I told you alls that I got kicked out of the “support group” I was in, didn’t I?
Well, here was the “reason,” or, shall I say, excuse: I don’t have a therapist. Policy is that you have to be in concurrent “treatment” with a therapist while in this “support group.” Now, they knew all along I did not have a therapist, that I had had one and fired her, but suddenly, this had become an issue. I think they were dying to get rid of me, and suddenly realized they could use this as a legitimate way to boot me out. Fine. I’m outa there.
I got kicked out of a group I actually liked back in 1996 or so. This was a real sin, actually, on the part of the group leaders. I remember the other group members couldn’t even look me in the eye after the group leaders did this to me. This is what happened. I was a member, a very good contributing member of a heavy-duty “therapy group” that met twice a week at McLean Hospital for two years. The group changed group leaders, but the group membership stayed about the same. So about once a year, or once every six months or so, we’d get new leaders. So we had these new leaders, Deb and this guy, trying to remember his name…he was a student….Allen or something like that. Anyway, I ended up in the hospital and had shock treatments. You guys know what shock treatments do to a person, right? They mess you up royally. Not only that, but I was getting wicked psychotic anyway. Poor Joe didn’t know what to do. He was at the end of his rope with the shock doc, Dr. Michael Henry, who insisted that I keep going in and going in for more and more shock, which was turning me into a basket case. Joe told me afterward that it was breaking his heart to bring me in for the treatments. He was wishing I would just refuse them. They would ask him to describe how I was doing, and he would insist that I was confused, and they would say, “Oh, she is depressed,” and he would say, “No, confused,” but they gave me so much of the electroshock that I could not think straight anymore. Finally, I was so confused that I drank water before the treatment, which you are not supposed to do because you are going to have anesthesia. So they “sectioned” me, thinking I had done this to hurt myself. But I had drank the water because as you know, I have diabetes insipidus, and I was simply thirsty! I get very thirsty every morning! So that was all it was. I was so confused, all I did was forget. Anyway, there I was, in the hospital loopy out of my mind, and poor Joe came in, shaking his head, saying that he really hoped they did not give me any more of those stupid electroshock treatments, and how pissed he was at Dr. Henry.
So I guess it was a bit later that the group leaders wanted to meet with me, saying that I had changed (gee) and that the group had evolved and that there was no place for me in it. This was not a group for wicked sick, wicked confused loopy people like me. So I had no group anymore. These newfangled leaders had taken over the group. of which I had been a member for a couple of years, and kicked me out because I was now “different.” Oh boy.
It sure was a blow for me. No one could make sense of this idiot move. And like I said, the group members, when I ran into them out in public, just turned their heads and pretended they didn’t even know me, like I was some stranger, some scum.
Well, so. You know, makes no sense. You have no T, you have no group. So you have nothing, nothing at all. Seems like they should offer the group to those who otherwise have nothing, don’t you think? Folks who cannot afford therapy, like at least they can get some kind of “help”, or stay connected? Jeepers.
Well, like I said, I start up with this new T on November 7th. So the group leader says to me that I should “try out the new T for six months….” Are you kidding? What if the new T turns out to be a bad match? Those of you with experience know that you can tell a bad T, or a bad match within two or three sessions at most. Not six months. Imagine the damage that can be done in six months! Geez.
I found a potential back-up that I contacted, but suddenly, I did not hear from her after I proposed a sliding scale amount. Was my proposed amount too low? Probably. This person said their scale was “generous” but my experience tells me “generous” generally is not generous.
I totally get that a person has to get paid, so if they are offering $60 off, that’s generous. But if that means I have to pay $60 a session, hey, I don’t have $60, see? That means $240 a month, which I don’t have. You know something? Shrinks that go on fancy vacations totally don’t “get” this. Shrinks that have their own cars and own their own homes totally don’t get this. Shrinks that think nothing of buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks every morning and wonder why I can’t just take a cab to their office…oh, don’t get me started.
So this new T, she’s covered on my insurance, or what they call insurance, Medicaid and Medicare. I found out that if you have both, they sort of cancel each other out when it comes to therapists, but if you have one or the other, it’s easier to get a therapist. Something about the paperwork. One is “primary” and the other is “secondary.” Now, you’d think it would be to your advantage to have Medicare pick up one part, and Medicaid, the state part, pick up the other, but apparently the paperwork is so rough for these therapists (so they say) that they just don’t want to bother and they never get paid so they have stopped it and no longer serve this population. So they claim. Oh, life is so rough when you are so hardworking and employed and pay taxes and have to deal with complaining scum like me.
Anyway, part of the above is most likely a bit true. So I will have a slightly open mind going in to see this T on the 7th. It’s completely doubtful that the “support group” will allow me back. I’m sure they will find some other excuse not to allow me in. I can hardly wait to see what these excuses will be. Maybe it will be a “delay” thing. Like, “Let’s wait and see,” and wait a few weeks and see how my therapy goes, or “Let’s talk about it,” and want me in there to talk to the group leader, and then they’ll decide I’m “not a good match” after all. Royally sucks, I know. I get kicked out of everything.
What is the magic trick to these support groups? Do they want a kiss ass person? A conformist? Someone who says “yes” to everyone and everything? I cannot do this. I tell it like it is. If someone is doing or saying something that I don’t agree with, by golly, I’m going to say something. If someone says, “I bow down to my meal plan,” I’m going to say, “Sorry, I don’t have a meal plan and I refuse to bow down to one or pay anyone to boss me around and run my life.” If this proves to be “non-supportive,” then I guess I don’t the heck belong there. Do they want only people who kiss their therapists’ asses and are slaves to their nutritionists? I don’t ascribe to that “lifestyle.” And yes, it is a fucking lifestyle.
No, anorexia is not a lifestyle. But being a slave to “eating disorders treatment” sure is. Going to weekly weigh-ins, twice a week therapy, showing up to nutrition appointments, being a slave to a meal plan, gee, that sure is a fucking life of misery, a “lifestyle,” isn’t it? I rejected it and I continue to reject it. I refuse to let others take over my body. I won’t let anyone boss me around like that. It’s my body and I decide what it will weigh, whether to own a scale, what kind of exercise to do, what kind of schedule to keep, whom to associate with, when to go to the bathroom, what to write in my journal, and you know what else? There is nothing wrong with me and everything is wrong with the System if they insist on treating patients like that. You can be free, too. Just don’t show up, cuz you don’t need them. They will try to convince you you do need them, but you can be free.
That’s why they kicked me out. Cuz I’m free, too free. No one can catch me now.