Two days of the higher dose of Abilify…can’t say I feel any different.
No, Dr. P, the reason folks stay far, far away from me is not because I make no sense when I talk. After all, I hardly ever talk to anyone, anyway. I hardly ever speak aloud except to Puzzle…or I talk to myself like a crazy person, mumbling away, pretending, when seen in public, that I’m talking on a cell phone.
Funny, you see a guy walking down the street gesturing and speaking in a very animated manner, and until the advent of the cell phone, you’d assume he was speaking to his voices. But now, no, he’s on the airwaves.
Occasionally, though, there’s no cell phone, no Bluetooth, nada. Yep, he’s a crazy. Just another guy off his rocker, or off his medication. Someone to be roped in and put away, surely we should not have to see him out and about like this.
Anyway, I think that no matter how many showers I take, I still reek. I reek of negativity. It leaks out of me and I cannot stop it. People notice, and they can’t stand being around me. So at this point, I’m not gonna hang out with humans and make their lives unpleasant any longer.
This is not a moral issue.
I told Dr. P that this has been going on for something like a year, longer I guess, not days, not a couple of weeks, and she did not believe me.
I told my T I have gone into appointments in the past, and lied my way through because of fear of being “sectioned.” What was I supposed to do? When you are scared, you do what you have to do to survive.
I am scared of those emergency rooms and hospitals, and all the cruel staff in those places. I envision whips and chains.
I wake up in the morning, having barely slept anyway, and wish I had died in the night. I beg my heart to stop beating. It won’t stop. What is day and what is night? Where is God? Where is my family?