I just wrote this on a website and I might as well put it here, cuz I doubt my post will get approved.
“I got out of inpatient ED treatment on Feb 24th of this year. I did not have any aftercare because I am on Medicaid and Medicare, the public insurance here in the US. This type of insurance is what they give those of us that are considered societal leaches. Some folks will say that folks like me get health care for free and how wrong it is that they work so hard and pay taxes and get less. But the truth is that last February while in treatment I saw through all the BS, left and fired my therapist and tried to find another, and because I am on this public insurance…well, no one accepts this insurance. I have made hundreds of calls and am on waiting lists that have gone on for months and more to come. Of the few that take this insurance, many have refused to treat me because they flat out won’t treat severe cases. So the sickest can’t get help in our society. You even hear stories about people discharged from hospitals and “sent home to die” and these are the poorest of the poor. So I guess I’m just one of society’s disposables.
“But…I am a writer and my book is actually going to be in print in another week or two or three, very soon as it has already gone to the printers. I have met with my publisher and a bunch of other writers who have survived mental health “treatment” and we determined our niches. I told him and told everyone, “I am the voice for reform in eating disorders care.” I will be giving readings and doing a bit of public speaking as soon as my book can be held in a reader’s hand. I’m 54 years old and have seen a lot. I have seen a lot of coverup and lies and also I have seen compassion and caring and camaraderie. I have been locked up, tied up, drugged up, and shot up with electric current…and these are supposed to help my eating disorder? I don’t think so. These methods have yet to fix anything for me or for most people.
“Meanwhile, with my ED, it is just bad, bad, bad and I am all alone with it. My weight was very low but I binged and binged for months and gained weight and you can imagine what this has done to my self-esteem. I can’t get anyone to believe me how serious this is, either that or these professionals totally freak out and want to lock me up and treat me for some disorder I don’t have yet one more time.
“I go to these websites and read research on binge eating, and so many of these researchers and treatment centers state the the danger of binge eating is that the person gains weight and that being overweight has health consequences. So in putting it that way, this binge eating behavior doesn’t sound all that serious to the average person, because after all, there are a lot of people who are overweight and what’s the big deal, right? “So you ate a few cookies. Shut up and quit whining.”
“What I do find is that the truth is not so well-known and not acknowledged by many doctors. Stomach rupture is a huge risk, and it becomes a higher risk the more years you have engaged in this activity. Intestinal rupture is also a risk. Going from very low blood sugar to very high blood sugar in a short period of time I’m sure has incredible risks. The health issues associated with rapid weight gain are indeed acknowledged by the medical profession. If a patient is anorexic or starving and engages in massive binge eating, the risk for refeeding syndrome hits the roof. And of course, binge eaters often have low self esteem, and the behavior makes us more and more depressed so we run the very real risk of suicide.
“My ankles are so swollen that I can’t get most of my shoes on right now. I have been getting Charlie horses all over my body in places I didn’t even know I had muscles. I have the constant feeling like I have the flu, but I don’t, I just feel headachey, sluggish, feverish, dizzy, and exhausted. I have not had a decent night’s sleep in a year and I’m always medically dehydrated no matter how much I drink. Sometimes, I just plain collapse in exhaustion and depression.
“They don’t know how to treat this. The treatment place I went to had no answers because they in fact didn’t care what I did, they just wanted me fattened up and out of there and they wanted to shut me up because I told the truth. A lot of people told me, “It’s good to binge cuz then you’ll gain weight. Keep on bingeing!” Well,I think this is going to kill me, only because of all the lies and ignorance about eating disorders that’s out there.
“Sorry to be a downer. It’s 6:30am on the east coast of the US here.”
I’m sure this comment won’t end up visible on the board. It’s one of those websites where you’re only supposed to post positive, rosy stuff about how great life is. I suppose most of the people there are either positive and hunky-dory wonderful, or they aren’t positive and their posts don’t get published.
Kinda sucks, huh?
I belong to a support group for people with ED. I’m glad to belong to this group and I’m so happy that I was even invited. But as usual per ED group, there’s this policy that we can’t talk about “behaviors.” Well, get this: I can’t even use the word “binge” in a sentence and if I do, I’m told that I’ve said a bad, inappropriate word.
So I don’t really expect to get help there. I go and I’m polite and listen to people’s stories but that’s as far as it goes. When you get there, every time you “sign in,” you have to say that the people that run the group are not responsible for what happens to you after you leave. So they are covering their hide in case you drop dead or commit suicide. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the quality of the leaders and their level of understanding of ED. That’s pretty cool. But I need real help and have yet to find it.
I went to see a new therapist Monday, or so I thought. It turned out to only be an intake appointment and I found out, when we were done, that a bunch of them would meet and then they’d decide if this is a “good match.” She didn’t tell me this until the end. I went to this place once before and don’t recall getting that line. So…my hopes are very slim for this one.
On a certain level, I like some things about myself. I am witty and smart and can get a good laugh out of people. I can write really fast sometimes and I often surprise myself because the quality of my writing surpasses my expectations. Now that I’m off meds, I speak really, really well. I’m going to be a great public speaker. I want to change lives. I want to speak the truth and hey, let’s quote a former resident of the White House and say
let’s snake them out…
meaning the people Bush was referring to as responsible for 9/11….
But no, I think the term “snake out” has a much better use. We need to snake out these perpetrators of mental health abuse once and for all. I think we need to expose the lies and coverup and denial and unexplained deaths.
Are we disposables?
Am I going to be shoved into some back ward and is society then going to wash its hands clean of me?
Oh no. You have not seen me shut up yet.