This evening after acupuncture, just don't know what to say

It wasn’t like last week at all.  I never had the chance to write about last week’s acupuncture session and I’m sorry that I didn’t get to that.  It was awesome, but after a few days, the effect wore off, and I felt worse, and worse, and worse, and when I walked in today, I was upfront about how I felt.

I do apologize to readers at this point for not detailing about last week’s acupuncture.  I was truly elated over it.  They did explain to me that some people do get a profound effect from the first session.  I guess I was one of those people.  I went home and figured, mistakenly, that I’d stay that way, that this was permanent.  Apparently, this is the case for some people.

As it turned out, it was a good thing that I had this first acupuncture session when I did, because it enabled me to get my act together just in time and do the reading for the church talent show.  It’s weird now.  It feels like that will be the last time I show my face, my fat, ugly face, in public.  Ever.

I can run away from mental health treatment, thus avoiding ending up in the state hospital, but I can’t run away from my miserable daily life.  When I go to sleep at night, inevitably I wake up in the morning to face another day of drudgery.

As we speak, the Shopping Cart Lady is beginning her rounds.  Oh, joy.

At acupuncture, they had me sign a paper saying I would reschedule the appointment with Dr. P right away, and would show up at my next appointment, which is scheduled for next Thursday, the 12th.  Dr. P  is the 11th.  Between now and Wednesday, there are a few things on my calendar, the only important one being church on Sunday the 8th.  10:30.  I missed last Sunday, couldn’t get out of bed.

I have an awesome student acupuncturist.  I feel very comfortable with her.  When she put the needles in this time, I waited, and expected the same thing as last time, the sudden feeling like I was falling under anesthesia, yet I am awake, aware yet unaware.  This happened about 90 seconds after the needles were inserted, at my first session.  This time, nothing.  I didn’t feel my breathing slow or my pulse slow down.  My speech didn’t become slurred and I had no difficulty speaking.  I fell asleep but it was around the time I often fall asleep anyway.

I don’t know how long I was asleep.  Not long.  I awoke, moved my hands around, and knocked out a few of the needles, which was not the end of the world because we were near the end.  I sat in the waiting room afterward to reorient myself and wake up a bit.  I didn’t want to walk around outside in traffic wicked out of it, as I did last week.  Of course, last week I was on Cloud Nine and out of  it.  That’s a bit different than today.

It must have been five or ten minutes after I left the building that I realized that the treatment hadn’t had an effect on me.  I realized that I was walking down the street, dragging my feet as always, with my coat zipped up covering as much of my face as I could possibly get it to cover.  My self-esteem is at the low place it was when I walked in this morning.  I walked out of there wanting to die just as much as I did when I walked in there.  I feel worthless and hopeless.

I ended up at home somehow.  The urge to binge has not been removed from me as I had hoped.  The medication that is supposed to stop the bingeing quit working ages ago.  I might as well be dead.

Feedback and comments welcome!