Why do I take photos of myself? Is it really that weird?

I just went through my camera just now.  I’ve got about ten photos in there.  Some have been backed up on my computer, and maybe three of them are sitting in my camera on that little HD thingy not backed up.

Well, surprise surprise.  I knew about some of them.  But one of them I’d forgotten about.  I want to get a better look at it, so I’ll probably get it on screen tomorrow.  I’ll say what it’s of in a sec.

Remember those photos of the edema in my ankles?  Those are famous now, on the top of Google that I know of.  How do you like that?

The staff at the hospital were real hush-hush about edema.  Like real weird about it.  Huh?  I’m supposed to keep it secret that this shit happens to you if you freaking EAT?  Why not warn people that it can happen to you, and prepare them?  If I had been prepared, then maybe I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did, you twerps!

Well, when I mentioned, right in the hallway, just real casual-like, that my ankle edema was on the top of Google, wow was I censored pronto.

I was also not supposed to talk about anorexia being potentially fatal, and I was not supposed to talk about freaking statistics, like come out and say YOU CAN DIE OF THIS DISEASE.  When people talked about it, they skirted around words like “die” and “death.”  They said everything but those words.  It was quite noticeable.  You readers know how I am.  I just say stuff.  The staff were pissed at me…for being…yeah, direct, honest, and to the point.

Well, the heck with it.  I’m not there anymore and it’s over now.

I am going to spend the rest of my life (I don’t really care how long or short that may be) being direct, honest, and to the point.  I abhor censorship.

Now, back to these photos.  They are what they are.  They are records of history.  They are photos of me and they are my history and they are not photoshopped to cover anything or distort anything.  Most of them are of me standing in front of a mirror.  I am not naked and these are not intended to be that sort of photo.  They are a record of my weight.  I don’t have one at my very lowest weight but I do have one that looks like the lowest of the ones that are in the camera.

The heck with it.  Just read on and wait until I get to my point.

Okay, I’ll get to it.  I found a photo of myself after a binge.  I mean of my stomach.  And I just Googled for around looking for a photo like the one in my camera.  The first one I found, like I must have eaten ten times what this person ate cuz wow, my photo doesn’t quite look like that.  Then I found one of a guy.  This site had a virus in it, and my virus thingy apparently blocked the virus.  I Xed out real fast from that one.  So now I was about seven pages down.  He looked kinda pregnant.

This photo…says something.  It’s right there.  Right in my stomach.  Even sitting there in my camera, in the small square, you can see that the outer skin is stretched.  I don’t want to look at the photo right now, just don’t want to re-experience it yet another time.  This anorexic person and this massive stomach…now what the photo doesn’t say is that even after the photo was taken I lived with the stomach for another 24 hours or so.  It wasn’t like now you see it, now you don’t.

So I’m just thinking of having a page, just a historical record, maybe a link or something to a page that is password-protected or difficult to access, so people can Google, say, “Photo of…” and then only get a link.  They click on a link that will take them to the photos page and then put the password in.  Anyone can get to it, but if you Google me, you won’t see my “history” photos right away.

Why am I thinking this?  What is the point?

What have I been saying all along?  There is so little education out there.  I think I told you that a lot of people assumed that when I said “binge,” they thought I meant two peanut butter sandwiches or something like that.  I would tell them over and over, but they were dumb, and as I have been saying again and again, disrespectful and didn’t believe anything I said anyway.  When I said, “I look pregnant,” they thought my stomach was a little bit curvy.

Well, now I have proof it’s more than fucking curvy, you assholes.

To this day, I wonder if my former therapist, the one I just left, ever believed me. She claimed she did, but I wonder if she did.  She was always telling me I lied to her when in fact I hadn’t.  Then I’d lie, which I only did when I had to avoid getting sectioned, and she never noticed, or faked me out I guess…who knows.  I would say a good 99% of therapists I’ve had, as well as nurses and doctors that have treated me would be shocked to see the “pregnant” photo of me.

Trust me, I am sorely embarrassed by it.  This would be a huge risk for me, and I see it as something I am doing to help other who binge eat.  I feel that I am doing this to educate people who don’t know what binge eating is.  I feel that the world needs to know that binge eating is very serious, and the risks are much, much more than becoming overweight.

Go to the Walden Behavioral Care website and look up binge eating disorder.  All it talks about is that the risk is becoming overweight.  Well, bullshit.  Yes, you can become overweight but so can a lot of people who don’t binge eat.  People become overweight mostly from eating more than they need to given how much they “burn.” Binge eating is something else altogether.

There are a lot of risks of binge eating that Walden’s site doesn’t even mention.  Maybe the person who wrote that page wasn’t a binge eater, eh?  Well, heck, I know this stuff cuz I have 32 years of experience in the field.  First of all, suicide risk.  All sorts of gastrointenstinal stuff going out of whack, blood sugar stuff going out of whack, electrolytes, pancreas, probably ruptured anything such as colon or small intestine or stomach, screwed up intestines in any way imaginable,  probably various cancers, choking of course, food poisoning, biting one’s tongue, cheek, lips, or scraping one’s gums, and developing a serious infection from that, having a serious car accident from bingeing while driving, stealing food and getting caught for shoplifting, financial trouble from not having money after spending it all on binge food, social isolation, depression of course is a given….Need I go on?

So anyway, I need to go to bed.

Just my thoughts.

 

 

2 thoughts on “Why do I take photos of myself? Is it really that weird?”

  1. Can I post your submit to my wordpress blog? I’ll add a one way link to your forum. That’s one really great post.

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