I might be going back into treatment, voluntarily

…Mainly because I’m in too much trouble.  This goes against my core beliefs but at this point I cannot tolerate my life anymore.

A few hours ago, I passed out in the bathroom.  A few seconds before it happened, I knew what was happening and next thing you knew, I was lying on the bathroom floor next to the toilet in fetal position, wondering what would happen if I died there.  Moments later, I was shitting my brains out, but I’d managed to get up the strength to do it in the toilet, thankfully.  Then I was on the floor again suddenly and time went by.  A while later, I wondered if I should drink water, but my body rejected the idea.  I lay down on my bed until I felt better.

But it was yesterday, in the morning, or earlier, maybe Saturday night that I decided maybe to try treatment again.  With binge eating disorder now in the DSM-V treatment places are forced to take a good look at binge eating.  Before, they didn’t give a hoot and it was all about weight restoration.  Have things changed?  I was determined to find out.  I watched a You-Tube which I stupidly didn’t bookmark and it seemed that things have indeed changed.

I came to the conclusion that really, if you were going to give me a proper diagnosis, I don’t care what anyone says, I have both anorexia AND binge eating disorder.  Simultaneously.  Not possible?  Fuck you.  This has been the case all along.  I need treatment for both and never have gotten it.

But it is finally available to people.  Finally after all these years. Even to losers like me supposedly.  On paper, anyway.

So I phoned Walden.  Due to Winter Storm Nemo, the Admissions folk didn’t show up for work yesterday, but I called the desk and spoke to a nurse.  Now I know this guy but did not identify myself.  My caller ID looks like California because I use Skype.  He had no clue, and if he did, he didn’t let on.

Apparently, the binge eating groups are now held ON THE UNIT, not off as they were when I was on Alcott in July 2012.  This is quite significant because in July, the groups were only twice a week, off the unit, and they kept saying they were going to take me to the groups and never followed through.  It seemed that I was the only one that binged!  Not!  Surely, there were other patients that could have benefited.  It was all quite ridiculous that I was sectioned there and not given treatment for what was wrong with me.  That was why I left in disgust.

I questioned this nurse about how binge eating is approached.  Is the approach nutritional or behavioral or something else?  He didn’t know.  This is fine because I can find out today.  I asked if a certain nurse was working and he said yes, she is, but she works in a different capacity now.

The only advice I got for binge eating was “follow your meal plan.”  This was ridiculous since the meal plan given me was the same meal plan that everyone else was on and I was not properly nutritionally assessed while there.  They didn’t really sit down with me and discuss eating habits, they just insisted I eat and drink foods that made me very uncomfortable.  How can “follow your meal plan” work if I don’t drink juice or milk or soy milk, don’t eat chips or Lorna Doones or granola bars or Rice Krispie Treats, etc?

I wonder if I really didn’t give them a chance.  I told myself, hey, I have a scathing review of them here in my blog that gets visited several times a day.  That’s maybe a thousand visitors a year, even more this year.  If they do well by me, they will get a glowing review here, and that will be a good thing for them.  Do not so well and they’ll get another bad review.  It’s up to them and I have the power of the pen.  So it’s as good as money.

I’ll call today.  If they say I should come in, then I’ll make up my mind and we’ll see.  I will need someone to care for Puzzle.  If I end up with a nutritionist or social worker who treats me with disrespect and talks baby talk to me, she/he will get fired and I’ll insist on a new one. I will insist on the best nutritionist there, not someone who doesn’t give a hoot.   Or if the doctor does not listen or does not read my chart, he or she will be off my case.  No bullshit this time.

2 thoughts on “I might be going back into treatment, voluntarily”

    1. Thanks so much, John. It looks now like now that I’ve initiated things they are sort of pushing me into it…long story but it’s going to be hard to weasel my way out at this point. I’m so against forced care, but inpatient is the only thing my insurance will pay for. Once a week therapy is not going to cut it, especially since I have yet to meet this new therapist and I don’t even know if he’s willing to treat me or if he’ll turn me away like the others. I do have a MindFreedom shield. I’ll definitely keep you posted.

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