The decision lingers….

I’m glad I’ve had this time to think.  Last night, I made a You-Tube but I’ve only posted it to Facebook and have not posted it to You-Tube yet.  I need to wait on it but it will be accessible to blog viewers here ASAP.  It is my video for the healthplace dot com’s Stand Up for Mental Health Campaign on stigma.  You’ll see.  It will eventually be up on the healthyplace dot com site.

I was surprised that I was able to concentrate well enough to do the video, because earlier in the evening, I was unable to focus at all.  I have no explanation and won’t question this one…I’ll just count it as a blessing, accept that it happened, and be thankful.  I had already written the script anyway.

So last night I was supposed to phone the Crisis Team and “check in,” which I did.  These guys…I guess 90% of their clients do not know how to operate computers or have online access…so I hear…so they are not accustomed to hearing about “editing movies,” “uploading,” and the like.  They asked who I was doing the video for and I talked about “empowerment” and “stigma” and this I guess impressed the Crisis Team people (or scared them) and right now I guess they are wondering whether I really need hospitalization.

Furthermore…I have not talked about this, but my meds have just kicked in, and I seem to have stopped binge eating.  I wonder about the coincidence of this, but it has been about a week, which is the amount of time it takes.  I need to talk to Dr. P about this, to see what she thinks, but I may be right about this.  I also feel a lift in mood.   I went from zero to x mgs of this med in a week’s time, as much as my body could tolerate safely.  I am still not up to where Dr. P wants me.  I should be there tonight or tomorrow.

So that takes care of a good portion of the battle.  Meds are a band-aid, true, but they work.  For now.  I’d like to find out the real nutritional cause for the binge eating, but without a qualified nutritionist helping me, I am unable to get this information.  I need all sorts of testing including allergy tests, and I need to see a kidney specialist, too.

I’m not sure I metabolize a lot of what I eat.  It’s hard to explain this to most people.  Even most doctors don’t “get” it.  There’s a difference between digesting and metabolizing and I know the difference.  Things aren’t getting into my system. I’m pretty sure of it.  They’re just kind of floating through, enjoying the ride.

Anyway, despite it all, I’m relatively healthy anyway.  I don’t smoke, right?  I don’t do really bad drugs like heroin or cocaine.   I’m not addicted to sleeping pills or benzos.  For godsakes I don’t drink and drive and I don’t even drink and not drive.  I’m not addicted to TV or gambling or bingo or the State Lottery.  I don’t go to porn sites.  I think the stuff there would bore me.  I already know what body parts look like.  I’m much more interested in what people think.

I guess that’s why I’m a writer.  A scribe.  Someone who observes and records.  But more than that, or at least I hope.  Writers change things with their writing.  Writers change the laws.  Writers write the laws.  Writers change the way people see things and the way people think and feel about the world and their lives.  Writers move people to action.  Writers demand that we wake up and question our core beliefs.  Writers shake us in our boots.

You can’t get us writer types to shut up so easily.  We’re incorrigible.  We’re stubborn.  We’re rebellious.  We can’t help it.  We were born that way, born with pencils in our hands.

If I do show up at the hospital, you’ll see me at a desk, scribbling away most of the time.  But most likely, I’ll weasel my way out of this one.  I don’t think incarceration has any answers for me.  The answers are someplace else.


Feedback and comments welcome!