Panicked over walking to acupuncture tomorrow

I considered canceling the appointment because I don’t want to leave the house.  I have a half hour to decide.  It will be so hot that I won’t be able to wear my bulky vest to hide in.

My only feasible solution is to wear my thick bulky dress.  But I’ll have to change into pants when I get there cuz they put needles in my belly.

They are putting needles in my ears.  This is for appetite, to stop the bingeing.  I have this weird feeling that it isn’t going to help me.  Just a sneaky feeling.  What does bingeing have to do with appetite?  Then again, I don’t know much about Chinese medicine.

Damn, what I go through.

If you think it’s great that I’ve gained weight, then FUCK YOU.  This is living hell.  My life is getting to be more and more a nightmare.  I feel like I don’t even have support because no one understands.  People are running around telling me, “You ate!  How wonderful!  Rah rah!”  Well you don’t fucking get it.  I BINGE.  BINGEING IS NOT EATING. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I GO THROUGH.

This is why I did this massive overdose in 1984.  Because no one understood.  Yeah, I tried.  I cried out for help.  Again and again and no one took me seriously.  They even laughed.  Yeah, laughed in my face and told me to go home and that I was doing great, making good progress, just relax, he said, this bingeing is not such a big deal.

It’s fucking 2012 there is no excuse now.  Karen Carpenter died for us in 1983.  She is forever rising from the dead and crying out.  Listen to her if you won’t listen to me.

I put in a call to this DMH person a bit ago.  He’s off today and starts work tomorrow at noon according to his message.  I’m calling Dr. P right now.  I need help.

2 thoughts on “Panicked over walking to acupuncture tomorrow”

  1. Hi again, Julie.
    I continue to read your writings and I’d like to put my 2c in..(you get what you pay for, don’t forget). I hope I don’t get a “fuck you”, because I do not mean any disrespect what so ever. In interest of full disclosure, I am a nurse. Im not a mental health provider, not a practitioner, certainly not really knowledgeable on ED. I’ve actually learned quite a bit from you. I don’t blame you at all for trying to “divorce” the mental health system. I probably would have also, if I had to face what you do. I do think you’re labelled. Not labelled as ED necessarily, but as someone who doesn’t want help. As an attention seeker. I am sure has stood in the way of getting real help, much in the same way as someone seeking pain meds. I know you do want help. I can only imagine how much courage it took to call your former therapist…i bet you could imagine the eye-roll she gave. You are so logical, so smart ( unfortunately) and the “system” isn’t made for people like you. It’s good you are trying to be an activist, maybe you will be a catalyst for someone’s change.
    Maybe your help is from “everyday” people…a support group, if you will. Not out, but perhaps a web site, something you create for people to help each other. There are many like you. I have high anxiety from being around new people. Social anxiety, or whatever you want to call it. I avoid whenever possible. I hear some of the same things from you…the fear of judgement. ” will they like me”, “am I too ( insert) “, “they think (insert)”. Why, I could see myself being friends with you but never introducing myself because I’m not as smart and certainly you write better than I do.
    For today-deep breath. Eat. Don’t eat. Eating is always your focus, but does anyone else in the world care whether you take a bite or not? Puzzle, maybe. Do they care whether you are wearing a big or little coat? Whether you (insert)? Actually people only care if you get in their way, if you smell bad, walk too slow. Otherwise, not really. That’s what I try to tell myself..sometimes it works and sometimes not.
    I’ll be watching to see how you’re doing, and you’ve found a friend here. Good luck.

    1. Hi Mina,

      Hey, thanks.

      By the way, I get in people’s way and walk too slow all the time. It used to happen in Boston and I’d actually get pushed and yelled at. I guess it didn’t occur to them that I might have a disability. I don’t recall if this was all that much longer after I broke my leg or not. Most of the time, I’m just lost in thought. I bump into people all the time when I’m lost in thought and often don’t look where I’m going and don’t particularly care, either. It’s over and get over it. So I’m a weird lady. It takes a little while for people to realize that I’m talking to myself and no, no bluetooth, just bits of conversation to myself with a scowl on my face. There are no potential employers out there that I might run into or future husbands or wives or a handsome frog or the Dali Lama even. I don’t particularly want to be caught perusing the aisles at 2am, wide-eyed and hypnotized by colorful food containers, or dashing down the street stuffing cookies into my mouth two at once, looking wildly side to side, and only moving my mouth to chew when no cars are in sight.

      I do see the paranoia, but…can’t fix it. It’s like seeing that the ED doesn’t make sense, but still believing in it with all of my being.

      I’m going to sleep now for a while. Just wicked tired. My minister is going to call tonight, which is a very, very good thing.

      You take care of yourself, and thanks so very much for writing.

      Julie

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