I have stated that I plan to do a You-Tube about how I now see my life a little differently now than I did before. This is of course a good thing, given that I used to see before me nothing but a hopeless, tangled mess, like a ball of yarn that can’t be made right, and in order to undo the mess, you’ve got to get out the scissors and maybe a big chunk has to get tossed. So I thought there was no sense in trying at all. I figured some Act of Fate would come by with the scissors and I’d be gone in the trash and none of it would be in my control, or I’d just do the scissors thing myself and get it over with. But no, I don’t see it this way at all now, no tangle, no mess…it’s not like that. That’s not what I see.
See, skeins of yarn have to be undone properly. Some undo from the inside, and some undo from the outside. Some you have to put on the back of a chair and then sort of make them go around in a circle, and undo them. Some you have to rewind before you use them, and some you don’t have to rewind. Many have little “tails,” and you have to find the tail end that’s tucked into the skein somewhere. Once you find the tail, you’re all set, all you have to do is pull the tail, and the skein comes out fine without tangles.
Above all, if you look at the skein too closely, you’re going to be a fool. Step back and look at the skein as a whole. Are there instructions that come with it? Read them. Sometimes, the tail is tucked into the instructions. Now that’s something to think about, isn’t it?
You wouldn’t believe how obvious things can be once you take a step back and look at life from afar. Look at yourself as if you are someone else observing yourself. Laugh at yourself every day. Talk to yourself every day. You’ll be glad you did.
So I broke everything down into smaller chunks. Nothing is impossible anymore. Nothing is ridiculously overwhelming anymore. I’m working on a few things and those few things will get done.
Eventually, I’m going to be sleeping okay. This is my main challenge right now.
I have spoken with a nutritionist and I have a meeting with her tomorrow night. The weather is due to be crappy and I’m not looking forward to the trip over there even though it’s only one bus ride. We had a brief conversation and I have mixed feelings about what transpired but I feel that my need to meet with this woman overrides my hesitation. I told her about the muscle cramping I’ve been experiencing as well as the other physical problems I’ve been having. I told her I was kinda scared. She stated, without hesitation, that it’s clear I have some serious malnutrition problems and electrolyte imbalances and that she would like to meet with me at least once every other week for a while. She said I would have to be motivated.
I had packed far too much into my day tomorrow, four things, and ended up deciding to cancel two of them just to simplify things so I can spend as much time as possible lying in bed resting, which is what I normally do anyway. I have to be home so if the urge hits me, I can lie down if I need to and rest.
People don’t understand, if you have insomnia as severe as I have it, what happens is that during the day, all day long while the day progresses, you end up with the sudden need to lie down, and you have to do just that. You might not sleep, but you lie down anyway. I call it a “nap attack.” People mistake this for “panic attack,” but of course there’s no panic to it, it’s nothing of the sort. “Nap attack” is named after what the comic strip cat Garfield called it. The sudden need for a nap, the sudden, overwhelming fatigue that hits me so hard I feel like I’m going to fall over. I feel like I have no choice. I can’t take a shower now because if I do, I’ll fall over, so I have to lie down. Puzzle needs to go out, but she will have to wait until I lie down first. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written blog entries and I’ve been in the middle of a sentence and had to lie down. Often, the blog entry never got finished. It ended up in my drafts folder forever.
How long has this been going on? A year and a half? Getting worse, I’d say. I can’t freaking concentrate, either, that too getting worse. I have tried sleeping pills and my body still won’t sleep.
A word about this psychosis Dr. P claims I have. I’ve noticed that if I go into her office having not eaten, she tells me my sentences don’t hook up and that one doesn’t lead to the other. If I eat a good breakfast, she tells me how well I’m doing and how much sense I’m making. As a result, every time I’ve been a bit hungry during those once-a-month visits to Dr. P, she’s assumed I’m psychotic and has raised my antipsychotic medication.
Of note is the fact that I have rarely had my blood sugar tested, but there have been times that I have seen different doctors than my usual one, or there were reasons to do more comprehensive blood tests, so a blood sugar test was included. I’d leave, and go home, and then there were times that I received an alarmed phone call from some doctor a few hours later saying, “You should eat something or drink some OJ. I’m surprised you aren’t comatose. Your blood sugar is so low.” Each time that my blood sugar tested low, I recall experiencing confused thoughts and symptoms that a psychiatrist might mistake for “psychosis” or sometimes “mania” if they interviewed me. Well, there you have it.
I have presented this to psychiatrists a number of times, but they poo-poo it. I mentioned it to the psychiatrist at Walden when I was there last July, but he dismissed me, saying, “You don’t have diabetes” and he would hear nothing more. It was rather fruitless cuz he barely paid attention to anything I said while I was speaking to him. It was like speaking to a sieve. And of course it is common for people with anorexia to feel “high” while starving. People who don’t have anorexia are less likely to experience this high. I can see myself going off the deep end in my journal due to starvation, back a while.
So in conclusion…all I am saying is that I need this nutritionist appointment more than I need psychotropic drugs right now. Workable chunks, right?
Another weird body thing hit home today. Maybe a reason my body won’t sleep. I thought I might be coming down with the flu again. I feel crappy. So I took my temperature. Not with a cheap budget digital thermometer that reads all over the place and tells you you’re dead, but with a real glass thermometer that you put in your mouth that gives an accurate reading. I left it in a while, under my tongue. Took it out and was kinda shocked.
The lowest mine reads is 96. Well, the mercury, or whatever that silver stuff is, barely moved. The lowest my temp has ever been was once down around 95, but 96 is darned low. I waited a bit, and took my temp again, and then waited again and tried again. All three times were well under 97. My normal temp is 97.6. Hey what? Have I gone cold-blooded?
Well, gee, Julie, what did you expect? You have that stupid disease. Get real. Laugh at yourself, okay?