I’ve just looked at my watch, and it appears that I’ve been out of the hospital a month now, as of tomorrow. Wow, I’ve had a lot of adventures, and I’ve done fairly well, I think. I made a bunch of decisions, one being to move away from the mental health system and find my own path. I think many people didn’t think I dared to do this, or thought I didn’t mean what I said, or maybe they thought I’d change my mind. Heck, I say one thing one day, another thing another day. Nope, I have not backed down on this one.
I wrote that bit earlier and then realized that I needed to get on with my day, shower and get Puzzle out, etc, and then get back to this after I’d fed her and taken care of necessities. A few things happened that distracted me. No, I didn’t say “delayed.” I used the word “distracted.” Neither is a crime, when you think about it.
People with ADHD, or ADD, about which I know very little, talk about distraction a lot. I don’t have ADHD or ADD. One of my blood relatives has been diagnosed with one of these (I haven’t a clue which one, and I don’t know the difference) by a professional, I assume a specialist. I do know that the “A” stands for “attention” and “D” stands for “deficit.”
Sometimes, I go off on a wild tangent in my writing, and then return to my subject matter. Sometimes I delete the off-topic paragraph; sometimes I don’t. There is nothing morally wrong with going wildly off-topic. I don’t see anything morally wrong with saying things in such a manner that no one can follow my train of thought. In fact, I see nothing immoral in speaking in a schizophrenic word salad. If you don’t know what a word salad is, google it, or look it up in the DSM-whatever. I’ll take mine with no salad dressing, please. I don’t want the calories. Better yet, a completely empty bowl. Silence is golden, as they say. Fifteen karat. You do hear about guys that swallow rings. Talk about increasing one’s self-worth.
While walking Puzzle, I realized that I cannot stay with my present primary care physician. I cannot walk into her examining room and immediately be handed a johnny, and once I am changed, be ushered to the Throne. Yes, you know what the Throne is. No, Dr. K, I am not merely “x weight,” and this all-holy number should not be your number one concern. I am here for help with my body itself, not the number that represents weight of my body. I am Julie Greene, human being, in case you didn’t know. What about my kidneys? What about all the other organs? This is what is going on in my body. Why am I now telling you these things that happen in my body, and you don’t even believe half of what I say? I suspect my kidneys are working at half-mast, and my digestive tract isn’t digesting very much anymore. You can choose to listen to what I experience with my body, or you can lecture me about the Throne number, threaten me just like my T did, and tell me to come back next week weighing x, and threaten that if I don’t weigh x, you will section me.
Of course, Dr. K (addressing her now), you are, or were, shall I say, in cahoots with my T regarding the state hospital. My T stated this, in fact. I’m guessing you were all in favor of getting me hooked up with DMH, which would make it oh so handy to drag me, kicking and screaming, out of my home and into some “group home” out in the middle of nowhere, stuck living with a bunch of chronic mental patients who are just out of the state hospital and stuck in the system. And now I would be stuck as well, buried and digging myself out. Would I even have control of my own finances? Would I have Internet access? Would I have access to public transportation, and ability to get to church? And yes, you were all in favor of committing me to the state hospital as well, and being in the DMH system would not only send this commitment via Overnight Express Mail, but would put a seal on the envelope as well. Nice and handy. Nope. She’s gotta go.
Lots of other things floating around in this head of mine. I get so many ideas. Some people say they can type as fast as they can think. Really? Either they are slow thinkers or very fast at typing.
Then again, I don’t remember what time it was today that my mind ceased to work properly. This happened yesterday as well, but it didn’t last for long. Maybe fifteen minutes and then I came back. Today, I don’t know…it has been worse and I can’t do things properly. I got into it a little while ago, not sure when, and then never came back, or shall I say not yet.
Something is going on also with eating, drinking, and output (peeing and pooping) that isn’t right, that and energy and metabolism and how I feel physically in general. I mean this completely aside from how I feel mentally about ingestion of food and drink. My body is just screwed up. My brain is part of my body, too. I don’t think my body is sending the nourishment I consume to my brain. It’s just like January. Stuff shutting down.
Earlier, I tried to pack my things, maybe make an attempt to leave and go out for a while, but it was taking so long. I kept on mixing up what I was doing, so I decided to take a break, wait till later, and then try again. So I’ll do this now. Wish me luck.