alone.  Not that I wasn’t doing that already…but at this point, it seems rather stupid to trust anyone or allow anyone into my life.

The last friend dumped me for absolutely no reason.  I didn’t do or say anything offensive to her.  Suddenly, boom!  She was gone without explanation.  When I called, she did not pick up or call back.  I called a second time just in case she did not get the first message, but after that, I wasn’t going to keep on calling if she wasn’t going to call back.  And no, she’s not “out of town” or “crazy busy” and there hasn’t been a “death in the family” as far as I can tell by her Facebook page.  She hasn’t unfriended me.  That would be rather drastic, I suppose.  What really gets to me is the “no explanation” part.

I don’t even want to show up for church.  I rarely go.

I don’t even have much to say here right now.  Except that humans royally suck.  You can trust your computer more than you can trust another human.  Sure, computers crash and are very frustrating and make you want to tear your hair out, but let’s face it:

A computer does not have legs.  It will not walk out on you.  Day after day, that bunch of metal will be waiting for you.

Don’t ever let your computer get stolen.

I can’t hug my computer, but my dog is good at cuddling.

Keep your life under lock and key, my friends, like I do, and you’ll be safe.